A New Life
by the angel interceptor
Summary: Hawkeye tries to rebuild his life after the war... (HM) Story is now finished
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: Sadly I do not own anything relating to MASH  
  
OK folks this is my very first fanfic. I hope you all enjoy it. It will  
eventually be a h/m!  
  
A New Life  
by the angelInterceptor  
  
Chapter 1 Homecoming  
  
Hawkeye relaxed into the backseat of the cab. The journey home from Korea had been long and uncomfortable and he was worn out. Not only had he to endure the long flight to San Francisco, he then had to make the cross country trek to his final destination, Crabapple Cove, Maine. The very thought brought a smile to his face, "I'm going home!" he sighed!  
  
"So you're a soldier huh?" the cab driver said, finally breaking the silence, "Kill many gooks over there?"  
  
Hawkeye was still wearing his Class A's. God he couldn't wait to take them off for the last time. The cab driver's words turned his stomach. These people, these civilians, he thought to himself, they really have no idea do they? "I'm a surgeon", he said. Normally he would have attacked someone for using such 'colourful' language but he was too tired right now. After nearly three long years in Korea, all the fight had gone out of him. He just wanted to sleep and for the first time in his life decided not to get into politics with this man.  
  
"Oh, well anyway we all sure do appreciate what you guys did out there for us. I mean fighting back the pink stain, keeping the world free for democracy and all!" "The pink stain", Hawkeye repeated in his mind. He couldn't help but smile at this.  
  
"Something funny?" the driver said. "Oh no, just something you said, it reminded me of someone I used to know".  
  
Frank Burns, Frank Marion Burns. That was one of his sayings! That fink, he was home well over a year now.  
  
"Y'know, I didn't even think they had doctors in the army?" "Well what the army doesn't have it drafts!" Hawkeye answered. Idiot, he thought as he shut his eyes, why am I even making conversation with this dunce!  
  
Hawkeye had spent the last week and a half travelling. Once he reached San Francisco he had to catch a flight to the other side of the country. Boston was the nearest he could get so he spent the night in San Francisco in order to regain some much needed energy. Ah San Francisco! The feeling of finally being back on American soil was indescribable! He was beginning to think he would never see home again and had to stop himself from kissing the ground. The Airport was thronging with people. Wives, sweethearts, mothers, fathers, all were there to welcome their loved ones home. He couldn't help but feel a pang of loneliness in his chest. All the love around him reminded him of the fact that there was no-one waiting to cover him in kisses, to drag him straight into the bedroom when he got home. He wondered if B.J. was there somewhere amongst the crowd, being smothered with kisses from Peg and hopefully being called daddy for the first time in his life! Hawkeye really hoped everything would work out for Beeg. That he could go straight back to playing happy families with Peg and Erin. B.J. was such a good person, he deserved to be happy.  
  
His devotion to his family at first bemused Hawkeye. He had never seen someone so in love, except maybe his father, but that was a long time ago now. It really made Hawkeye think hard about his own life. Sure his womanising days had been fun, but where had it got him? He was pushing on thirty and was feeling more alone than ever! B.J. had shown him the beauty of marriage and family life. He proved that settling down didn't mean you automatically turned into a slipper-wearing, pipe-smoking old bore. Now Hawkeye wanted that life, he wanted to be loved and to love. He longed to devote himself to some worthy woman. The trouble now of course was finding a woman worthy of him! But what hope had he now? He was more screwed up than ever before. How could he inflict himself on any poor woman? He carried way too much baggage!  
  
Margaret Houlihan! Soft long hair, red lips and those misty blue eyes. I would have married her, he thought sadly, if only she hadn't married the army first. And you know what they say, three's a crowd!  
  
Yes, over time that hot tempered, hot lipped major had stolen his heart. Her strength, her resilience, her power, it just amazed him. There was no one else like her in the world, of that he was sure. In his gut he thought she had feelings for him too, at least he always hoped. And if he hadn't flipped out in the end, he would have probably told her, but it was all academic now. He had kissed her goodbye and that was that. He couldn't have told her. No woman would want to take up with a crazy man. Her final words were 'see ya!' and she was gone, gone but far from forgotten.  
  
He had managed to get a bus from Boston to Portland, Maine, but had to take a taxi the rest of the way. He was nearly home and was now growing increasingly nervous. Seeing everyone again, it was going to be so hard. He knew he was different now, he wasn't the light-hearted, carefree Hawkeye they all knew. He had seen too much, felt so much badness inside. It was going to be difficult facing everyone again. In Crabapple Cove nothing ever changes, not the town and not the people. But he had changed. There was no denying that. The war had left a permanent mark on him. It had scarred his mind and broke his will. They would notice the change straight away and they would treat him differently as a result. No, nobody liked change in the Cove!  
  
Hawkeye thought back on his first few months in Korea. They were crazy times. When he wasn't operating, he was drinking. He and Trapper made quite a pair! At the height of his notoriety, Hawkeye was notching up three dates with three different women in one day! He was arrogant and self-centred. He didn't think he would be there that long, if the army didn't throw him out then he would be rotated home in at least a year. So he did his job, played around and had little regard for his camp mates.  
  
But six months gradually grew into a year and a year into years until time became irrelevant to him. Those camp mates turned out to be the biggest family he ever had. He loved them, and as the war began to ware him down, he needed them. He always thought he would go home and pick up his life just by 'picking up his datebook' as B.J once put it. But now that the day was finally here, he longed for the security and love of those kaki church mice! That's why he didn't tell his father when he would be home. Instead he decided to surprise him. Hawkeye knew full well that if his father had known he was coming, the whole town would be out in his honour to welcome him home. That was the last thing he wanted right now. He just wanted to see his dad. He would meet and greet everyone else in his own time.  
  
"Hey, hey soldier boy, we're here!"  
  
"Huh, what?" Hawkeye had drifted off to sleep in the back of the cab. The driver's voice quickly shook him back into life. The words 'we're here' exploded in his head. Oh God I'm home!  
  
"I said we're here, we're in Crabapple Cove! Where would you like me to drop you?"  
  
Hawkeye could feel his chest tighten! "Am, here will do just fine. I'll walk the rest of the way, thank you!"  
  
"Suit yourself!"  
  
The taxi pulled away and Hawkeye suddenly found himself standing in the middle of Main St. Crabapple Cove. He paused a moment to take it all in. It was just as beautiful as he had remembered. Looking around him he could see that Sullivan had put an extension on to the side of his grocery store, and the Sea View Inn had a new coat of paint. Apart from that, nothing had changed. Standing there in his uniform, suitcase in hand, a thought suddenly hit Hawkeye! I'm going to stick out like a sore thumb! Making it home unnoticed was going to be impossible. Nothing got passed these people he would be recognised in an instant!  
  
Well I can't just stand here all day, he thought as he finally moved from the road and casually strolled down the sidewalk. It was approaching ten- thirty in the morning. The sky was overcast and a slight breeze blew in from the ocean but it was not cold. There would be no point in going home now his father would already be at work. Hawkeye decided to call into his father's office instead and surprise him. Besides he was bound to be spotted anytime now and word would spread around town like wildfire. He would hate for his father to hear from someone else that his only son was back from the war.  
  
As these thoughts ran through his mind, Hawkeye saw a shadow move out of the corner of his eye. Someone had walked out of the grocery store across the road and paused. He could feel their eyes on him. He walked calmly on pretending not to notice when a voice broke through the sound of the gulls down at the pier.  
  
"Well I'll be... Hawkeye Pierce! Is that you?"  
  
At this, Hawkeye turned to see the face of Jack Sullivan beaming at him. "Mr. Sullivan!" he shouted back across the road, a smile now stretched across his face.  
  
"You old son of a gun! When did you get back? Wow, look at you all dressed up!"  
  
Hawkeye had now crossed over and was standing in front of the elder man. "I just got back this very minute, I was on my way to see my father"  
  
"Dan never said you were coming home!"  
  
"Oh, well he didn't know, doesn't know actually, I was going to surprise him!"  
  
"Boy is he going to be surprised all right! Listen before you go, come in to the shop first would ya?"  
  
"Well" Hawkeye hesitated, "I really just wanna get over and see my dad. It's been a long time you know?"  
  
"I know, but come on please? I'll only keep you a minute I promise. There're some people I want you to meet." Jack saw the hesitation in Hawkeye's eyes. "Come on just one minute, please?"  
  
"Alright, alright, one minute!" Hawkeye gave in. The man practically had him shoved in the door anyway and standing there arguing would just waste more time.  
  
"Hey everyone, look who I found out on the street!" Jack declared.  
  
Hawkeye cringed as he heard the tirade of screams coming from the people there. They were on top of him so fast he hadn't the chance to identify who they were!  
  
"Oh my God, Hawkeye Pierce!" one screamed as she placed a kiss right on his lips. That was Mrs. Sullivan he was able to determine. That woman had been kissing him on the lips since he was six years old. And the older he got the more embarrassing it became. After he had the stuffing squeezed out of him and managed to greet everyone he noticed one person he didn't recognise.  
  
"Hello" she said! "Hi" he replied.  
  
"Oh that's right, you two have never met" Mr. Sullivan said. "Rose, may I present Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, son of Dr. Dan and fresh out of Korea! Hawkeye this is Mrs. Rose Taylor!"  
  
Ah mrs. Hawkeye was a little disappointed. "Well I don't know about being fresh, I have been travelling for the last week." Everyone gave a little laugh at this.  
  
"Rose has moved into Parks old place. She's been there now what, a year is it?"  
  
"About that!" Rose replied.  
  
Hawkeye was a bit surprised at that. "Oh" he said, "Well where did Mr. Parks go?" That old man wouldn't move for the world.  
  
Everyone slowly looked at each other. "Well Hawkeye" Mr. Sullivan said, "Old Parky passed away...ah...about two years ago now". Mr. Sullivan had a hint of surprise in his voice. "I thought your father would have told you!"  
  
Hawkeye was shocked. Have I been gone that long? The first signs that he had become an outsider were beginning to show. "Well, maybe he did, I just forgot, I dunno!" Everyone had fallen silent and Hawkeye took the opportunity to make his exit. "Well it's great seeing you all again. Rose it was lovely to meet you. I wish I could stay but I really should go see my father. I'll see you all again soon I'm sure."  
  
"OK son, you get going. Hey, it's good to have you home!"  
  
"Thanks Mr. Sullivan, it's good to be home! Hey do me a favour, keep quiet about my being back will you? At least until I see my father!"  
  
"Sure thing Hawk. Now you get goin!" Mr. Sullivan walked Hawkeye to the door amid shouts of 'Goodbye' and 'See you later' from the gang. "See you Hawk!"  
  
"Goodbye" Hawkeye smiled as he continued down the street. Next stop would be his father's practice, he hoped!  
  
*****************************************************  
  
Hawkeye inhaled the fresh sea air as he strolled down Main St. Somehow the air in Korea always seemed stale. No matter where you went the stench of death hung over your head. Of course he got used to it, just like he got used to the sight of the endless stream of broken bodies. But that didn't make it any more comfortable for him, it just meant he didn't throw up all the time. God the air tastes so good here! he thought, taking in a deep breath. Hawkeye's eyes were now fixed on the door to his father's practice. 'Dr. D. Pierce, M.D.' was carved into the wooden sign that hung outside. "This is it!" Hawkeye said as he composed himself. Taking another deep breath, he opened the door and walked in. There were butterflies creating havoc in his stomach and he was shaking all over. He had been waiting for this moment for so long, for too long.  
  
There were only a handful of patients in the waiting area, all with their heads in a magazine. He was surprised but relieved that no one took any notice of him as he entered. He walked over to the reception where he could see Nina was busy picking up a load of files that must have fallen on the floor. Nina was Daniel's assistant. She had worked with him ever since she arrived in town, about fifteen years ago now. Hawkeye had become friends with her son through school and when he heard that she was a registered nurse had told his father who hired her on the spot. For Nina, it was perfect timing. Daniel's last assistant had left to concentrate more on her family life. Nina was a widow with two children and no job. She came to the Cove to get away from the hectic city life and was delighted with the opportunity to be able to work as a nurse again.  
  
Hawkeye tapped the bell on the desk, he knew this would annoy her.  
  
"Just one minute and I'll be with you" she cried as patiently as she could. She was an excellent nurse and wonderful person, just a little bit impatient at times! He tapped the bell again.  
  
"Oh alright, you better be dyin' or somethin' cause I swear I'm gonna..." Nina paused as she finally set eyes on her aggravator. "Hawkeye?"  
  
"Ssh" Hawkeye put his finger to his lips, he didn't want to attract the attention of his father just yet.  
  
Nina ran out from behind the desk and wrapped her arms around him. "Oh my goodness it's so good to see you" she cried. Hawkeye had a huge grin plastered across his face. It really was good to be home.  
  
"Look at you all dressed up in your soldier suit. I remember the trouble it took just to get you to put on a tie" They hugged again. Nina started prodding him in the stomach, "Didn't they feed you over there? You've gotten so thin!"  
  
"Ah, well the less said about the food over there the better I think" Hawkeye said, still grinning. "I hope you've been looking after the old man?"  
  
"Speaking of which, he's with a patient right now, should be finished any minute"  
  
"Don't disturb him!" Hawkeye thought for a moment, "Actually, how would you like to be co-conspirator on playing a little trick on him?"  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye was sitting on one of the chairs in the waiting area reading a paper. All of a sudden his heart gave a jump. Down the hall he could hear the familiar voice of his father. He was coming! Nina jumped back behind the desk in preparation as Hawkeye drew the paper up close so it covered his face.  
  
"Now Mr. Cooper, you make sure you take one of these everyday before you eat and come back and see me in two weeks ok?"  
  
"Thanks Dan, I'll see meself out!"  
  
Daniel waved Mr. Cooper off and turned swiftly to Nina. Clapping his hands together he said enthusiastically, "Alright Nina, who's up next?"  
  
"My, aren't we just bursting with energy today" she replied in her sarcastic tone.  
  
"Well I ate all my porridge this morning. Plus I've already had about five cups of coffee!"  
  
Nina gave a small laugh, "OK super doc, we got a gentleman over there complaining of digestive problems. It seems he hasn't had a decent meal for years and as a result has lost his sense of taste" Nina said raising one eyebrow.  
  
Daniel looked a little confused. "Are you sure this guy shouldn't be seeing a shrink or something?" he said under his breath.  
  
"Just take a look at him" Nina snapped.  
  
"OK bossy boots!"  
  
Nina threw her eyes up to Heaven but inside she was bursting with excitement. The other patients in the waiting room were still totally oblivious to what was going on around them. They could really use a cup of coffee! Hawkeye thought as he waited in silence for his father to approach. Nina was magnificent. A performance worthy of an Oscar! Hawkeye's heart started beating louder as he realised his father was coming towards him. He was still holding the newspaper so Daniel couldn't see him.  
  
"Ah sir! Would you like to come back to the exam room so I can take a look at you?" Hawkeye didn't make a move. Daniel shot Nina a confused look. She just shrugged her shoulders.  
  
"Hey!" he said as he shook the man's knee. With that, Hawkeye slowly lowered the paper, finally revealing himself.  
  
"I said..." Daniel began and then stopped as he suddenly realised who this mystery patient was. "My boy" he whispered in disbelief. "It's... it's my boy, hey everyone" he began to shout now, "Look it's my boy! He's come home!"  
  
Hawkeye was standing now, tears welling up in his eyes. "Hello Dad!" he said quietly. "Oh my" was all Daniel could say as he grabbed hold of his beloved son and hugged him tightly. Hawkeye wrapped his arms around the smaller man. Both were crying now and neither one wanted to let go.  
  
"Look at you!" Daniel finally managed to say. They had pulled apart slightly but were still holding on to one another. "Why didn't you call me, I could have picked you up?"  
  
"I wanted to surprise you Dad!"  
  
"Well you sure succeeded in doing that. Almost gave me a heart attack!"  
  
"I've missed you so much!" Hawkeye exclaimed.  
  
"Me too!"  
  
"Welcome home Hawkeye" Nina said as she joined in a group hug with the two men. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 To Absent Friends!  
  
Daniel had wanted to close up shop and take the rest of the day off until Nina reminded him he had a roomful of patients to see yet. "It's Ok Dad" Hawkeye assured him, "I'm exhausted anyway, I just want to go home and take a nap, and get out of these clothes"  
  
"Well it's nearly lunchtime anyway, why don't I drive you home and fix you something to eat?"  
  
"Sounds good!" Hawkeye replied.  
  
"Great, Nina I'll be back in an hour!" Daniel said pushing Hawkeye out the door before she had time to argue. "You just better be!" she yelled after him.  
  
Hawkeye was quiet all throughout the short journey home. The past weeks travelling had really taken its toll on him. Daniel could sense his reluctance to talk right now and didn't push him. He knew his son only too well. If Hawkeye wanted to talk, he'd talk. Hawkeye could feel that his father was excited. He kept looking over and flashing him smiles. Eventually Hawkeye smiled back. "Hey dad!" he said breaking his silence. Daniel looked over expectantly.  
  
"I love you!"  
  
Daniel left out a loving laugh and clasping his son's knee said "I love you too son".  
  
Hawkeye sat up straight all of a sudden, he had caught a glimpse of the family home as Daniel rounded the corner. "Well there she is!" Daniel exclaimed. "I'm home" Hawkeye almost whispered. "You sure are!" Daniel smiled.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Well come on then!" Daniel said, knocking Hawkeye out of a daydream. He was standing in the drive just taking it all in. The smell of the flowers, the wind blowing through the trees, and the sea! Oh how he missed the sea! He could hear the sound of it coming from behind the house. He made his way up the drive and into the house taking every little thing in and savouring every minute of it. As he reached the front door, he could hear something barking inside. It was getting louder. Hawkeye jumped. There was a ball of brown and white fluff standing no more than a foot from the ground at his feet barking hysterically. "What is that?" Hawkeye asked.  
  
"Oh I see you've met Harry. He's a Jack Russell terrier."  
  
Hawkeye just stared at him blankly. "Well I had to replace you with something!" Daniel said defensively.  
  
"You replaced me with a dog!" Hawkeye said stepping over it as he walked in. "Couldn't you at least have gotten a real dog like a golden retriever or something? This thing could be mistaken for a gerbil!"  
  
"Don't knock him! He happens to be a very loyal companion. Not to mention a great guard dog!"  
  
"What do you need a guard dog for in Crabapple Cove? The biggest crime ever committed here was when ten year old Toby Ryan stole a three cent candy bar from Sullivan's shop!"  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
After his father had gone back to work Hawkeye decided to run himself a bath. Neither had said much during lunch but in a relationship this close sometimes you didn't need words. Daniel was just so happy that Hawkeye was home for now. He could wait to get more out of him later.  
  
Hawkeye stood before the mirror. He looked long and hard at himself. His eyes moved from his Class A uniform, up to his unshaven jaw until they finally rested, and he found himself looking eye to eye with his reflection. What have I become? he thought sadly. His face was pale but still held its youth. Flecks of grey ran through his otherwise black hair. The inevitable effects of time! It was his eyes that really gave him away. They had aged before their time. He could see that they had lost their sparkle, that little mischievous gleam that always made people wonder what he was up to. Instead they looked tired, like those of a man who hadn't slept in three years! he thought to himself. He finally broke away from the mirror and wondered if they would ever sleep again.  
  
He moved over to the bed and slowly removed his uniform for the last time. He barely even noticed what he was doing, he was too lost in thought. Finally, he relaxed into the tub. It had been a long journey home, a three year journey. Letting out a long sigh he sunk down into the bath, leaving his feet sticking over the edge. "Welcome home Hawk!" he said.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye stayed in the bath until the water got cold and his skin wrinkled up like a prune. Boy I really have got thin! he thought as he passed the mirror. He went through his wardrobe but nothing really fitted. He eventually decided on a pair of old jeans and a grey t-shirt. It felt good to wear 'people clothes' again. He lay down on his bed and despite his fears of never sleeping again fell soundly asleep.  
  
It was five o clock when Hawkeye woke. Harry was out in the garden barking at something. "Damn dog!" he muttered. He had been asleep for about three and a half hours which really wasn't long enough. Hawkeye walked down stairs, stretching his arms as he did and went out onto the back porch. Harry was chasing a bird and was barking in frustration as time and time again he failed to catch it. "Stop that Harry" Hawkeye shouted at him. He sat down on the step of the back porch and stared out across the sea. "Wow" he had forgotten just what an affect that sight had on him. Whenever he couldn't sleep at night or he had something on his mind, he would always sit here and stare into the tide. The sea always had a calming effect on him. He had a feeling he would be doing a lot of this from now on.  
  
"So the rumours are true?" A familiar voice suddenly came from behind him. "You really are back!"  
  
Hawkeye turned and stood up. He left out a smile and opened his arms to welcome his visitor. "Karen" he cried. "It's good to see you!" he said standing up to envelop her in a hug.  
  
Karen Thompson and Hawkeye had been friends since high school. He had had a crush on her but she was madly in love with her boyfriend at the time. So instead they became friends and had been close ever since.  
  
"You look good" she smiled. "Lost a bit of weight but we can fix that!"  
  
"If one more person says something about my weight..."  
  
"Sorry" she said. "So tell me how have you been? You haven't written me in months you fink! You better have a good reason!"  
  
"Oh I know I'm sorry. Things just got pretty crazy out there towards the end. We had round the clock wounded and any free time we got was for sleeping"  
  
Of course Hawkeye couldn't tell her the real reason was that he had gone nuts and had spent the last month in the Tokyo giggling academy.  
  
"I understand" she said but all Hawkeye could think was no you don't. How could you?  
  
"At least it's all over now, you're home and that's what counts!" she said trying to be positive. She could see that he was bothered but didn't want to push him right now. Push Hawkeye when he's not ready and he just ends up farther away.  
  
"Yeah" he said somewhat sadly. "But look at the price we paid. Over a million people dead, as many more homeless and orphaned. We tore that country apart and I'll never now what for"  
  
"Someone had to help them Hawkeye. You couldn't just leave the North step all over them like that. They had to be stopped"  
  
A typical civilian view Hawkeye thought. "You'd have to have been there to understand. The Korean people's lives aren't any better for us having been there. They're as poor as ever only now the land is also useless to them 'cause it's filled with mines and huge bomb craters!"  
  
"I guess anyway you look at it it's a lose-lose situation eh? How about we go for a walk?" Karen was desperate to change the subject and Hawkeye picked up on this immediately. He knew this would happen. Even his closest friends wouldn't be able to talk to him about the war, because the cold hard facts of war made them uncomfortable. "Sure" he said.  
  
They walked with arms around each other along the sandy shore. "So tell me" Hawkeye said, "What's new with you?"  
  
"Well" Karen began. "You know that teacher I wrote to you about that I was seeing?" Hawkeye nodded. "He's asked me to marry him!" Hawkeye stopped and looked at her in complete surprise.  
  
"What?" he almost shouted, "And when were you going to share this little gem of information with me?"  
  
"Just did didn't I?"  
  
"I assume you said yes?"  
  
"What do you think!"  
  
"That's great Karen. I'm really happy for you. Really! I mean it's about time you settled down anyway. You are after all pushing on a bit....oow" Hawkeye was nursing his arm after receiving a blow from Karen.  
  
"You rat, you're just jealous!" she said jokingly.  
  
"What?" Hawkeye cried.  
  
"Well you were the one who wanted to marry me when we were fifteen or have you forgotten?"  
  
"Ah yes, but with hindsight now I'm...oow!" This remark invited another blow to the arm from Karen. "Don't you dare finish that sentence buster" she warned. "So how about you, anyone special in your life?"  
  
"I spent the last three years sharing a small tent with two other guys. I think any relationship formed there would have required a serious change in lifestyle. I've forgotten what the word privacy even means!"  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Both continued to talk and laugh as they walked along the strand. For Hawkeye it felt good to laugh again with an old friend. He was beginning to think maybe he could do it after all. Maybe he could fake being the old Hawkeye they all loved. Maybe a little bit of Hawkeye was still alive inside and with some encouragement he could entice him back out.  
  
The sun had almost dropped behind the horizon when Hawkeye thought of the time. "It's twenty to six" Karen replied.  
  
"I should be getting back, my dad'll be home soon and he's expecting me to be there."  
  
"Ok then. Listen Hawk, its great seeing you again. We'll have to go out some night, all the old gang, have a laugh like we used to. How 'bout it? Maybe next weekend?"  
  
"Ah, yeah, sure, maybe" Hawkeye answered hesitantly.  
  
"Right, well I'll see ya! And hey, I'm glad you're home!"  
  
"Thanks, bye Karen" Hawkeye gave her a peck on the cheek before both parted company.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
"I'm home! Ben, you here" Daniel cried from the front door.  
  
"In the kitchen dad" came his reply.  
  
"Hey, how was your afternoon?" the elder man inquired.  
  
"I had a long soak in the tub. Went for a nap. Met up with Karen Thompson!"  
  
"Ah Karen yes, nice girl! She was always inquiring about you while you were away."  
  
"Did you know she's engaged to be married?"  
  
"Course I did, you know you can't keep secrets in this town!"  
  
"Well it would have been nice if you'd told me!"  
  
"Gee sorry son. I was sure she would have written and told you herself. I mean you two were always pretty close, I just figured it was her place to tell you!" Daniel was a bit taken aback by Hawkeye's sharpness.  
  
"I'm sorry dad. It just took me by surprise. It's just hard you know. All these people's lives have been going on for the past three years and I just feel... well I guess I feel like I'm somewhat out of the loop. I didn't even know old man Parks had passed away and that was over two years ago!"  
  
"Well I know I told you about Ab Parks passing away"  
  
"Yeah you did I'm sure. It's just out in Korea, things kinda get lost in time, including memories. You're so stuck in the present there. It's like there's no past or future. It's all one continuous day. I guess I just forgot about Mr. Parks."  
  
"Its ok son, it'll take a bit of time but you'll settle down again. Don't worry, you'll see. It'll be as if you were never gone!" Daniel tried to console his son but he could see that Hawkeye's problems ran at a far deeper level. He knew his son had spent some time in a psychiatric hospital recently. He wasn't sure whether to bring it up or not. It was always hard to tell with Hawkeye. He tended to avoid talking about his problems, preferring to ignore them instead. Either way Daniel knew that now definitely wasn't the right time. Hawkeye had just come home, he needed time to settle in.  
  
"You're right dad" Hawkeye said breaking Daniel's thoughts. "All I need is some time"  
  
Hawkeye didn't believe that for a second but he didn't want to be worrying his father. He would sort through his own problems in his own way. Daniel had enough to be worried about what with being the sole doctor of the town and all.  
  
"Oh by the way", Daniel said "We don't have to worry about cooking tonight!"  
  
"Why?" Hawkeye said slowly.  
  
"Well" Daniel was hesitant, "Now you're probably not going to like this but..."  
  
"Don't say it!" Hawkeye cut in.  
  
"The Saunders' are throwing a bar-b-que in your honour tonight!" Daniel prepared himself for the verbal onslaught that would follow. Hawkeye hated going to neighbourhood cook-outs, especially the kind held in his honour.  
  
"Ahh Dad, I'm tired and I just want a quiet night in! I don't want to meet and greet the whole town in one night!"  
  
"I know son"  
  
"And clothes, what about clothes? Nothing in my wardrobe fits me!"  
  
"Look I know this is the last thing you want right now but they're doing this out of the goodness of their hearts. I couldn't very well turn them down. And as for clothes, well you're fine as you are, this is Crabapple Cove not the Plaza!"  
  
Hawkeye looked at him pleadingly.  
  
"It'll only be for a few hours? You just have to show up, be polite to everyone. In two, three hours max everyone will be drunk and we can slip away, ok?"  
  
"Ok" Hawkeye replied in defeat.  
  
"Hey you never know, it might even rain!"  
  
Hawkeye smirked, "I don't have that kinda luck!"  
  
Both smiled before Daniel announced that he was going upstairs to change. Hawkeye was alone in the kitchen. He stared out the window across the sea. What am I going to do now! This was just what he was trying to avoid. Having people pat him on the back all night, cracking inappropriate jokes about gooks and commies. Expecting him to laugh at everything they said. Expecting him to be happy! This was going to be a nightmare.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye was still standing by the window when Daniel came back downstairs. "Are you ready?"  
  
"What?" Hawkeye said, he had been daydreaming again.  
  
"I said are you ready to go?"  
  
"Oh, no, I'm going to put on something a bit more respectable. What time do we have to be there?"  
  
"Umm" Daniel said peering at his watch, "Five minutes ago, but don't worry. It's ok for the guest of honour to be fashionably late!"  
  
"I won't take long"  
  
Hawkeye rushed up stairs and quickly picked out a more respectable pair of pants and a shirt to wear. Better take a sweater too, it's a bit cold out!  
  
Daniel was sitting patiently in the kitchen when Hawkeye came back down. "OK I'm ready, let's go!"  
  
"Hey, now you see, I told you you'd find something to wear!"  
  
"Right" was all Hawkeye could say.  
  
"Hey come on, try to cheer up, this is a party we're going to!"  
  
"I will, I promise. It will be all smiles at the party. I'm just a bit nervous."  
  
Daniel could sense this was going to be hard for Hawkeye. He looked as though he wanted to cry. "Look at it this way; you knew you'd have to do this sooner or later. By tonight it will all be over with and you can relax!" He tried to sound reassuring.  
  
"You're right Dad, it's better to get it out of the way!"  
  
"That-a-boy! Now come on, I think we're stretching the whole fashionably late thing a bit."  
  
"Hey dad!" Hawkeye said, "Do you think the Gillis' will be there?"  
  
"What Tommy's folks?"  
  
"Yeah" Hawkeye nodded.  
  
"Of course, why wouldn't they. You and Tommy were best friends. They're always asking for you!"  
  
"Oh" Hawkeye looked down at the floor. Of all the people he was dreading seeing them the most.  
  
"Hawk?" Daniel said, "What is it?"  
  
"It's just with everything that happened and all, with Tommy I mean"  
  
"Ben, that was over two years ago now. They're ok. You know they don't blame you or anything right? They know you did what you could!"  
  
"Right" Hawkeye said. He was desperately trying to hold back the tears that gathered in his eyes.  
  
"You don't blame yourself do you?" Daniel asked. He was now very concerned. Hawkeye and Tommy had been very close friends but Hawkeye had seemed to cope well with his death. At least that's what Daniel had gathered from his letters.  
  
"No, no. I knew he was gone before he even hit the table. I knew I couldn't save him. It's just..."  
  
"What?" Daniel pushed for an answer.  
  
"What do you say to these people?  
  
"I think you know as well as I do that there's no answer to that question. At least no correct answer! Just play it by ear. You'll do fine! Come on lets go!"  
  
"Right, let's do this!" Hawkeye said managing to bring a smile to his face for his father's sake.  
  
"That's the spirit. Come on Harry!" he shouted.  
  
"You're not taking that dog are you? And I use the word 'dog' lightly!"  
  
"Course I am. Harry comes everywhere."  
  
"I still say you should have gotten a real dog. You know I caught him chasing birds in the backyard today?"  
  
"Ah Harry, what have I told you about doing that!" Harry left out a slight whimper as if to say sorry.  
  
"I don't want any of your excuses now!"  
  
Hawkeye watched the two walk out the door before him. "My God they even talk to each other!" he said, shutting the door behind him.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
"Hey here he is at last, the man of the moment!" Jeff Saunders shouted as he saw the Pierces coming around the side of the house. Hawkeye stopped at the corner to see a yard full of people staring back at him.  
  
"Hey everybody" he said shyly. "Sorry I'm late!" Everyone left out a shout of joy and started clapping at the sight of the Pierces.  
  
"That's ok, we were beginning to think you'd been drafted again ha, ha, ha!"  
  
"Ha, ha yes, that was a good one" Hawkeye said sarcastically under his breath. That invited a dig in the ribs from Daniel. "Be good!" he warned.  
  
Jeff Saunders was one of those guys who thought everything he said was funny. Hawkeye highly disagreed. "I can't help it if I'm a fan of comedy!" he whispered back to his father.  
  
"Well come on in, grab a plate and help yourselves to the food"  
  
This made Hawkeye feel bad. As annoying as the guy was he was incredibly generous and would do anything for his neighbours. He could see he had gone to a lot of trouble. "Thanks for this Jeff. Everything looks great" he said sincerely. "It's my pleasure Hawk. We couldn't let the town's long lost son return without a proper welcome home party. Come on get some food in ya. Once these people start talking to you tonight you won't get the chance to eat another bite."  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
It had started already. People were slapping him on the back, shaking his hand, telling him he did a great job. The women were kissing him and hugging him, saying how proud they were of him. Jeff was right, he hardly got to touch his food.  
  
Finally things began to settle down and he could make his way freely through the crowd. He noticed a group of his old buddies standing around together. Karen was there and so was her brother Brian, and Toby and Dexter and ...and Tommy! He could almost see him standing there. After all that's where he belonged, standing next to his friends, laughing, enjoying life. Tommy loved life. They had all been best friends since Grammar school. Thick as thieves they were! Toby and Dexter were a year ahead. But Tommy, Brian and Hawkeye had gone to school together. Karen was a year below them. Tommy was the boyfriend that Karen was madly in love with at the time Hawkeye fancied her. So of course he never could make a move on her, not even when they had broken up. Ex-girlfriends were untouchable; it was an unwritten rule between best friends. Of course in a town this size, that presented its own difficulties as in time they started running out of girls to date! Hawkeye smiled to himself, he had a lot of fond memories with these guys. Well I guess its time I reintroduced myself!  
  
Hawkeye started to walk toward them when Brian looked up, noticing him.  
  
"Hey, the Hawk is back in town. Lock up your daughters people the Crabapple five are reunited"  
  
Hawkeye stopped dead in his tracks. Brian realised what he had just said. "Well, I guess we'll have to change that to four now huh?" he said, trying to shrug it off. Tommy's death had been a massive blow. In a community this small, this close, you felt every loss as though it were your own. And in some ways Tommy was their own. He was their friend. He and Hawkeye had been the jokers, always making the others laugh with their banter. They were also the only two with ambition. The only two who had made it out of the Cove. From an early age you could tell that Hawkeye and Tommy were going to go on to better things.  
  
"So how have you been?" Toby said. "Yeah we've missed you buddy" Dexter added.  
  
"Saturday nights down at the bar haven't been the same without you!" Brian said.  
  
"Yeah" Dexter added, "With you out of the way we've actually managed to score a few girls for ourselves!"  
  
"Those days are over now boys, the town's most eligible bachelor is back" Karen added giving Hawkeye a gentle punch on the arm.  
  
Hawkeye blushed a little. He sure had one hell of a reputation to live up to.  
  
"So, how have you been?" Brian asked.  
  
"I'm good you know" he replied. "It's all a bit strange being back. I think I've been put off camping for life. And I will never look at the colour green in the same way again!"  
  
Karen had been studying him all night. She could tell from their meeting earlier that all was not well with Hawkeye. He was quiet and moody. Maybe he was just tired. She smiled quietly to herself as she listened to the old friends recount tales from their past. She had always known of Hawkeye's affections for her. They would jokingly flirt with each other but never seriously. She liked him, he was sensitive and charming, not to mention drop dead gorgeous but she couldn't look at him that way. He and Tommy were too close and she did not want to be caught in the middle. He did ask her out once, seriously, just before he headed off to college. She blew him off and regretted it ever since. She waited for him to ask her again but he never did. Once bitten, twice as shy she figured! Then before she knew it he was seeing this girl Carlye from Boston. In Karen's opinion Carlye changed Hawkeye forever. He was crushed when she left him. He once confided in Karen that she had ruined women for him, that he would never trust another again. He changed after that. To look at him now you would never think that Hawkeye Pierce was ever shy around women but he was. He was quiet and awkward. But Carlye had destroyed his faith in love. After her, he became the serial-dating womaniser that he was now famous for. He used women whenever he got the chance, he didn't seem to care anymore. He drank more and partied all the time. Karen partly blamed this change in behaviour on his med-school friends. She had met them a few times and they were wild boys. Trapper John, he was a real charmer. She always thought they were a bad influence on Hawkeye, but Hawkeye was his own person, capable of making his own decisions, so she kept her nose out of it. Still it saddened her to see him spiral out of control. His personal life was a mess. But she had faith in him, he just needed some time to mature. All it would take would be the right woman. She knew he was still a daft romantic at heart and with the right woman he would find love again. But sadly she was no longer that woman.  
  
"We're all just so glad you're home man, safe and well." Dexter said, "After what happened to Tommy and all... well we were just afraid the same might happen to you!"  
  
Good old Dexter. You could always rely on him to be open with his feelings. The guy didn't hide a thing. It didn't bother him that what he had just said made everyone look at the ground. It made Hawkeye want to disappear but never the less he was always grateful to Dexter for his honesty. He always confronted his feelings and he always said what was on his mind. You have to respect someone like that.  
  
"Yeah Tommy was one hell of a human being" Toby said.  
  
"The finest kind!" Hawkeye added. 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 Breaking Through  
  
Hawkeye was sitting up in bed thinking back on the night. It had been every bit as awful as he had imagined it would be. Tommy this, Tommy that, God were they ever going to shut up about Tommy! Every where he went he felt as though he was in the shadow of his old friend. His return had obviously opened up a lot of old memories. He and Tommy had after all been the life of this town. Tonight didn't feel like a welcome home party for him, it was more like a wake for Tom. The only relief for Hawkeye was that the Gillis' themselves weren't there. It turned out they were gone away for the week.  
  
Hawkeye just wanted to go to sleep so much but he couldn't. His mind was hopping, from one thing to another. His friends were great. They had laughed and reminisced with him all night but something was missing. He felt out of place with them, like he didn't belong. What is the matter with me? I've known these people since I was a child! How can they all of a sudden seem like complete strangers to me? Or maybe it's me, I'm the stranger! I don't know who these people are anymore!  
  
Hawkeye cried. This was what he was afraid would happen. He wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were, that life didn't exist anymore. All he knew now was Korea. He had experienced real friendship out there, the kind he never expected to experience again. They had been his comrades, they had been through it all with him and now they were no where to be seen. He was alone.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye spent the next few days at home. He didn't leave for anything. Karen dropped by almost everyday and sometimes Brian did as well, but he was just unable to talk to them. They would go sit out on the porch and Hawkeye would let them do all the talking. After awhile Brian stopped calling. "I think I'm beginning to freak him out" Hawkeye said to Karen. "Don't be silly he's just busy that's all!"  
  
"No, no he isn't, he just doesn't want to hang around with a loser!"  
  
Karen herself was even running out of things to say, of ways to try to perk him up. There was just no way of getting through to Hawkeye, of making him realise that everyone still loved him. The reason Brian stopped calling was that he could no longer stand to watch what was happening to his friend. And Karen was just about at the end of her tether as well, but she was determined to hang in there, for Hawkeye's sake. She noticed that he was drinking a lot and it worried her. She tried to get him to open up but it was no use. Hawkeye never burdened others with his problems. He could listen to other peoples' problems all day long and do whatever he could to help but when it came to himself it was a different story.  
  
"Listen I have to work the next couple of days but I'll call back and see you soon, ok?" "Right, see ya!" was all Hawkeye could manage.  
  
Karen walked away completely disillusioned. What was happening to him? He never gave her a kiss goodbye anymore, he never insisted on walking her home, hell he didn't even get up off the chair as she left!  
  
Hawkeye watched her walk off down the path. He knew he was hurting her but he just couldn't let her in. He couldn't burden her with images of what he had seen. He couldn't tell her about, about the baby. The baby he'd killed! Oh God! He could feel he was about to cry but then he caught a glimpse of Mrs. Gillis walking up the sidewalk. Oh no, they're home, and she's coming to see me! Hawkeye stood up. What was he going to say?  
  
"Hello Hawkeye?" came the greeting from Mrs. Gillis. "Welcome home! I'm so sorry we weren't here when you arrived. How are you?"  
  
"I'm fine, ah, good, it's good to be home!" he said hesitantly.  
  
"I bet it is! It must have been awful out there. I can only imagine from what Tommy used to say in his letters" Ann Gillis noticed Hawkeye's eyes drop at the mention of her late son. "I have something for you!"  
  
Hawkeye looked up, "For me?" he said with surprise.  
  
"Yes, we had been holding on to this until you got home" Hawkeye watched curiously as she fumbled through her carrier bag and then froze as he saw what she was pulling out. It was a large manuscript. "Here" she said with a smile.  
  
"You never hear the bullet, Tommy's book!" he said leafing through the pages.  
  
"Right!" she replied.  
  
"I don't understand, why give it to me?"  
  
"Because you were there Hawkeye, you understand. And you were one of his best friends. He would want you to have it." Hawkeye now allowed a few tears to roll down his face.  
  
"I, I don't know what to say!"  
  
"You don't have to say anything. Losing Tommy was the worst moment of our lives, but knowing that there was someone with him, knowing that in his final moments he had someone by his side that he knew, someone he loved, well, you'll never know how much that meant to us Hawkeye! It was a little piece of comfort through all the pain, knowing that he didn't die alone. We will always be grateful to you for that!"  
  
Hawkeye was stunned. He had never expected this. Tears were now flowing freely. "Thank you" he said.  
  
Mrs. Gillis hugged him to her, and both were crying now.  
  
"Well I must be off" she said pulling out a hanky to wipe her eyes.  
  
"Right!" Hawkeye nodded.  
  
She started to walk away but suddenly paused and turned back to Hawkeye "As you know the book was never finished" she said. Hawkeye nodded.  
  
"Promise me that you will read it Hawkeye"  
  
"I promise" he said trying to compose himself.  
  
"And, well I was thinking maybe someday you would finish the book, for Tommy?"  
  
"Oh I don't know Mrs. Gillis, I mean Tommy was the writer among us. I'm only used to writing prescriptions these days!"  
  
"You can do it Hawkeye. It doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to be this year. It doesn't even have to be this decade. Just please, do it someday. You were there, you're the only one that can. Tom had a strong message in this book, one that deserves to be heard. Just promise that you'll at least try?"  
  
"Ok, I'll try, for Tommy!"  
  
"Thank you." And with that she left. Hawkeye sat back down and stared blankly at Tommy's book. How the hell was he going to do this?  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye had been home three weeks by now and things had not improved. He still felt like an outcast. Everywhere he went he could sense people were talking about him. He would see them stare and then quickly look away when his eyes met theirs. He was miserable. He could feel his friends drifting away. Not that he could blame them, he was depressed, moody and no fun to be around anymore. He spent much of his days alone, on the beach, walking the cliffs or just sitting on the back porch, usually accompanied by a bottle of scotch, or vodka, or whatever was there. His tormented mind refused to let him sleep at night. Even during the day it was still at him, torturing him. He was completely non-functional either as a doctor or a person. So he walked, and walked and walked and still he could get no peace.  
  
Daniel grew increasingly worried. He had no idea what to do. Hawkeye wouldn't talk to him. He knew he wasn't sleeping. He knew he was having nightmares, he had heard the screams. He knew he wasn't getting on with his friends. What he didn't know was how to fix it. For the second time in his life he could feel one of his loved ones slipping away and there was nothing he could do! He was aware of his son's growing dependence on alcohol and this was what worried him most of all. "No I won't let it happen. I'm not going to lose Ben as well!" Daniel was determined to get his son back. It was time for an intervention.  
  
Hawkeye was crashed out on the sofa again when Daniel got home. The only time he seemed to be able to get some sleep was in the afternoon. Daniel stood in front of the unshaven, dishevelled heap that was his son. He became overwhelmed by the sadness in his heart. Then that sadness turned to anger! What have they done to you! He screamed inside himself. Damn army, of all the surgeons in America why did they have to take my son! Daniel walked away, leaving Hawkeye to sleep off whatever he drank that day.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye woke a short time later. He could hear his father in the kitchen. He always was a light sleeper! "Hey dad, tough day at the office?" he said with a cheeky grin. "Oh yeah, a real toughie" Daniel replied with sarcasm. "I had one possible appendicitis, one sore throat, and five in-grown toenails! Imagine that, five! I don't think I've ever had that many in one day!" Hawkeye smiled and sat down, grabbing the newspaper off the table.  
  
"Hey listen Hawk!" Daniel said, his tone having grown serious.  
  
"Yeah" Hawkeye said with caution. He picked up on his father's change in tone and could feel a lecture was on the way.  
  
"We gotta talk!"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"About you son. The way you've been acting lately, it's not healthy."  
  
"Dad, I really don't want to talk about this right now!"  
  
"Well when do you want to talk?" Daniel said growing angry. "No more excuses Ben, we're gonna talk right now whether you like it or not."  
  
"No we're not. You can't order me around anymore I'm not a kid dad!" Hawkeye got up to storm off but his father yelled, "Sit down. We are going to talk this out now! You see what you're doing don't you? You're running away. It's what you always do, you're never prepared to confront things!"  
  
Hawkeye froze in the hallway. Slowly he turned to face his father,  
  
"Oh I'm the one that runs away? I see! Who never told me that my mother was dying, huh? Who packed me off to live with my aunt for the summer right after she died? Who ran away then dad? I was ready to talk, I was ready to help you through it but you wouldn't let me!"  
  
"You were a child!" Both were yelling now.  
  
"I was her son! Didn't you think I was hurting too? Didn't you need me? Because I sure as hell needed you? Why did you do that dad, why did you send me away?"  
  
Daniel was silent. He had been taken by complete surprise. "Has this been burning up inside you all this time?" he asked, his tone calmer now.  
  
"Yes" Hawkeye replied in tears now.  
  
Daniel wasn't sure what to say. He had no idea how much this had affected his son. He had always put on a brave face, through everything. "I'm sorry Ben!"  
  
"That is not an answer" Hawkeye said looking directly at him.  
  
"Ok, you ask a valid question, you deserve an answer."  
  
"Yes I do." Daniel cringed at the bitterness in Hawkeye's voice. He could see the pain oozing out through his eyes. "So why, why did you do it?"  
  
"Because" Daniel hesitated.  
  
"Because why?" Hawkeye banged his fist on the kitchen table in growing impatience.  
  
"Because I couldn't stand to look at you!" Daniel finally admitted.  
  
"What?" Hawkeye gasped. He was completely taken aback.  
  
"That's why son. I couldn't look at you because every time I did I saw her! You have her cheek bones, her lips, her... Just everything about you reminded me of her and at the time I, I was trying to forget."  
  
"I don't believe this" Hawkeye said bitterly. He stormed out of the kitchen and upstairs.  
  
"Try to understand Ben. I had lost my wife, the love of my life! I was in a mess, I wasn't thinking clearly. For your own sake I had to send you away. I would have been no good for you then!"  
  
"Well you're no good to me now either" he said, slamming his bedroom door shut.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
It was sometime later before Hawkeye emerged from his room. Daniel was sitting in his armchair downstairs just staring into space. The evening had not gone at all according to plan. Instead of pulling his son aside for a heart to heart discussion, he had driven him farther away. He was at his wits end. He could hear Hawkeye moving around upstairs now, from his room to the bathroom and back again. Finally Hawkeye came running down the stairs. He grabbed his coat from the kitchen and was heading for the front door. Daniel saw that he was all dressed up. "Where are you going?" he inquired. "Out" came the flat response from Hawkeye. "Ben, I meant what I said, we need to talk!"  
  
"Don't wait up!" was all he got from Hawkeye as he shut the front door behind him.  
  
Hawkeye was too upset to talk to his father right now. Brian had been by earlier trying to get him to come out for a few beers that night. Hawkeye had declined but the events of the evening had made him change his mind. He needed to get out of the house. He hated being mad at his father. He hated himself for yelling at him and for all the things he'd said. Why couldn't I have just let things alone? Why did I have to bring mom up like that? I'm such an idiot! he thought as he made his way towards the bar. He knew the others would already be there by now.  
  
He walked from the refreshing night air into the thick-layered, smoky atmosphere of the bar. He saw the gang sitting over in the corner. Brian, Karen and Dexter were there, while Toby was playing pool with James, a workmate of his. That was all there was for the youth of Crabapple Cove to do on a Friday night, drink and play pool.  
  
"Hi everyone!" he said as he approached the table.  
  
"Hawkeye" Brian said, "You made it after all, excellent. Let me get you a drink. Let me guess, a dry martini?"  
  
"Right" Hawkeye smiled.  
  
"Yeah something's never change, we're all beer drinkers but these surgeons, they're all about class" he joked as he made his way to the bar. Hawkeye sat down next to Karen. "I see he's already has a few!"  
  
"Oh you know Brian and beer. He always likes to get an early start!"  
  
***************************************************************  
  
It was approaching ten o'clock when the gang decided to leave the bar.  
  
"Hey, the night's still young what'll we do" Toby cried. They were all a bit tipsy at this stage.  
  
"Hey, how about for old time's sake, we go into the city?" Brian suggested.  
  
"I dunno man, it's kinda late for that!" Dexter reasoned.  
  
"Ah come on! What do you say Hawkeye? We go into some of the old clubs, pick up a few ladies!" Brian winked to Hawkeye.  
  
"I dunno" Hawkeye hesitated.  
  
"I think it's a great idea" Toby said. "Let's go. How about you Karen? Come on we can catch the last bus if we hurry!"  
  
"I don't think it's my scene! And might I remind you Tobias that you are a married man!" Karen replied.  
  
She decided to walk with them as far as the bus stop, just to make sure they got on!  
  
Hawkeye really didn't want to go. It reminded him of a time in his life he was trying to distance himself from. Going into the city trying to pick up a one night stand, it just wasn't for him anymore. He looked at the others as they walked slightly ahead and realised he was staring at his past.  
  
"Come on slowcoach! We're gonna miss the bus!" Brian yelled at him.  
  
Hawkeye just threw his eyes to Heaven, a gesture that Brian didn't miss.  
  
"Oh what is your problem now?" he asked suddenly, taking Hawkeye off guard.  
  
"What?" Hawkeye replied.  
  
"You heard me. What is your problem? You know I'm getting a bit sick of your attitude man. Every time we've gone out since you got back you just sit in the corner all night, you hardly open your mouth and then when you do it's just to bitch. So come on, out with it!"  
  
Hawkeye was taken completely aback. He never expected such an accusation to come from Brian. Dexter was the confrontational one but Brian, he always just wanted a laugh and generally ignored what went on around him. Never the less Hawkeye decided it was about time to clear the air.  
  
"Alright, you really wanna know? It's you! And it's you and you and all of you!" he shouted pointing at them.  
  
"Steady there pal" Toby said. They were all a bit shocked by his outburst.  
  
"Just look at yourselves! We're nearly all thirty years old and we're still carrying on like a bunch of high school kids! It's pathetic! You just haven't changed. In all these years you're still doing the same thing day in, day out. Why don't you all just grow up!"  
  
Everyone was silent. Hawkeye couldn't believe what he had just said. He meant every word but he should have never said it like that. Finally Brian broke the silence;  
  
"Just who the hell do you think you are?"  
  
"Come on guys let's calm down" Karen tried to reason.  
  
"No, he's said his piece now I think it's about time he heard a few home truths about himself" Brian looked Hawkeye directly in the eye, he was now full of rage. "You wanna know what we're doing Hawkeye? It's called enjoying ourselves, something you seem to have forgotten all about. You know these past few weeks we have gone out of our way to try and please you, to make you feel welcome. You've given us nothing in return. And you know what? I've had it, you can go to hell now. I don't even know you anymore man!"  
  
"Well what do you want? What do you want from me Brian? Just tell me and I'll do it!" Hawkeye yelled.  
  
"I want my friend back. I want the guy that left this town three years ago!" he yelled back at him.  
  
"I can't do that Brian. I can't be that guy anymore. I've seen too much." Hawkeye said, his heart breaking. He stopped talking and just stared at the ground, there was no point in going on, they wouldn't understand what he was trying to say.  
  
"Well then maybe you should have stayed in Korea and let Tommy come home! Because whoever you are now, I don't want to know." With that Brian turned to walk away, followed by the others.  
  
His words cut right through Hawkeye. He stood in silence for a moment as they walked away from him.  
  
"I can't help it if I'm different now" he yelled after them. Only Karen turned to look back.  
  
"Go home Hawkeye" Dexter said without even turning around.  
  
"Damn it!" Hawkeye said as he smashed his beer bottle of the wall. "Go to hell" he yelled after them "I don't need any of you, you can all just go to hell!"  
  
"Hold up a sec" Dexter said to the others. He walked back towards Hawkeye and grabbing him by both shoulders, looked into his moist eyes and gently said "Hawkeye, we're your friends, we love you and we're not going to abandon you. But right now man you need to get some help! We've done what we can for you but whatever's wrong well, we can't fix it! You need to talk to someone. You're not doing well! You understand what I'm trying to say?"  
  
Hawkeye nodded "Yeah" he said through the tears.  
  
"Just go home man. Sleep it off. We'll talk tomorrow ok? You have to get yourself together, you can't go on like this!"  
  
"OK" Hawkeye nodded without making eye contact.  
  
"Good" Dexter smiled giving him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before walking back to the others. "Let's go, he's going home. He'll be ok!"  
  
"I'm going to walk him home" Karen said breaking away from the others. "He shouldn't be alone!"  
  
"Karen come back!" Brian ordered "Forget him will you? He's screwed up! Come on just forget him!"  
  
"Let her go man!" Toby said.  
  
Brian's words echoed through Hawkeye's mind, 'he's screwed up! Forget him!' He was kneeling down, his back up against the side of a wall with his head in his hands when Karen found him.  
  
"Please ignore my brother, he's an idiot" she tried to say light-heartedly.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he replied without lifting his head.  
  
"I came to see if you're alright!"  
  
"I'm fine, go catch up with the others!"  
  
"Is that why you're sitting here crying your eyes out!"  
  
He just looked at her. He had nothing to say to that.  
  
"You want to talk?" she asked gently. "You know they didn't mean a lot of what they said tonight, they were just drunk!"  
  
"Yes they did, and they're right. I've turned into a major asshole haven't I?"  
  
"I wouldn't say major. Maybe just a bit of a one, and only sometimes!"  
  
Hawkeye smirked. "I can always count on you to be straight with me can't I?"  
  
"Yep. Now how 'bout you being straight with me. What's going on?"  
  
"It's like I said. I've changed Karen. I'm not Hawkeye anymore. He's still out in Korea somewhere. I'm afraid it's only Benjamin Franklin that came home"  
  
"That's not necessarily a bad thing!"  
  
"It isn't?" he asked surprised.  
  
"No, I mean I liked Hawkeye, he did annoy me from time to time but most of the time he was ok, but I'm sure I could get to like Benjamin Franklin just as much if he'll let me!" This made Hawkeye smile.  
  
"Ah a smile, we're getting places. You see if I'm going to like this Ben Franklin, I'm gonna have to see a lot more of those smiles. So how about it? You want to give it a try?"  
  
"Give what a try?"  
  
"Getting to know each other again!" Karen paused and smiled at him. She could see a relief in his eyes that hadn't been there since he came home. She stretched out a hand towards him and said, "Hi, I'm Karen Thompson!"  
  
Hawkeye looked up at the hand stretched out in front of him. She was like an angel reaching out to pull him from his despair. "I'm Ben!" he said softly, clasping her hand in his.  
  
"Nice to meet you Ben!"  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
It was almost half eleven when Hawkeye got home. He and Karen had talked for ages and for the first time since he came home he was beginning to feel better. What the boys said that night had really hurt, but it had also really hit home with him, especially what Dexter said. They were right, he was screwed up and it was up to himself to unscrew things. He was surprised to find Daniel still up. Although under the circumstances in which he left earlier that night it wasn't at all surprising.  
  
"Hi dad" he said meekly. He knew it was time for an apology.  
  
"Are we still talking?" Daniel asked. He wasn't sure if his son was ever going to talk to him again after what happened.  
  
"Of course! Actually, I'm going to do the talking for a while, you just have to listen!" Daniel was surprised. It seemed his son was in a compromising mood.  
  
"Ok, mind if I make a cup of tea while you talk?"  
  
"Sure"  
  
"You want one?"  
  
"OK"  
  
"Well what did you want to say?"  
  
"Am, first of all, I'm sorry about earlier. It was unfair of me to throw something like that at you."  
  
"You had a right to know. I should not have sent you away, not when you needed me like that!"  
  
"I thought I was doing the talking!"  
  
"I've changed my mind. You're gonna sit there and listen to me for a change. I've wanted to say a few things to you for a while now so I'm gonna say them and nothing is going to stop me!"  
  
"OK" Hawkeye said taking his seat. He could see that his father meant business.  
  
"You know it would break your mother's heart to see you now. To see what you're doing to yourself!"  
  
"Why bring mom into this" Hawkeye said calmly but with some degree of venom.  
  
"Because I don't know what else to do Ben! I can't seem to get through to you at all. You always used to talk to your mother about your problems. Granted I know the problems of a ten year old differ enormously to whatever it is you're facing now but the thing is you never talk to me. You bottle things up, you ignore things. I can't let you do that anymore, I just can't. It's destroying you Ben. You don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't talk. About all you do is drink!"  
  
Hawkeye had been staring at the floor all throughout Daniel's speech but the last accusation made him look up.  
  
"That's right" Daniel continued. "Don't think I haven't noticed that you go off to the beach each day and take a bottle with you! I can't let you do this to yourself son. I've lost my wife but I'll be damned if I'm going to lose a son as well!" Daniel started to cry now.  
  
"Don't you see you need help Ben! You can't ignore it anymore, you can't" Daniel said forcibly.  
  
Hawkeye looked at his father with pleading eyes as tears now streamed down his face as well. It was sometime before he could bring himself to speak. "I'm sorry" was all he could say.  
  
"Oh it's not your fault son" Daniel said as he grabbed hold of his son's head and hugged him to his chest. "I want it to stop dad. I want to be happy again. I, I just don't know how! I'm so tired Dad, I'm just so tired!"  
  
"You need to talk to someone, get yourself some help. Will you do that? Please Ben!"  
  
"Yes" he cried.  
  
"Promise me?"  
  
"I promise dad, I promise"  
  
Father and son stayed there in the kitchen for some time that night, hugging and crying. Both felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from their shoulders. For Daniel it was the breakthrough he had been hoping for with his son. For Hawkeye it was the realisation that he did not have to bare this burden alone. He had a wonderful circle of friends ready to help him through this, but it was up to him to make the first move.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye didn't sleep a wink that night, but that was nothing new. He kept tossing ideas around his head as to what to do next. He knew there was only one thing to do.  
  
It was ten o' clock in the morning when he decided to place the call. It would be the best time to catch him. Nursing a small hangover, Hawkeye waited as the operator put his call through. The phone at the other end was ringing and a familiar voice eventually answered.  
  
"Hello!"  
  
"Hello Sidney?" Hawkeye said clearing his throat.  
  
"Hawkeye?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"This is a surprise, what can I do for you?"  
  
"I ah, I need your help Sid. I'm not doing so well!" 


	4. Chapter 4

-*-*- Here it is. Sorry about the delay I was busy doing things such as failing my driving test etc.  
  
Anyway I hope it's easier to read this time.  
  
Thank you all for your comments, please keep them coming, good or bad  
(but good preferably)  
  
I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Thanks for reading -*-*-  
***************************************************************  
  
Chapter 4 -A Little Help from my Friends!  
  
It was a glorious day in Crabapple Cove. The almost cloudless sky was  
dressed with the morning sun and at that moment it seemed like the most  
beautiful place on earth.  
  
Two men were down by the shore soaking up the warmth. Sidney sat on the  
rotting carcass of an old tree that had been washed in with the tide.  
Hawkeye stood by the water's edge, his back to the other man tossing  
stones out into the waves and watching them sink without a trace.  
  
"I must say this certainly beats the old lie down on the couch routine!"  
Sidney declared opening the conversation. Hawkeye made no audible  
response so Sidney decided to push matters on.  
  
"So are you going to tell me what I'm doing here?"  
  
Hawkeye turned to face him at last, not sure where to begin.  
  
"Well it's kind of a long story but to sum it up basically I'm still  
crazy, everybody here now hates me and I think I'm an alcoholic!"  
  
"Ah" Sidney said. He paused for a moment as he tried to read Hawkeye's  
body language. Hawkeye was busy searching the sand for more stones,  
looking anywhere but at Sidney.  
  
"Well what makes you think you're still crazy?" Sidney asked.  
  
"The crazy manner in which I've been behaving!" Hawkeye said flippantly,  
once again turning his back to Sidney.  
  
Sidney tossed his eyes towards the sky and gently shook his head,  
  
"Still using those evasive tactics I see. Am I going to have to drag  
everything out of you or are you going to tell me because you know I  
charge by the hour!"  
  
Hawkeye laughed. "Alright, let's talk" he said moving over to sit down  
beside Sidney.  
  
"Good, so tell me, how have things been since you got back?"  
  
Hawkeye dug his heals into the sand. "Terrible, miserable, about as bad  
as things get! No one wants to know me. My friends hate me, my father is  
afraid of me!"  
  
"Why do you think that is?" Sidney quizzed.  
  
"Because I've changed!" Hawkeye sighed. "This town hates change you see,  
in fact they fear it. They won't accept me for who I am now. I'm a  
stranger here Sid, a stranger in my own town! People go out of their way  
to avoid even having a conversation with me. The nearest I get is 'hello'  
or 'nice day.' I just... I feel so alone Sid."  
  
"So it's this place that is making you unhappy, the people?"  
  
"I dunno, I guess" Hawkeye shrugged.  
  
"Well then leave!" Sidney said plainly.  
  
"What?" Hawkeye almost shouted.  
  
"Leave, go somewhere else, take a vacation!"  
  
"I can't leave, this is my home!" Hawkeye cried in disbelief.  
  
"But IF it is this place that is making you unhappy, then how can you  
stay?"  
  
"IF! What, you don't think this place is my problem do you?"  
  
"No I don't!" Sidney said sincerely.  
  
"But wouldn't leaving be running away from my problems? I mean isn't that  
the one thing you're always telling me not to do?" Hawkeye couldn't  
believe how direct Sidney was. He didn't even have to think about his  
last reply, he just came straight out with it.  
  
"Actually you wouldn't be running away" Sidney said in his flat,  
psychiatrist tone.  
  
"I wouldn't?"  
  
"Quite the opposite. You would in fact be confronting your problems!"  
  
Sidney stared at Hawkeye for a while, watching for his response. The look  
of utter confusion on Hawkeye's face made him smile. He continued,  
  
"By staying here you have this town and these people to blame for your  
unhappiness, your craziness. Going away would force you to come face to  
face with the real problem..., you!"  
  
"Me, I'm the problem! Come on Sid, you can do better than that." Hawkeye  
said not taking him seriously.  
  
"Hawkeye, you are your own worst enemy, always have been." Sidney  
reasoned, "You're just so hard on yourself. It's not this town that has  
trouble accepting that you have changed... it's you!"  
  
"What?" Hawkeye was losing patience. Just what was Sidney getting at  
here.  
  
"It's simple. You don't want to acknowledge the fact that you have  
changed. You want to be that loveable Hawkeye Pierce that never let a  
thing touch him. You want to go back to the way things were don't you? No  
one could blame you for wanting that. It's what we all prayed for the day  
we left Korea!"  
  
Hawkeye was silent.  
  
"You came back here after three years in a war-zone expecting to pick up  
where you left off but you couldn't and that's what makes you angry isn't  
it?"  
  
Hawkeye stared out in front of him, out across the ocean, the ocean that  
would take him miles away from here if he really wanted to. He took in  
all that Sidney had just said.  
  
"I just wanted to be me again" he began. "I wanted to forget all about  
Korea but I can't. It's there day after day." Hawkeye let out a pained  
sigh as he covered his eyes with the palms of his hands.  
  
"It invades my dreams while I'm asleep and I wake up screaming in a cold  
sweat. So I just don't sleep anymore. It does the same to me during the  
day so I drink myself into oblivion. It just won't go away Sid. It's  
everywhere I go and I can't escape. I can't do anything, I can't work,  
hell I can't even hold a conversation."  
  
Sidney could see that Hawkeye was exhausted. Every word seemed to take so  
much energy out of him.  
  
"You're not alone in feeling like this Hawkeye. There are things I'd  
rather forget too but I can't. But you have to learn to live with it.  
It's important to get on with your life. You continue the way you are,  
well that's going to lead you down a bad road, one you may not return  
from."  
  
Hawkeye just continued to stare at the sea. He would occasionally let his  
eyes drop to the sand at his feet but he would never look directly at  
Sidney.  
  
"The first thing you have to realise Hawk, is that there is no going  
back. You cannot pick up the threads of your old life because they have  
long since been severed. That life for you no longer exists, you have to  
move on."  
  
"What if I don't want to?" he said quietly, looking at Sidney for the  
first time.  
  
"You have to, for your sake, for your father's sake. You have to accept  
who you are now. You have to learn to love yourself again, to be happy in  
your own skin. You'll find that once you've accepted yourself, the rest  
of the town will follow suit."  
  
"How do I do that?" Hawkeye begged.  
  
"Asking for my help was the first step. There is no easy answer, no one  
definite way. The only thing I'm sure of is that it will take time. But  
you'll make it Hawkeye. I'm going to pull you through this." Sidney gave  
Hawkeye a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.  
  
"You always know what to say Sid" Hawkeye said turning his head back  
towards the sea.  
  
"Well it's all part of the training!" Sidney smiled.  
  
"How do you do it? How do you stop the war from taking you over?" Hawkeye  
said somewhat in awe and in envy of Sidney's serenity. "You saw it too,  
you saw the pain, the blood...."  
  
"Well I have a wife and child I need to be strong for. Plus I also have  
everybody else's problems to fill my head with so I don't get too caught  
up in my own." Sidney smiled and then more seriously added "I won't lie  
to you Hawk. I'm not invincible, there have been times too when I've  
strayed dangerously close to the edge. The trick is to know when to pull  
back. You don't have to feel ashamed of falling over the edge from time  
to time Hawk. Doing what you had to do, everyday for the last three  
years? No one should have to go through that. It's not natural. Our  
bodies weren't built to deal with human tragedy of such a large scale.  
But you did it! No matter what you kept going. You fought that war every  
step of the way and though you may have slipped a few times you always  
got back up again! Don't let it beat you now, you have to keep fighting!"  
  
Hawkeye sighed sadly as tears gently rolled down his cheeks, "It's just  
it's harder now" he said shaking his head. "I don't have those boys to  
stay strong for, I don't have a camp full of people looking to me to keep  
their morale up. I don't have that camp full of people to keep my morale  
up. Don't you see, no one depends on me anymore, no one needs me here!  
There's nothing left to fight for and to be honest Sid I've got nothing  
left to fight with!"  
  
"You owe it to yourself to try. You owe it to your father. You owe it to  
Captain Hawkeye Pierce. That man did a heck of a job out there, he saved  
many, many lives. You should be proud of what he did!"  
  
Hawkeye nodded.  
  
"The fact that you asked me here shows me that you want to fight, so how  
'bout it? Let's fight it together Hawk, what do you say?"  
  
"Ok Sid, I'm gonna try. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm tired  
of always being so tired. I want my life back!"  
  
"Great, so let's make a start then shall we?"  
  
Hawkeye just shrugged his shoulders in agreement.  
  
"You can start by telling me what you do in a typical day around here."  
  
Hawkeye scratched his neck as he compiled his answer. "Well some days I  
might not get up until three or four in the afternoon. I just lie in  
bed..."  
  
"And what do you think about when you're just laying there?" Sidney  
quizzed.  
  
"Nothing!" Hawkeye said flatly.  
  
"You must think about something?"  
  
"No, actually I just try to let my mind go blank, staring at the ceiling  
helps because it's white and well, blank!"  
  
"You try to let your mind go blank but you don't succeed do you?"  
  
"Well it is nearly impossible I guess to go completely blank but I get as  
close as I can. Sometimes I'll cry, for no reason, I just start crying.  
Its mostly just gentle tears but sometimes I really let the floodgates  
open."  
  
"How do you feel when you're lying there in bed all day while outside  
people are busy getting on with their lives?"  
  
"Alone, I... just so alone" Hawkeye said with a bleakness in his voice that  
was almost heartbreaking.  
  
Sidney remained silent for a while. He could see that his old friend was  
in a lot of trouble. The pain that Hawkeye was living with oozed out  
through his tired eyes. Sidney wasn't sure how much he could help him. No  
matter what he did there would always be a part of Hawkeye that would be  
left scarred. Having known Hawkeye it pained him greatly to see what had  
happened to him. Most of his patients he had never known before their  
troubles, he didn't know their true personality, he didn't know them at  
all. But he knew Hawkeye and he missed him. Hawkeye was so vibrant, so  
full of fun. He barely recognised the man that now sat next to him. He  
could see that Hawkeye was clearly suffering from severe depression. It  
made Sidney so angry; he had seen this happen to too many good men.  
  
Suddenly he straightened his back as a wave of determination came over  
him. He was damned if he was going to lose Hawkeye. No matter how long it  
would take he was going to see that Hawkeye recovered!  
  
"You're not alone Hawkeye. You've got your father and your friends"  
  
Hawkeye nodded but made no response. "Tell me about your dreams?" Sidney  
asked.  
  
They talked for hours that morning. Hawkeye recounted a few of his most  
frightening nightmares. They discussed surgery and Hawkeye was insistent  
that he would not be returning. Sidney knew he had to take things one  
step at a time so he did not push Hawkeye further on the surgery, but  
they would have to return to that subject sometime in the future.  
  
Hawkeye could not deny that by the end of the session he was feeling a  
great deal better. The weight he had been carrying around since he came  
home had lightened considerably.  
  
"I gotta tell you Sid, I'm feeling so much better after talking to you!"  
He smiled. It wasn't the usual forced smile that he wore around Crabapple  
Cove, it was a smile of relief.  
  
"Good. I'm afraid I've got to take off now but here's what I'm going to  
do. I'm going to come back and see you once a week for the next few  
weeks, just for a while. Ring my office and schedule an appointment."  
  
"OK, I will."  
  
"In the meantime I want you to try and talk more, trust your friends  
Hawkeye, I think they care about you a lot more than you think!"  
  
"I'll try"  
  
"Now we didn't discuss the drinking today but try to cut down. You know  
very well that that is not a road you want to take!"  
  
"Right, no drinking!"  
  
"And one more thing! I'm going to prescribe some medication for you"  
  
"Sid please, no drugs. I don't want that again!"  
  
"I think it would really help you. Just a little pick-me-up for when  
things get a little rough. Don't worry, it's not forever, just until you  
get back on your feet!"  
  
"What if I, you know, become dependant on them? I don't want to be one of  
these people who have to take one pill to go to sleep and another to wake  
up!"  
  
"Trust me Hawk. That won't happen. It will be a small controlled dosage  
ok? Now about your sleeping problem, you should try yoga or something,  
it's supposed to be very good! Relaxes you completely!"  
  
"Yoga, Sid come on!"  
  
"Ok, ok, we'll talk about the yoga next week!" Sidney said with a smile.  
"We made good progress today Hawk and don't worry, you're not crazy"  
  
"I'm not?"  
  
"No, believe me I've seen crazy and this ain't it!"  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye walked Sidney to his car.  
"I really appreciate you doing this for me. I didn't know where else to  
go. You just know me so well, you know what it was like out there!"  
  
"No trouble Hawkeye. I'm glad you felt you could call me. I had been  
wondering about how you were doing actually. I kinda had to throw you  
back out on the field over there a bit faster than I'd have liked. But  
don't worry, I think you're doing just fine!"  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yeah, you sought help for yourself. Not a lot of people are willing to  
admit that to themselves!"  
  
"Well it did take a slight clubbing over the head from my friends and dad  
of course!"  
  
Sidney pulled his bag out of the car. He reached in and took out a small  
bottle of pills.  
"Here you go, now make sure you take one of these whenever things get  
really bad. Promise me?"  
  
"I promise" Hawkeye said, reluctantly taking them from him.  
  
"Oh, and try to get back to work. Even if it's just browsing the papers  
for a job, just do something. You need a plan. You can't hang out on that  
back porch forever!"  
  
"Ok, I'll do that!"  
  
"Good, well I'll see you next week then"  
  
"See you Sidney and thanks again!"  
  
Hawkeye watched Sidney's car drive out of view. It felt really good to  
talk to Sidney. Some of what he said had surprised him but the more  
Hawkeye thought about it the more he realised how right he was. "I am my  
own worst enemy!" he thought making his way back to the house.  
  
****************************************************************  
  
"Ben!"  
  
"Hey, dad!"  
  
"How'd it go today?" Daniel asked in anticipation. He really hoped that  
seeing Sidney would help to mend Hawkeye somewhat.  
  
"Good, actually really good. He made a lot of sense about a lot of  
things. He's going to see me again next week!"  
  
"Excellent" Daniel replied pouring himself a drink. "You want something  
to drink?"  
  
"Ah" Hawkeye hesitated a moment, "No, no I won't, thanks!"  
  
Daniel gave Hawkeye a strange look.  
  
"What?" Hawkeye said.  
  
"Nothing, I've just never known you to turn down a drink before!"  
  
"Oh I'm giving it up, turns out too much of the stuff can be bad for  
you!"  
  
Daniel was surprised. "What giving it up altogether?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"Well OK then, just as long as you don't expect me to do the same!" he  
said jokingly.  
  
Hawkeye just smiled and left the room. Daniel was laughing silently to  
himself.  
  
"Giving it up altogether" he shook his head in disbelief. He never  
thought he'd hear words like that coming from his son but on a more  
serious level he was relieved. It meant that Hawkeye was going to try and  
that meant more than anything to him.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
That afternoon Hawkeye walked by Brian's house. He felt it was time to be  
straight with his old friend. As he approached the house he could see  
Brian was out front washing his car. Hawkeye had no idea what he was  
going to say. He had been rehearsing a few lines on the way over but  
nothing sounded right. They hadn't spoken since the other night.  
  
"Hey" he said.  
  
Brian looked up, "Hey" he said coolly.  
  
"Can we talk?" Hawkeye asked, his nervousness telling by his tone.  
  
Brian stared at him for what felt like an eternity to Hawkeye before  
saying "Sure! I was about to take a break anyway." Brian dropped the  
sponge he was using in the bucket and walked towards the porch. "Come on,  
let's sit down!"  
  
Hawkeye followed him up the steps. "Want a beer?"  
  
"No, thank you"  
  
Both sat opposite each other, neither one sure what to say next.  
  
"Ah first of all" Hawkeye began, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry"  
  
"I'm the one who should be sorry. About the other night, I was drunk..."  
  
"No you were quite right in what you said. I know I haven't been much  
company lately"  
  
"Well I guess you've got a lot on your mind"  
  
"Yeah!" Hawkeye said looking down at the wooden deck. "It's just... I've  
still got a lot of the war going around in my head. I haven't been able  
to think straight for a while now but I'm working on it. I'm getting  
help"  
  
Brian nodded in silence, he didn't know what to say.  
  
"I don't expect you to ever understand what has happened to me Brian, in  
fact I hope you never do! There's no denying that I'm a different person  
now. The war has changed me, forever. Nothing will ever be the same for  
me again, I think I've been too badly damaged. If you don't want to know  
me anymore then I understand completely. But I was hoping that you'd give  
me a second chance." Hawkeye looked up at Brian who met his gaze before  
looking away. "I'm trying really hard to move on with my life, to fit in  
again, all I ask is that you have a little patience with me, that you try  
to get to know me again!"  
  
"Yeah I think I could do that!" Brian said warmly. "Hawk, I'm so sorry  
about the other night. I said a lot of stuff I didn't mean. The reason I  
got so angry was that it was killing me to see what was happening to you.  
And what was worse was knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop  
it! I still want to be your friend Hawkeye but you've got to let me be  
one. I just felt so useless lately, like I couldn't reach you. I mean we  
used to tell each other everything!"  
  
"I know, but it's harder now. I know it's a bit cliché but with war you  
just had to be there to understand. It's not something you can explain to  
another person because it's so hard to understand it all yourself. For  
the past three years I've seen human nature at its lowest, at its most  
depraved. And that was just Rosie's Bar of a Saturday night! There are no  
words to describe the war, even hell doesn't quite cut it!"  
  
"Well maybe someday you'll find the words and we can discuss it over a  
few beers. But in the meantime, we could always talk about something  
else, like baseball or football, or women!" Brian said with a wink.  
  
"Yeah, I'd like that" Hawkeye laughed. "Thanks Brian!"  
  
Brian smiled. "Well I'd better get back to the car"  
  
"Right, I'll see you around!"  
  
"Bye Hawk!"  
  
************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye strolled along the cliffs after meeting Brian that evening. The  
cliffs were his favourite place for thinking. His mother would walk them  
often. There was one particular spot where she would always stop. The  
view from there was absolutely breathtaking. You could look right down on  
the whole town, and then out across the bay where the fishing boats lay  
dotted across the horizon.  
  
Hawkeye now stood in that very spot. It was the first time since he came  
home that he actually paused to take in the beauty that surrounded him.  
"God I love this place" he thought taking a great deep breath of sea air.  
He thought back over the days events. The meeting with Sidney had really  
opened his eyes. He had to stop feeling sorry for himself. He had to move  
on. Hawkeye Pierce was never one to roll over and die.  
  
He felt for the bottle of pills in his pocket that Sidney had given him.  
Part of him wanted to toss them over the edge to be devoured in the swell  
below. But he put them back in his pocket, he had a feeling things might  
get worse before they got better.  
  
The reconciliation with Brian had gone better than he'd planned. He had  
underestimated all of his friends; it seems they understood more than he  
had credited them with. He and Brian would never have anything compared  
to the friendship he shared with B.J., but that didn't matter as long as  
it was friendship.  
"Wonder how Beej is doing! I bet he's just fine" Hawkeye thought to  
himself.  
  
"Good evening Benjamin!" A familiar voice broke his train of thought, it  
was Karen.  
  
"Ah Good evening madam!" Hawkeye replied in a posh tone, "What brings you  
here?"  
  
"I was out for a walk when I saw you in the distance. Thought you might  
like some company!"  
  
"Yes I would but I suppose you'll have to do!"  
  
"You creep!" she said giving him a punch.  
  
"Ha, ha, you know I'm kidding. I would love your company!" Hawkeye stated  
in an exaggerated tone.  
  
"That's better! So how did it go today with you know?"  
  
"You mean with my psychiatrist?"  
  
"Sorry!" she blushed.  
  
"It's ok. It was good. We had a long chat about things and cleared my  
head up a bit. I now know that this town and its people aren't the enemy.  
Let's just say I've gone from the road to self-destruction to the road to  
recovery. It'll take time but I'm going to make it!" Hawkeye was  
surprised by his own sudden burst of positive thinking.  
  
"I'm so happy. And you know we're all here to help you along the way, no  
matter how long it takes?"  
  
"Yeah, I know that now. So tell me, when am I going to meet this fiancé  
of yours?" he said changing the subject.  
  
"Oh you want to meet him do you?"  
  
"Of course. I want to give him the once over, make sure he's good enough  
for you!"  
  
"Don't you go telling him any stories!" she warned, waving a finger at  
him.  
  
"ME?" he said defensively.  
  
"I know what you're like, you're just dying to spill the beans aren't  
you?"  
  
Hawkeye just threw his hands up in an innocent gesture.  
  
"Well I'm warning you, you spill any beans and I'll spill a few teeth"  
  
Hawkeye just looked at her warmly. That attitude reminded him a lot of a  
feisty major he once knew.  
  
"What are you smiling at?"  
  
"Oh, I was just thinking of some of the gang at the 4077th. Wondering  
what they're up to!"  
  
"You were very close to them weren't you?"  
  
Hawkeye smiled sadly. "They were a good bunch."  
  
"The finest kind you might say?" Karen smiled, that was Hawkeye's famous  
catchphrase.  
  
"The finest kind" he repeated. "I really miss them!"  
  
"Well it's good that you have some fond memories of the place!"  
  
Yeah but not so good when those memories are now ripping you apart  
because you can't be close to them anymore, you can't be close to her!  
The way her perfume used to fill the O.R. Sometimes to the point of near  
suffocation but you didn't mind because she smelt so damn good!  
  
"Hello!" Karen said loudly into his face.  
  
"Oh sorry, what were you saying?"  
  
"I said Ted, my fiancé, will be here next weekend, you can meet him  
then!"  
  
"Good. So does this mean that when you marry you'll be moving to  
Portland?"  
  
"Well that's where his job is so I guess so! He has a house there and all  
so it would make more sense for me to be the one to move!"  
  
"Town won't be the same without you!"  
  
"It's not like I'm moving states! I'll come and visit!"  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"Just you try and stop me!" she said taking his arm.  
  
They had reached the bottom of the cliffs by now and proceeded to walk  
back into town.  
  
"Hey Hawkeye?" Karen said in a curious tone as she swung gaily off his  
arm.  
  
"Hey Karen?"  
  
"Serious up a second!" she said sternly. He could be so hard to talk to  
when he was in a silly mood!  
  
"OK" Hawkeye said somewhat intrigued.  
  
"I just always wondered, well you're gonna think this is silly but..."  
  
"I think a lot of things are silly, come on spit it out!"  
  
"How come you never asked me out, you know before Tommy did?"  
  
"You're wondering that now?"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
Hawkeye blushed slightly remembering his days as a love sick teenager,  
"Well" he began, "I just didn't have the guts! Tommy got there first and  
it's been my loss ever since!" he said with sincerity.  
  
"Mine too" Karen said.  
  
"Really? Well as long as we're being honest, why did you blow me off when  
I did eventually ask you out? Was I five years too late?"  
  
"Honestly, I don't know why. I wanted to say yes, but I guess we'd become  
so close, it would have been like dating a brother! I was afraid of  
ruining what we had!"  
  
"Story of my life!" Hawkeye almost whispered.  
  
"If it's any consolation, I've regretted it since!"  
  
"Well if it's any consolation, I think you did the right thing!"  
  
"You do?" she said in surprise.  
  
"Yeah, the way I was at college! I'd have been a real asshole to you, it  
would have ruined our friendship!"  
  
"Well I am glad that didn't happen. So does this mean that Hawkeye the  
renowned womaniser is retiring from his lecherous ways?"  
  
"We'll see" Hawkeye said with his trademark grin. 


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 -Reconnecting  
  
A year had passed since Hawkeye made that first telephone call to Sidney.  
A lot had changed in that time. Karen was married and living in Portland.  
He really missed not having her around to talk to, sure she rang all the  
time but it wasn't the same. Toby's wife was pregnant with their second  
child and Brian was madly in love with a Portuguese woman he met while  
holidaying in Las Vegas. "I'm going to marry her you know" he would say  
to Hawkeye. "I know, I know, you've only said so like a hundred times  
since you got back!" Hawkeye would say in exasperation.  
  
He was delighted for them all on the outside but he couldn't help but  
feel jealous inside. Their happiness only served to remind him of how  
alone he still was. For him it had been a long year in which his life  
hadn't really moved on that much. The battle with alcohol had been  
tougher than he had imagined but he did it. He hadn't touched a drop in  
nearly five months.  
  
Physically, he was in better shape than he had ever been. Nina had been  
like a mother hen making sure he was eating properly. His father would  
force him out of the bed each morning after which he would go for a run  
before breakfast. He also pulled out his old weights from his college  
days. He was fit and it felt good. The added weight together with his  
daily workouts gave him more confidence. His strength was all coming back  
both physically and mentally. Although he was still quite thin, his  
muscles were well toned and the nice bright summer had given him a  
healthy glow. In the eyes of the town's people, he was looking more like  
himself everyday.  
  
Night time however was a different story. He still wasn't sleeping. He  
even took Sidney's suggestion of yoga, but it didn't work, he just felt  
foolish. His mind was still very much in torment. Night after night the  
war would invade his dreams. He resigned himself to the fact that that  
was the way it was going to be for him from now on, he would just have to  
live with it.  
  
He was doing a good job at fooling everybody into thinking he was his old  
self. He was pleasant, witty and charming. He began working alongside his  
father in the practice, lightning the load as it were. At first people  
were reluctant to see him, preferring his father's service. But then one  
night he became the hero of the town again when he came upon a car that  
had been driven into a ditch. Saving the lives of the two occupants of  
the car had restored people's faith in him and now business was booming  
for the Pierces.  
  
So as far as everyone was concerned those first few awkward months with  
Hawkeye were long forgotten and they had since found someone else to  
gossip about.  
  
For Hawkeye, everyday, it was an effort just getting out of bed. He would  
put on his false face and smile for everyone while all the time inside,  
he was in pieces.  
  
He was still seeing Sidney, but only once a month now. He was learning to  
live with the pain and Sidney was happy with his progress. He was also  
still taking the pills he had been prescribed for his depression though  
not as often. Life had improved some bit, in fact apart from the insomnia  
he found he could make it through each day quite easily, as long as he  
kept dancing! This immediately made him think of B.J. B.J. had once told  
him you could go without sleep for two weeks as long as you kept dancing!  
  
"Well it's been over twelve months now Beej and I'm still dancing!" he  
smiled to himself.  
  
B.J. had in fact made contact with Hawkeye over the telephone about five  
months after the war ended. He sounded great. Hawkeye was delighted to  
hear from him. He was surprised at how open B.J. had been about his  
feelings. He told Hawkeye everything. He too had been having nightmares,  
and it had been pretty tough with Erin too at first. It killed him that  
she was so shy around him, that he had to get to know his own daughter  
all over again. This gave Hawkeye the ability to share some of his  
feelings too. He told B.J. that he'd given up the booze. B.J. was  
surprised but congratulated his friend on doing so. He kept inviting  
Hawkeye over to Millvalley and they promised to meet up before the year  
was out.  
  
"I know, we'll have a reunion! All the gang" he would say in that excited  
manner. Hawkeye knew once he got this way there was no talking to him.  
  
"Even Frank Burns?" Hawkeye said trying to sound disinterested.  
  
"No of course not! But it would be great wouldn't it? We'd get together  
and relieve all the old times"  
  
"What, stick a few tents in the backyard and get Charles' gamekeeper to  
shoot at us?" Hawkeye said sarcastically.  
  
"Fine if sarcasm is all I'm gonna get from you I'll organise it myself.  
But you would come wouldn't you?"  
  
"Mmm" Hawkeye was humming and hawing at the other end.  
  
"You have to come, even if it means me flying out there and dragging you  
back with me!"  
  
"Yeah, well I guess it would be good to see them all again" Hawkeye was  
playing it cool on the outside but inside part of him grew very excited  
about the prospect of seeing Margaret again. Of course then there was  
that insecure part of him that shouted, 'wake up ya ninny! She doesn't  
want to know you!'  
  
"Great" B.J. replied. Hawkeye could picture a big cheesy grin underneath  
that cheesy moustache. "I know you always respond well to threats!"  
  
"OK so you got your way. There is one condition however!"  
  
"I'm not shaving my moustache!" B.J. cut back.  
  
"How did you know I was going to say that?"  
  
"Because that's what you always say, every time we talk its 'have you  
shaved that cheesy moustache off yet!'"  
  
And so it went on back and forth. The two men had reconnected and now it  
was like they had never been parted. Hawkeye figured that it was all talk  
with B.J. and that this reunion would never happen. For one thing no-one  
had heard from Klinger or Fr. Mulcahay, both were probably still in  
Korea. And also no-one knew where Margaret was. She had dropped  
completely out of contact. Hawkeye thought it was just him but apart from  
ringing Colonel Potter once a few months ago no-one had heard from her.  
  
He figured part of his inner turmoil had to do with her. He was still in  
love with her. Everyone in the Cove was surprised to see that he had  
changed his womanising ways. In fact he had gone the complete opposite.  
He didn't date at all.  
  
"Hawkeye" his father would say in that tone Hawkeye knew only too well,  
the 'we have to talk' tone.  
  
"Yes dad" he said as he leafed through a medical journal. Although he  
wasn't a practicing surgeon anymore he still liked to keep up to date,  
just in case.  
  
"We have to talk!"  
  
Here it comes! He said in his mind. Hawkeye just looked at his father  
with a bored expression. He had a pretty good idea what this was about.  
  
"You've been home a year now, when are you going to start dating again?"  
  
"Dad we've been through this. I'll start dating as soon as a woman I want  
to date comes along!"  
  
"When is that going to happen? This place is full of nice girls, surly  
one of them is worth a shot!"  
  
"Dad, I know there are lots of nice girls out there, I've seen them. They  
just don't have what I'm looking for!"  
  
"I've never known you to be fussy!"  
  
"Dad" he said exasperated "I'm not in love with any of these women. I  
will never fall in love with them so therefore I am not going to date  
them, OK?"  
  
"Alright no need to get tetchy"  
  
"I'm not getting tetchy!"  
  
"Yes you are!"  
  
"Dad"  
  
"OK I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you. All your friends are settling  
down. They don't seem to have a problem with the girls around here..."  
  
"Dad" Hawkeye said in a warning tone.  
  
"I just don't want to see you end up alone Ben. You deserve to be happy,  
you deserve to be loved!"  
  
"I know Dad. That's exactly why I'm not going out to settle down with the  
first nice girl I happen to meet. I want to make sure she's the one you  
know?"  
  
"OK. Just don't take too long. Once you reach my age, girls tend to lose  
their interest. Those good looks of yours won't last forever!"  
  
"Thanks Dad!" Hawkeye said in an unappreciated tone.  
  
"Oh you know what I mean"  
  
Daniel decided now was a good time to leave, he could tell he was  
crossing that line and was coming dangerously close to really pissing  
Hawkeye off. Hawkeye just smiled to himself as he watched his father  
leave. "Parents" he thought shaking his head, "They never stop worrying  
do they!"  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Then one day it happened, purely by chance, twist of fate, or maybe  
coincidence? Hawkeye was in Boston sussing out prices for medical  
supplies. He felt their current supplier was ripping them off. It was  
approaching lunch time when he arrived and he decided to stop for a bite  
to eat before continuing his quest. He loved Boston, it was his favourite  
city in the world. He passed by all the old haunts that he and Trapper  
used to frequent in the old days. Crazy times! he thought to himself.  
Maybe I should drop by Beacon Hill, see if Charles is around! Wouldn't he  
just love to see me coming!  
  
He was about to cross the street when from behind him he heard an  
unmerciful string of swearing pouring out of a young woman's mouth. Hang  
on a sec, I know that voice... "It can't be" he said as he turned to see  
who it was.  
  
"It is!" he said in disbelief. There, kneeling over a bag of spilt  
groceries, cursing for all she was worth was Margaret Houlihan.  
  
Hawkeye stood watching her for a moment unsure if he was just  
hallucinating. She wore a light summer dress that made his knees shake.  
Slowly he walked towards her, watching her golden hair rise and fall with  
the gentle breeze. He stood over her for a moment not sure what to do  
next. Finally he simply said, "Need a hand?"  
  
Margaret froze. That voice made the hairs on her neck stand on end. Only  
one person spoke like that but it couldn't possibly be could it? Slowly  
she tilted her head upwards. There before her stood all six foot two  
inches of Hawkeye Pierce, the man who had gone from being a major pain in  
the ass to a major pain in the heart for her in Korea. This was the man  
she loved.  
  
"Hawkeye?" she croaked eventually in disbelief.  
  
"Hello Margaret" he smiled. That smile! She had so missed the way he used  
to smile at her. "Had a bit of an accident had we?" he said as he bent  
down to help her.  
  
"Och yeah, these stupid bags, they always tare!"  
  
"Not to worry we'll soon have it cleared up" he said reaching out to  
gather up her groceries.  
  
She stayed watching him, his face not more than a foot from her own. She  
felt like she was in a trance, unable to move and still not believing her  
eyes. He looked good, better than he had looked for a while. Towards the  
end of the war you could tell he was worn out, it showed in his eyes, in  
the way he hardly ever bothered to shave. But today, he looked good, he  
looked very good.  
  
He straightened his head so his eyes met hers, he still had that  
infectious smile across his face. "Do I get a hug?" he asked as he looked  
deep into her eyes. Margaret snapped out of her trance and managed a  
smile before being enveloped in his strong arms. She folded her arms  
across his shoulders as the tension slowly left her body. "I've missed  
you!" she said warmly. "I've missed you too!" Hawkeye said loosening his  
grip so he could take a closer look at her. "You look as beautiful as  
ever" he said.  
  
"Thank you, you don't look so bad yourself!" she replied, blushing  
slightly. "It's so good to see you!" she said finally looking straight  
into those wide blue eyes. Oh boy, they still made her melt even after  
all this time.  
  
"It's good to see you too!" he said standing up. "I was wondering what  
had become of you!"  
  
They were both now standing and acting like a pair of shy school kids.  
Reluctantly Hawkeye let go of her and bent down to pick up her bags. He  
still couldn't believe he had just run into her like this, it had to be  
fate!  
  
"So what are you doing here in Boston?" he asked hoping the answer  
wouldn't involve words like 'married' and 'with child'.  
  
"I live here now!" she said taking one of the bags from him.  
  
"No kidding. For how long?" he said in surprise.  
  
"About four months now!"  
  
"I can't believe we've been living so close together all along. I come to  
Boston all the time and I've never seen you!"  
  
"Until today!"  
  
"Right!" he laughed.  
  
"Hey listen" she said unsurely, "I was just going to grab some lunch,  
would you like to join me?"  
  
"I'd love to!" he said.  
  
"That is unless of course you're busy"  
  
"I'd love to!" He said again but Margaret wasn't listening.  
  
"I mean if you are well maybe then we could do it some other day. It's  
just it'd be nice to catch up and... what?"  
  
"I said I'd love to. I've got the whole day free!"  
  
"Oh, well, excellent. Let's go then. There's a nice little restaurant I  
go to, it's just up the road here. They do the nicest spaghetti  
bolognese!"  
  
"They do huh? Well you haven't tasted mine then. I cook the best damn  
spag bol you'll ever taste!" he declared.  
  
"Oh you do eh? Well I guess you'll have to give me a sample some day.  
It's the only way I'll know for sure." She was beginning to relax now and  
smiled as she walked with him.  
  
"You're on" he said putting an arm around her shoulder, "It's all in the  
sauce you know!"  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
They sat by the window of the restaurant directly opposite each other.  
There was an awkward silence at first as Hawkeye stared out the window  
and Margaret played with her glass of water.  
  
"So tell me, what's knew with you? Any um boyfriends or husbands I don't  
know about?" he said nervously.  
  
She was taken aback by the directness of his question. Hawkeye did always  
like to get straight to the heart of things where she was concerned. She  
noticed he immediately broke eye contact with her as if he was sorry he'd  
asked. She had never seen him shy away before, this was new.  
  
"No, well, no-one special anyway." She was trying to be evasive. "As for  
husbands! You think I'd be crazy enough to marry that fast again?" she  
said. Her smile took the edge off the conversation and Hawkeye felt able  
to relax again. He was mentally kicking himself for starting with such a  
stupid question.  
  
"No I don't suppose you would!" he said quietly while he stirred his  
water with a straw.  
  
"What about you? Any Mrs. Pierces on the horizon?"  
  
"Ah... well...no" he said shaking his head while his eyes remained focused on  
the glass of water in front of him.  
  
"No one?" she said trying to look into his eyes.  
  
He shook his head once more in confirmation.  
  
"So what are you doing in Boston?" he asked looking up briefly.  
  
"I work here, over in Boston General."  
  
"They got army nurses working there now? I know it's a tough place to  
work but really!"  
  
She laughed at this. He could be a real goofball! "No silly, I'm not in  
the army anymore!" she declared.  
  
"What? You left the army?" he said in complete disbelief.  
  
"That's right. I've been out just over four months now!"  
  
"But what about your career, becoming colonel, what about Howitzer Al?  
How'd he take it?"  
  
"I am a colonel! Got promoted right after the war! As for my father! He  
did not take it well at all. He doesn't like it but he's accepting it, I  
think!" she said taking a sip of water.  
  
"But why, I don't understand I thought the army was your life, how could  
you just give it up like that?"  
  
"You sound like my father!" she said stony faced but then smiled to show  
she wasn't serious. "I decided it wasn't the life for me anymore. I'd  
done my duty, I don't owe this country anymore. Now it's time for me. I  
want to do things for me now. I don't want to have to move home every two  
years, I want some place that I can call home!"  
  
"So you chose Boston?"  
  
"So I chose Boston, and I have not one regret either fella!" she said  
confidently.  
  
"That's great, I'm so proud of you Margaret!" he said raising his glass  
to her.  
  
Wow, she was like a new woman. That confidence he had only just started  
to see in Korea now flowed out of her every pore.  
  
"Why thank you, I'm proud of me too!" she said childishly meeting his  
glass in the centre of the table.  
  
"You seem so different, you're just so full of confidence, you're...you  
just look so happy!" he blurted.  
  
She loved to hear him praise her. Whenever Hawkeye gave praise it wasn't  
the empty kind, you knew you had earned it. He never said anything he  
didn't mean. That was something she always admired about him, his brutal  
honesty. Even if sometimes you really didn't want to hear it, he'd always  
let you know what he thought. Course it landed him in the odd court  
martial from time to time but somehow he always seemed to escape in the  
end.  
  
"I owe most of this to you!" she said sincerely. He looked up at her  
unsure what to say in reply. "You opened my eyes to a lot of things  
Hawkeye, showed me that a life existed outside the army, a wonderful life  
that I was missing out on. You helped me through some of the lowest  
points in my life, the divorce, the war. You gave me independence! You  
taught me how to be me!"  
  
"Well, I don't know if you can credit me with all that" he said  
bashfully. "You did it all on your own Margaret. Let's not forget I was  
the jerk that made your life hell at every opportunity during those early  
days!"  
  
"Well that is true but I did kinda ask for it too, I did try my best to  
make things unpleasant for you as well!"  
  
"That is also true! But still, I feel I should apologise. Some of those  
stunts were pretty low. I want you to know it was nothing personal, just  
the effects of war... and Frank Burns. He made me want to do all those  
things as well!"  
  
Margaret just laughed. He seemed different. He was the same person of  
course but it was like the edge had worn off his personality. He wasn't  
as loud, or cheeky as he had been. She had been expecting a rash of come-  
ons and one-liners to be thrown at her but instead he was polite and  
pleasant to talk to.  
  
She figured a lot of what he was in Korea was put-on, that it wasn't  
really him just this Hawkeye character. He always worked so hard to keep  
everyone's spirits up that he never left his real self, that more  
vulnerable side show through. But from time to time she had seen a little  
of it. Anytime he would talk of his mother, that time in the cave, and  
especially towards the end when he had to be taken away. That day still  
stood so clearly in her memory. Her heart broke that day, seeing the man  
she loved, her rock, reduced to a babbling mad man. Watching them dope  
him up before they took him away, not sure if she'd ever see him again!  
She was sure she had lost him forever but in true Hawkeye spirit he came  
back, though clearly he had been damaged.  
  
"But seriously, I am sorry. No one deserved the hell I gave you..., except  
Frank Burns!" he added after a small pause.  
  
Margaret snapped back to reality. "No love loss there then!"  
  
"For Frank Burns? You gotta be kidding!" he smirked.  
  
"Well as far as I'm concerned it's all water under the bridge anyway. All  
forgotten... except that time you and B.J. ran my underwear up the flag  
poll. That was a horrible thing to do!" she said without malice.  
  
"Ah yeah" he cringed, "But that was because you squealed to Colonel  
Potter on us! It was a nasty thing to do I admit, a blanket apology on  
behalf of B.J. and I!"  
  
"Wouldn't have been so bad if ye hadn't included my tiger skin undies!"  
  
Hawkeye left out a roar at this, "That's right" he sniggered "Have you  
still got those? Hey, you remember that time..." he thought twice about  
what he was going to say and instead said "ah... no!"  
  
"What?" she cried "What, what, what, what?"  
  
"No I can't!"  
  
"Oh come on you have to tell me now!"  
  
"Alright, but if the army ever found out I'd be up that certain creek you  
understand?"  
  
"Scout's honour, I won't tell a soul!" she said raising her right hand.  
  
"Well you remember Captain Tuttle?" he began.  
  
Hawkeye told Margaret the whole story about the infamous Captain Tuttle.  
  
"You mean that fine, patriotic American was just a figment of all our  
imaginations? I don't believe it. The stunts you two used to get away  
with!"  
  
All throughout lunch Hawkeye and Margaret recounted their favourite  
memories of the old 4077th. By the end they were in hysterics with tears  
streaming down their faces, especially after Hawkeye told her the story  
behind the mysterious disappearance of Henry's one hundred year old oak  
desk.  
  
"We had to cut the wall off in order to get the damn thing out!" he cried  
amid spouts of laughter. Margaret couldn't speak she was laughing so  
hard. They were beginning to attract attention from the other restaurant  
goers but neither one cared. This was the most either one of them had  
laughed in the whole year since Korea.  
  
"Hey, remember when I stole yours and B.J.'s bathrobes from the shower?"  
she said raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Oh yeah, that was not funny at all missy!"  
  
"You're right, it was hilarious!" she screamed.  
  
"Oh yeah very funny!" he said slyly. "And to think you used to call me  
the pervert and there you were organising a peep show for the whole  
nursing staff!"  
  
"Well it was a long time coming to ye!" she grinned childishly at him.  
  
"I guess I can't fight you on that" he replied finally calming down after  
all the laughing. "I gotta tell you Margaret, I haven't laughed that hard  
in a long time!"  
  
"Me neither" she agreed wiping away tears. "I guess we had better get the  
bill and leave before they throw us out!"  
  
"Good idea, lunch is on me!" With that he proceeded to the cashier to pay  
the bill. Margaret watched him as he walked away, a smile still planted  
firmly on her face. He looked good. He was wearing faded blue jeans and a  
dark blue T-shirt. She could see that he had been working out. The  
muscles on his arms were well toned and his skin had a nice healthy tan.  
He looked gorgeous. Civilian life so obviously suited him.  
  
They exited the restaurant, Hawkeye carrying her bags. Margaret was  
unsure what to do next. Should she grab a taxi and call it a day? But she  
was having so much fun, she didn't want this day to end. She still had to  
find out what he had been up to all year.  
  
"So you said you were free all day?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah" Hawkeye said in reply.  
  
"Do you want to hang around a while? I could drop these home and then we  
could I dunno go for a walk or just hang out or something?"  
  
"Sounds good!" he smiled "My car's just a little down the road here, why  
don't I drive us?"  
  
"Great" she said. She wasn't sure what she was doing but it felt right  
anyway. She had missed him so much she wanted to hang onto him as long as  
she could today.  
  
Hawkeye was silent as he drove to Margaret's. She would blurt out  
directions now and again and he would follow. Too many thoughts circled  
his mind. So far the day had been great. They were getting on so well. He  
figured shouting out 'I love you' would really spoil the moment so he  
refrained from doing so. Still he couldn't help but feel he was getting  
signals from Margaret. She would touch him on the arm when they talked,  
run her fingers through her hair. The body language all said go, go, go  
but his mind was telling him to hold back a little while. We don't want  
to scare the hell out of her! No, now that he had found her again he was  
going to be careful not to stuff things up. You had one shot with  
Margaret, hurt her once and that was it! He was just hoping he hadn't  
already used that shot up that night in the hut!  
  
"Here we are, over there on the left!"  
  
Hawkeye pulled over and switched off the engine.  
  
"You coming in?" she asked noticing he was miles away.  
  
"Oh, yeah, sure!" he said pulling himself out of another daydream.  
  
Hawkeye followed Margaret inside and over towards the elevator. When it  
opened he saw it was one of those tiny elevators that could barely take  
two people. Looking at it he suddenly began to panic. "What is it?"  
Margaret asked seeing his reluctance to follow her.  
  
"Ah, do you mind if I take the stairs?"  
  
"Hawkeye I live on the tenth floor!"  
  
"It's ok, I think I'm fit enough to make it. There's just no way I'm  
getting in that!"  
  
It suddenly dawned on Margaret what was going on, his claustrophobia!  
  
"Of course, I'm so sorry I forgot. Come on we'll take the stairs!"  
  
"No, there's no reason you have to, I'll meet you above, tenth floor  
right?"  
  
"Hawkeye don't be silly, I'll walk up with you! Don't worry, I've been  
working out too, I think I can make it!"  
  
After the long trudge upstairs they were finally standing outside  
Margaret's apartment door.  
  
"I'm so sorry about that, I just can't stand elevators at the best of  
times but when I saw the size of that thing I just thought no way!"  
  
"It's ok, I'm not claustrophobic at all but even I find that elevator  
uncomfortable! Could you imagine if it broke down while you were in it?"  
  
"Yes, being claustrophobic I have considered that possibility" he said  
with a sarcastic tone.  
  
"Right" she laughed, "Sorry, maybe we should change the subject"  
  
"Good idea!" he agreed.  
  
"Well here we are, chez Margaret Houlihan!" she declared swinging the  
door open. It was a bit stiff and needed a kick to get it open.  
  
All Hawkeye could think as he walked in after her was 'don't screw this  
up!' 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 -Rebuilding  
  
Hawkeye placed the groceries on top of the kitchen counter while Margaret  
kicked off her shoes in favour of her more comfortable house slippers.  
  
"This is nice, a nice place you got here!" he said looking around.  
  
"Stop it it's a dump. It's all I can afford right now but it's  
comfortable enough!"  
  
"Well it's certainly a lot nicer than that last place you had!"  
  
"What the tent? Yes that is true, although it's not a hell of a lot  
bigger is it?"  
  
Hawkeye smiled. It was pretty small.  
  
"My bedroom is through there, that's the spare room which is currently  
full of junk. The bathroom is there and well, you're standing in the  
rest! Can I get you anything, a drink maybe?"  
  
"Ah, just a water please!"  
  
"You sure? I've got scotch, or I've got soda too if you'd prefer?"  
  
"No, thanks, I'm good with the water!"  
  
"OK. I am going to pour myself a scotch!"  
  
Hawkeye watched as she poured herself a drink. She was so full of life,  
so happy in herself. He watched her golden hair slip off her shoulder as  
she bent down and then as she brushed it back over again with her hand as  
she rose. If only he could reach out and pull her into his arms and kiss  
those sweet lips. She smelt wonderful. He was beginning to lose his  
nerve. He hadn't been this nervous around a woman since the first time he  
sat eyes on Carlye.  
  
"So" she said relaxing onto the sofa with her glass, "What have you been  
up to with yourself? We've been talking about me all day, you've gotten  
off lightly so far!"  
  
"Well" he said as he took the chair opposite her "That's because your  
life has been a hell of a lot more interesting than mine this past year!"  
  
She smiled at him, he was as evasive as ever! "So come on, out with it!"  
  
"There's not a lot to say, I'm still in Crabapple Cove, living and  
working with my father." he just shrugged his shoulders indicating that  
he had nothing more to add.  
  
"So that's it! Enjoying the easy country life? Getting Crabapple Cove to  
say aah?"  
  
"Yeah, something like that!" he smiled back.  
  
"It sounds lovely. I'd love to do that, get out of the city into a nice  
intimate community like that. Just take each day as it comes!"  
  
"Yeah well intimate communities have their drawbacks too!" he added in a  
serious tone.  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked surprised. He had never ever said anything  
negative about his beloved home town before!  
  
"Oh, nothing, I'm just rambling on a bit. It's certainly good to be out  
of that pressure cooker in Korea. The Cove is just a whole other pace of  
life, I like it."  
  
"We sure did work our butts off out there didn't we?"  
  
"Yeah" he said, sadness creeping into his voice, "Here's to peace!" he  
said raising his glass.  
  
"To peace!" she smiled.  
  
They sat in her living room chatting the evening away. He told her of  
B.J.'s progress and of his reunion plans. She talked to him about her new  
job in a big city hospital. "It's busy, and stressful for sure but after  
Korea I can handle anything. So when are you going back to surgery?"  
  
The question threw him a bit. He wasn't sure how to answer it so he chose  
to be honest.  
  
"I'm not going back, at least not in the foreseeable future anyhow"  
  
"What?" Margaret was shocked. "But you have to go back Hawkeye! You're  
the best surgeon I've ever worked with, you can't let that talent go to  
waste!"  
  
Hawkeye was silent for a moment, composing himself before he would reply.  
He had been through all this with his father.  
  
"I just can't do it anymore Margaret! That place, it took all my..." he  
didn't finish the sentence. Instead he looked at the floor, trying to  
regain his composure.  
  
"What is it?" she said in concern.  
  
"Don't you see? I've done my bit Margaret! I worked on more bodies in  
those three years than most doctors would in a lifetime. I can't do it  
anymore. I'm tired, tired of all the pain, the misery. I just want to be  
a simple country doctor..."  
  
"I don't believe that!" she cut in. "You were born to do surgery Hawkeye.  
You are, the most dedicated doctor I know. You can't turn your back on  
your gift, I won't let you do it!"  
  
He looked at her with great pain in his eyes. She could tell it was time  
to back off. She obviously didn't know what was going on inside him. He  
had stopped smiling now, she had struck a sensitive spot.  
  
"I don't expect you to understand my reasons Margaret" he said quietly "I  
just want you to respect my wishes. As it stands, I will never cut into  
another human being again!"  
  
She could sense that he meant what he said.  
  
"It's just like you and your father. He had to accept your decision to  
leave the army. I'm only asking the same of you!"  
  
He looked at her with moist, pleading eyes.  
  
"Of course, I'm sorry for being so pushy. You do what is right for you!"  
  
"Thank you" he said as the smile slowly returned to his face.  
  
"Oh damn" she cried looking at the time. "I've got to be at work in an  
hour!"  
  
"Oh" he said disappointed.  
  
"Yeah, I'm filling in for one of the other nurses, working six to ten!  
It's only four hours!"  
  
"I guess I'd better hit the road then. Can I drive you to work?"  
  
"That would be nice!"  
  
**************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye dropped Margaret off as near as he could to the door of the  
hospital.  
  
"It's been so wonderful seeing you again" she said leaning over to kiss  
him on the cheek.  
  
"Yeah, I only wish we had more time. Hey, let's stay in touch huh? I mean  
I could come down again some weekend when you're off, and maybe you'd  
come to Crabapple Cove someday, meet my dad. Give the gossip mongers  
something to talk about!"  
  
"I'd really like that" she said as she opened the car door. "Hey, I've  
got a crazy thought" she cried. "Why don't you stay the night here? I've  
got all day tomorrow off. You could crash on the sofa. How about it?" she  
said pleadingly.  
  
Hawkeye was taken by complete surprise. "Well, I haven't brought an  
overnight bag or anything!"  
  
"This is a city Hawkeye, there's bound to be a couple of clothes shops  
around here you can buy what you need. I've even got a spare toothbrush,  
never been used. So come on, we still have so much catching up to do,  
what do you say?"  
  
"Um, ok, yeah, that would be nice. I'll give dad a call. He's probably  
already wondering where the hell I am!"  
  
"Great" she said "Here's the key, you gotta jiggle it a bit a then give  
the door a bit of a kick. Make yourself at home!"  
  
"OK, hey I'll collect you tonight around ten, right?"  
  
"Perfect, bye!"  
  
She waved him off then walked into work. What have I just done she  
thought. Am I crazy! The guy must think I'm a total nut!  
  
***************************************************************  
  
"No, I didn't exactly get around to looking at prices, I kinda got  
sidetracked you could say" Hawkeye said from the phone box outside  
Margaret's building.  
"Thing is I met up with an old friend from Korea and we got to talking  
and well, I'm gonna stay here tonight, at the old friend's place. So I'll  
see you sometime tomorrow!"  
  
"I see, well might I ask who this old friend is?"  
  
"Ah who it is, ah you want to know who the old friend is? Ok, sure, it's  
ah, Major Houlihan!"  
  
"Oh I see" Daniel said with sly tone "And you're spending the night at  
this Major Houlihan's place eh?"  
  
"Yeah"  
  
"This isn't the famous 'Hotlips' Houlihan I've heard so much about is  
it?"  
  
"Might be!" Hawkeye said cautiously.  
  
"And you're staying at her place?"  
  
"Yes, oh jees dad, it's nothing like that, God! I'm staying on the sofa!"  
  
"Ok, ok. You have a nice reunion then" he said cheekily.  
  
"Dad" Hawkeye said sternly.  
  
"I'm sorry, enjoy your weekend son. See you tomorrow!"  
  
"See you dad"  
  
Hawkeye left out a sigh when he eventually got off the phone. His father  
sure was quick to jump to conclusions. The truth was Hawkeye himself  
wasn't too sure what Margaret's intentions were. That woman confused the  
hell out of him. He was pretty sure she was sincere in that he was  
staying on the sofa. He didn't care, as long as he was near her. The fact  
that she wanted him to stay at all meant she had enjoyed the day as much  
as he had, and that she didn't want it to end either. He didn't know what  
he was going to do with himself for the next four hours. He didn't want  
to take a nap in case he overslept and missed her pick-up time. Instead  
he picked up one of her girlie magazines and read for a while.  
  
"Women sure do lead complicated lives" he thought as he leafed through  
pages of hair care, make-up tips and various other girlie things!  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Margaret worked her shift in a complete daze. She was sure it had all  
been a dream. She missed everyone from Korea so much, she had never  
allowed herself to get as close to a bunch of people before as she did to  
them. Col. Potter had been like a father to her. Truth was that although  
she adored her own father so much, she received more affection from Col.  
Potter in the short period she spent in his command than she had from a  
lifetime with her father. And then there was Hawkeye!  
  
All the feelings she for him, the feelings she was sure she had left  
behind in Korea now came flooding back. She was never really sure of what  
those feelings meant at least not until the day they all said goodbye. It  
was then it hit her, she loved him. It's true what they say, you don't  
know what you've got 'till it's gone. And when he was gone all she felt  
was empty.  
  
At first she was shocked. How could she possibly manage to fall in love  
with a man like Pierce? He was everything she detested in a man,  
egotistical, a pure lech! But when she thought about it more she realised  
he wasn't any of those things. She began to count up all the times he was  
there for her, even when she didn't want him to be. Even in the early  
days when they really 'hated' each other he would still look out for her.  
Like that time at the aid-station. He may have been involved in a lot of  
conniving, sneaky and underhanded schemes but it was always for a good  
cause.  
  
Underneath all the bravado and the jokes, he had a good heart. He was  
kind and sensitive. As it turned out he was everything she was looking  
for in a man but she could never have told him. He had made his feelings  
clear after that night in the abandoned hut, they would be friends. It  
was just as well, how could she ever trust a man with such a reputation  
for the ladies! How could she ever trust any man after what Donald had  
done to her?  
  
She had been on a few dates since she came home but resisted any chances  
of a long term relationship. Truth was as long as she kept holding a  
candle for Hawkeye it was pointless. And right now he was sitting on her  
sofa back in her apartment! What it all meant she still wasn't sure.  
Maybe it would be different now that they were out of the war, now that  
the army had been removed from the equation. Maybe they stood a chance at  
making it. It would all depend on how he felt but as always it was  
impossible to tell what was going on inside his head.  
  
"Ah nurse!" the man said loudly pointing to his arm.  
  
"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!" she said. She had been taking his blood  
pressure and got carried away with her thoughts forgetting to stop  
pumping in the mean time.  
  
That was typical of her whole shift. "You are not with it at all tonight  
are you?" one of the other nurses said to her. "I have a lot on my mind"  
she replied.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
It was a great deal cooler as Margaret walked out of the hospital at a  
quarter past ten that night. Carla, another nurse and good friend of  
Margaret's accompanied her.  
  
"So tell me more about this mystery man coming to pick you up?" she  
asked.  
  
"There's no mystery, he's just an old friend, staying for the weekend!"  
Margaret replied defensively.  
  
"Oh one of those eh? Yeah I got old friends like that too!" Carla said in  
a mocking tone.  
  
"Oh, stop it. There he is!" she waved to Hawkeye as she noticed him  
leaning against the front of the car. He smiled as he saw her approaching  
and returned the salute.  
  
"Oh my!" Carla declared "I've got old friends alright but none that look  
like that!"  
  
"Will you stop!" Margaret snapped under her breath.  
  
"Margaret, have you happened to notice how incredibly attractive that man  
is? I mean if you don't want him I sure wouldn't mind having a shot!"  
  
"You have a fiancé!" she pointed out.  
  
"Don't remind me!"  
  
"Oh really Carla!"  
  
"I'm just kidding, what has gotten into you?"  
  
"Hi" Margaret said as she approached the car. "Oh, this is Carla, we work  
together. Carla this is Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce!"  
  
Hawkeye gave Margaret a curious look. He never introduced himself in that  
way.  
  
"Wow, that's quite a mouthful!" Carla exclaimed.  
  
"Well if it gets too hard for you to remember you can just call me  
Hawkeye, that's what everyone else does!" he said as he put his hand out  
to meet hers.  
  
"Hawkeye!" she said in surprise, "Hey, is this the famous Haw..."  
  
"We'd better get going" Margaret cut in so Carla couldn't finish her  
sentence. She didn't want Hawkeye to know that she had spent the last  
four months telling the entire nursing staff all about him!  
  
"Ok sure! Carla, can we drop you somewhere?" Hawkeye offered.  
  
"Oh that's very kind. I'll take you up on that if you don't mind!"  
  
"Hop in!" he smiled holding the door open.  
  
"Thank you" she said as she watched Margaret cringe. She knew Margaret  
was afraid of what she might say to him, which made her enjoy the journey  
home all the more. She loved to rile Margaret up.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
"She seems nice" Hawkeye said as they entered Margaret's building. "Oh  
yeah, she's nice alright" Margaret said in a vexed tone. She knew very  
well what Carla was up to, and by tomorrow the whole nursing staff would  
have all the details.  
  
"Listen, you take the elevator this time, I can see you're tired. I'll  
meet you above!"  
  
"Thank you, if I wasn't so tired I'd walk up with you, you know?  
  
"I know, now go on!" he said pushing her towards the elevator.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
"Here's the pillow" she said yawning. "There are more blankets in the  
cupboard over there"  
  
"Margaret, I'll be fine. Go to bed!" he ordered.  
  
"Ok, hey did you get everything you needed?"  
  
"Yeah, I got a pair of pyjamas, a robe and a shaving kit. Needed a new  
set anyway. Now go to bed!"  
  
"Right, right. Goodnight" she said leaning in to give him a kiss.  
  
"Goodnight" he said returning the kiss on her cheek.  
  
Hawkeye settled down on the sofa, it wasn't particularly comfortable seen  
as he was over six feet long but it would do fine. He reflected back on  
what had been an extraordinary day. It still didn't feel real, the woman  
he had spent the last year pining for, the woman he thought he'd never  
again see, was actually fast asleep in the next room! It took him several  
hours to fall asleep himself. His head was too full of Margaret. In the  
room next door, he could hear the gentle rhythm of her breathing. He  
smiled to himself, I can't believe Margaret Houlihan snores!  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye was roused from sleep the following morning by gentle rapping on  
the door of the apartment.  
  
"mmm" he moaned as he began to come to. The sun was streaming in the  
window making him reluctant to open his eyes. Again the sound of knocking  
came from the door.  
  
"Dad, door!" he shouted.  
  
"Margaret! Are you there!" came the voice from the other side of the  
door.  
  
"Margaret" he whispered in confusion, "Oh yeah!" he suddenly remembered  
where he was. He sat up, "Margaret" he said, "There's someone at the  
door!" He looked around to see that her bedroom was empty. He then heard  
the sound of running water from the bathroom, she was in the shower!  
  
"Margaret?" came the voice again followed by thump, thump, thump!  
  
"Hang on, I'm coming!" he cried.  
  
Hawkeye grabbed his robe and started towards the door.  
  
"Oow!" he exclaimed as he stabbed his toe off the leg of the coffee  
table. "Margaret really needs to get a bigger place!" he thought as he  
finally reached the door. He pulled on the knob and then remembered how  
stiff the damn thing was. Tugging harder at the door he finally got it  
open to reveal a woman of medium build with shoulder length grey hair on  
the other side. She looked like she was in her mid-fifties and was  
carefully eyeing Hawkeye up and down.  
  
"Uh hello" he said.  
  
"Hello" she replied slowly, still watching him suspiciously.  
  
"You're looking for Margaret is it? She's in the shower right now, would  
you like to come in and wait?"  
  
"Yes, I would" came her sharp reply.  
  
He became aware of the way she was studying him and realised he must look  
a state, unshaven, hair tossed and still in his nightwear.  
  
"You'll have to excuse the way I look, I'm not much of a morning person!"  
he said apologetically.  
  
"It's eleven-thirty!" she said in surprise.  
  
"See what I mean!" he said grinning. She didn't return the grin, "Ah,  
please sit down, she shouldn't be long more!"  
  
The mystery guest walked towards the sofa and instead sat in the armchair  
when she noticed the blankets spread across it. Hawkeye noticed this  
also.  
  
"Oh, please, allow me to make the bed!" he said gathering up the blankets  
and pillow. He wasn't sure what to do with them so he just flung them in  
the cupboard. He then turned and smiled at the guest. She had yet to  
smile, although she seemed to relax somewhat when she realised that he  
had at least spent the night on the sofa.  
  
She looked at the strange man standing before her noticing he too was  
uncomfortable.  
  
"Who are you?" she finally said.  
  
"Oh, right, where are my manners. My name is Ben Pierce, everyone calls  
me Hawkeye. I'm an old friend of Margaret's. We served in Korea together.  
I was in Boston on business and she was very kind to put me up for the  
night."  
  
"Oh" the woman now smiled for the first time. "Yes, I've heard all about  
you!"  
  
"You have?" he said in surprise.  
  
"Yes, Margaret is always talking about you, and Colonel Potter. I  
understand ye all took good care of her out there?"  
  
"Uh yeah, well we were like a family, we all took care of each other. May  
I ask who you are?"  
  
"Why I'm Margaret's mother, Lillian!" she exclaimed.  
  
The colour drained from Hawkeye's face. Oh good God! He thought to  
himself. Here I am in her daughter's apartment, dressed in my bathrobe,  
what must she be thinking!  
  
"You're Margaret's mother, the mother of Margaret?" he stuttered.  
  
"Yes" she said laughing, he's a bit strange she thought.  
  
"Ah ha! Pleased to meet you!" he smiled as he reached out to shake her  
hand.  
  
"Like wise! Are you staying around long?"  
  
"No, no. I'm heading back today. So was Margaret expecting you?"  
  
"No, I said I'd surprise her!"  
  
"That's nice!" he replied. Oh she's going to be surprised alright he  
thought to himself.  
  
They both turned to face the bathroom door as they heard the catch being  
unlocked.  
"Come on sleepy head!" came Margaret's voice from inside the open door,  
"Time to get up!"  
  
She appeared at the door, her hair wrapped in a towel. She froze in the  
doorway as she saw who was in the living room.  
Hawkeye flashed one of his 'I'm innocent' smiles.  
  
"Ah, you have a guest Margaret! I believe you two know each other."  
  
"Mother, what are you doing here?" she said in shock. Oh dear God, how am  
I going to explain this!  
  
"I came to visit. I haven't seen you in ages. Thought it would be nice to  
spend a few days with my daughter!"  
  
"A few days" Margaret exclaimed. "Great!" she said still shocked. I  
gather you've met Hawkeye?"  
  
"Yes, he was keeping me company while I waited"  
  
"That's good" Margaret replied. Well, this is an awkward situation, she  
thought to herself.  
  
The three stared at each other for a moment until Hawkeye finally broke  
the silence.  
  
"Well I'll just hit the shower and leave you two ladies to get  
reacquainted!" he said as he gathered his clothes and hurriedly headed  
towards the bathroom. This is uncomfortable he said to himself once he  
had the door locked.  
  
Margaret stood for a moment not sure what to do next. "You should have  
called mom!" she said frowning.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't realise I needed an appointment to see my own  
daughter!"  
  
Margaret could see that she had hurt her feelings. "I don't mean it like  
that it's just I would have tidied and stuff! You know, been a little  
more prepared!"  
  
"What were you going to do hide him in the closet all day?"  
  
"It's not what it looks like mom!" Margaret said defensively.  
  
"And what does it look like?"  
  
"He's just an old friend. We met up, had lunch, talked. It got late so  
instead of driving all the way home I let him stay..., on the sofa" she  
added pointing to the sofa.  
  
"Oh Maggie, its ok! You're a big girl, you can do what you like! Now are  
you going to give your mother a hug or what?"  
  
Margaret smiled. Her mother was terrific. They had always been close  
since Margaret was the eldest and with father away most of the time they  
only had each other. Her parents were the complete opposite of each  
other. Had that been her father at the door and thank God it was not,  
Hawkeye would have probably been sporting a black eye by now. Her mother  
on the other hand knew all about Hawkeye and how much he meant to  
Margaret. They were like best friends usually seeking refuge from  
father's bad moods in each other.  
  
"So how have you been settling in? Do you like your new life?" Lillian  
inquired. She had not heard from her daughter since that Sunday evening  
she had announced her decision to leave the army and was worried about  
her.  
  
"Oh I love it, it's the best thing I could have done! I love my job and  
I've made loads of new friends!"  
  
"And old ones!" her mother said pointing in the direction of the closed  
bathroom door.  
  
Margaret laughed slightly embarrassed, "Yeah!"  
  
"Are ye going to stay in touch this time?"  
  
Margaret nodded her head, "Yeah, we are" she said with a smile planted  
across her face.  
  
"I'm happy for you!"  
  
"Come on, its not like we're getting married, we're not even going out or  
anything. We're..."  
  
"Just friends, yes I know. You emphasized that already!"  
  
"I was going to say he's like a best friend. I wouldn't be without him in  
my life!"  
  
"They say best friends make the best lovers!"  
  
"Mom stop! And don't you be saying anything to him. We only just met  
yesterday I don't want to scare him away!"  
  
"I don't have to say anything dear!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Margaret looked at her confused.  
  
"You're sending plenty of signals yourself. Prancing around in your robe  
fresh out of the shower! It's no wonder the poor boy ran straight for the  
bathroom!"  
  
"Mother, honestly! I'm going to get changed."  
  
"I'm just saying give the poor boy a fighting chance!"  
  
"Oh really!" Margaret said as she stormed away.  
  
Mrs. Houlihan chuckled at her daughter's behaviour. Meantime Hawkeye was  
finished in the bathroom and emerged looking a great deal better than he  
did when he went in. Hair combed, clean shaven. He made a handsome sight.  
  
He just smiled at Mrs. Houlihan shyly. He really felt as though he was  
intruding and part of him wanted to get the hell out of there.  
  
"Margaret's just changing" Lillian informed him.  
  
"Oh" he replied.  
  
"So what do you do these days?"  
  
"I work with my father in his practice back home. He's pushing towards  
retirement so with me there he gets a few extra days off to go fishing or  
whatever!"  
  
"That's nice. You're from Maine right?"  
  
"That's right yes, Crabapple Cove Maine!"  
  
"Sounds lovely. I was in Maine once, a long time ago. Camden I believe  
was the name of the place we stayed!"  
  
"Oh yes, that's a nice area around there!"  
  
"It was beautiful. Maine people are very different!"  
  
"Yes we are a species unto ourselves!"  
  
Margaret re-emerged from her bedroom wearing what Hawkeye thought was a  
very sexy, slinky little pink dress.  
  
"You look beautiful" he said once he'd picked his jaw up off the ground.  
  
"Thank you!" she blushed.  
  
The three found themselves looking at each other in silence yet again and  
again it was Hawkeye that spoke up.  
  
"Who's hungry? How about I cook some breakfast?"  
  
"Breakfast was over four hours ago" Lillian cut in.  
  
"OK then, brunch!" he declared. "How about ham and cheese omlets with a  
bit of onion. Trust me I make a great omlet!"  
  
Margaret looked to her mother and said "Sounds great I'm starved!"  
  
"Mrs. Houlihan?" he asked.  
  
"What the heck, I'm pretty hungry myself"  
  
"Excellent. You two stay there and chat and I'll go find my way around  
the kitchen" he smiled as he walked away.  
  
The two Houlihan women just looked at each other and smiled. As Hawkeye  
fumbled away in the kitchen Margaret asked her mother, "So have you seen  
dad lately? How is he?"  
  
"Yes, actually that's something I wanted to talk to you about. I'm going  
to serve him with divorce papers!" Lillian said this cautiously knowing  
that their separation had been very hard on Margaret.  
  
"But I thought ye were getting on well now since the separation, you know  
talking and all?"  
  
"We are!"  
  
"But then why the need to divorce? I mean it's all so final!"  
  
"That is exactly the point Margaret, it will be final. It's so we can  
both move on with our lives"  
  
"But he loves you mom, he's never going to move on from you!"  
  
"That's his problem!" she said with conviction.  
  
"I don't understand, why after all these years? I mean he's retired now,  
ye can finally start spending some time together!"  
  
"That's part of the problem. Since he retired we've discovered that we've  
just drifted apart. It was like living with a stranger. We had nothing in  
common except..."  
  
"Except the children right?"  
  
"Right. I'm sorry Margaret!"  
  
"I don't know how you can do this to him!"  
  
"Why, I thought you of all people would understand Maggie!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Don't you see, you divorced your Donald, but I stayed married to mine!"  
  
This last statement stunned Margaret. She had never though of her father  
in that way. How could she compare her father to that two-timing, lying  
toad Donald?  
  
"Ah sorry to interrupt ladies" said Hawkeye who had been out of earshot,  
"But we have a small problem!"  
  
"What is it?" Margaret asked looking up.  
  
"Well, you've got no eggs, no ham, no onions, and this cheese looks like  
it was left here by the previous tenants!"  
  
"Oh!" Margaret said in embarrassment.  
  
"I thought you bought groceries yesterday" he mocked.  
  
"Yeah, just not the edible kind" she said quietly.  
  
"I'm afraid my daughter and the kitchen were never a good combination  
Hawkeye."  
  
Hawkeye laughed, "Not to worry. I'll nip down to the store and get some  
stuff." He started rummaging through the other cupboards.  
  
"Maggie, dear Maggie, do you even own a frying pan?" he said as he came  
up empty handed each time.  
  
"Of course I do" she said moving over to kneel beside him. "Ah could you  
buy one of those too while you're out?" she whispered.  
  
Hawkeye laughed quietly and out of earshot of Lillian said "I can't  
believe you don't own a frying pan! Do you eat at all?"  
  
"Ssh shut up!" she whispered. "Please I don't want her to know! Just buy  
one while you're out, I'll fix up with you later!"  
  
"Its no problem!" he laughed.  
  
He stood up and picked his keys off the kitchen counter. "I'll be back  
soon!"  
  
"OK"  
  
"Bye Hawkeye!" Lillian smiled.  
  
Margaret walked back to sit beside her mother. She was still upset by  
what they had been talking about.  
  
"He seems like a nice boy!" her mother said.  
  
"Yeah he is, the finest kind!" Margaret smiled. 


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7 -The More I See You!  
  
Hawkeye left at around seven-thirty that evening. It was like saying  
goodbye in Korea all over again but without the passionate kiss. Neither  
wanted him to leave but at least this time they promised to stay in  
contact with Hawkeye planning to come down again soon.  
  
They had a long chat just before he left. As usual he could tell  
something was bothering her and after asking her enough times she told  
him about her parents' imminent divorce.  
  
"You know Margaret you're a big girl now. Your parents aren't responsible  
for you anymore!"  
  
"What are you getting at?" she asked irritably.  
  
"Well think of it this way. A parent spends most of their life raising  
their kids right? Face it, once you have a kid your life is no longer  
your own! Now that your mother has finished raising you and your sister,  
she has an opportunity to get some of her life back. It would be selfish  
of you to deprive her of that opportunity. Why should she be forced to  
live out the rest of her life with a man she no longer loves? Believe me  
I did exactly what you are doing now to my father years ago. I deprived  
him of the opportunity to marry again and now he's alone. If I had the  
opportunity to take that back I would in a second. I never meant for him  
to be alone but at the time I was too concerned with how it affected me  
that I didn't think that far ahead! Don't make the mistake I did!"  
  
Later that evening after Hawkeye was gone Margaret ran his thoughts back  
through her mind. Of course he was right, she was wrong to make her  
mother feel bad for wanting to divorce her father.  
  
She sat back with a cup of hot chocolate and reflected on what had been a  
very nice day despite the rocky start. Hawkeye had wanted to leave much  
earlier feeling he was interrupting the mother-daughter reunion but when  
Lillian insisted he stayed he caved and they spent a wonderful evening at  
the Boston Commons.  
  
Lillian wasn't sure what to make of this man. "He doesn't ride in  
elevators? That's a bit odd!" she said to Margaret as they waited by the  
elevator for him to come down stairs. "It's a good job you don't live  
fifty floors up, we'd be here all day!"  
  
"Yeah, well usually I give him a bit of a head start!" Margaret replied.  
  
Later in the Boston Commons while he went feeding ducks by the edge of  
the pond she commented on the fact that he was actually quite shy. "He's  
very different from the Hawkeye you wrote about!"  
  
"Oh he's the same guy alright, it's just the war, it makes people act  
differently than they normally would!"  
  
"Still, he is a bit strange isn't he? Different from most people!"  
  
"Well, he's from Maine isn't he?" Margaret joked. "No Hawkeye is  
definitely one of a kind. Just when you think you know him he goes and  
reveals yet another side!"  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Now Margaret sat by herself. Her mother had gone back to her hotel for  
the night. Overall she approved of this strange man. After spending some  
time to really get to know him she found him as charming as most people  
seem to. "Where did you get your culinary skills from Hawkeye, it's a  
rare trait in a man?" she asked.  
  
"Well with two men living alone together one of us had to play mommy!" he  
joked.  
  
"And that was you?" Margaret asked.  
  
"Oh my father is a horrendous cook! Honestly! He's the only person I've  
ever known that could manage to burn toasted cheese sandwiches! So after  
a year or so of burnt food I decided it was time to step in and put an  
end to it. My mother would have been horrified if she saw what he was  
doing in the kitchen!"  
  
"Is that so?" Lillian asked.  
  
"Well my mother was Italian you see! You know how particular they are  
about food!"  
  
"So you've been cooking since you were a kid?" Margaret inquired.  
  
"Well I was the only one home most of the time anyway. He was always  
working late."  
  
"That must have been tough!" Lillian commented.  
  
"Not really. He's the town doctor. You learn to accept that. His job  
always had to come first, peoples' lives depended on him being there!  
Besides I had plenty of friends and nosy neighbours to look out for me!"  
  
He walked off back down to the ducks after that, he had revealed a little  
more than he had planned and needed to get away.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"I think he's wonderful! You should hang on to this one" was her final  
verdict to Margaret who was by now tired of arguing the point that he was  
just a friend. "Hey mom" she said before Lillian left, "About the  
divorce, I understand. I want you to be happy and if this is what it  
takes then I'll support you all the way!"  
  
It was now raining outside. Margaret watched as each droplet slowly made  
its way down the window pane and sighed. She was missing him already. He  
seemed different but not in a bad way. He was much quieter. She was  
disappointed that he had given up surgery, he was so gifted. She couldn't  
help but notice an air of sadness about him. Even when he smiled she  
could still see the pain in his eyes. He was obviously still suffering  
the after-effects of his breakdown in Korea. "I wish I could help him"  
she sighed sadly. But Hawkeye would never let her in, he was so closed up  
emotionally. Never the less she would do her best to break him down, just  
as he had done to her.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
It was late when Hawkeye got home. Daniel was already in bed. He left a  
note on the kitchen table:  
  
Ham sandwich in the fridge if you're hungry.  
Hope you had a good weekend, don't forget  
to be up for work in the morning, Mrs. Green  
will be in for her full physical, so you'll need  
all your strength for that!  
Dad  
  
Hawkeye cringed! Mrs. Green was over eighty years of age, was hard of  
hearing and liked to pinch his backside. "She has the heart of a teenager  
and the mind of a dirty old man!" was how Daniel always put it. This year  
the pleasure would be all Hawkeye's.  
  
He ate the sandwich and then looking at the clock decided it was too late  
to call Margaret. He missed her so much already. It had been an amazing  
couple of days. He was even pleasantly surprised by her mother. He  
automatically expected any member of her family to hate him but Lillian  
was the complete opposite of her husband, she was nice! Watching the rain  
trickle down the window he decided it was time to try and go to sleep.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"Oh Nina I need coffee!" he cried as he finished examining Mrs. Green.  
  
"What's Mrs. Green been up to now? Did she sexually harass you?"  
  
Hawkeye just smiled, "I'm not going to complain to you 'cause I know I'll  
get no sympathy!"  
  
"You learn fast!" she teased.  
  
"I tell you though, we have got to find a better way of collecting urine  
samples!"  
  
"I don't think I want to know what that is about!" she said leafing  
through the files on her desk.  
  
Hawkeye sat down on a chair in the break room and rested his head on his  
hand. Nina took a seat opposite him. "You're still not sleeping too well  
are you?"  
  
"I'm fine" he said impatiently.  
  
"Ok, I know when to butt out!"  
  
"Good!" he said taking a sip of coffee.  
  
"So tell me how did your weekend go?" she asked excitedly.  
  
"I thought you just said... oh never mind." He said exasperated, "Does my  
father tell you everything?"  
  
"Of course! Come now Ben, you know your father is worse than any woman  
when it comes to gossiping!"  
  
"Yeah!" he agreed.  
  
"So?"  
  
"It was a very pleasant weekend!"  
  
"Oh honestly, you're no good. You never let a thing out do you? I don't  
know where you get that from but it certainly wasn't you're father!" she  
snapped as she walked away.  
  
Hawkeye just smiled. Nina always took a close interest in his personal  
life and he enjoyed making her work for the information. This time  
however, he thought better of it and decided to ask her for some advice.  
  
"Hey, Nina"  
  
"What?" she snapped.  
  
"I really like this girl but I don't know what to do. I don't even know  
if she feels the same. She's been hurt bad by jerks in the past including  
me. She's a lot more careful with her heart these days, what should I  
do?"  
  
"That's more like it" she sat down with a satisfied grin across her face.  
"Well if you really care for this girl then you gotta show her. Let her  
know you have no intention of breaking her heart this time. You have to  
earn her trust!"  
  
"How do I do that?"  
  
"I dunno!" she said shrugging her shoulders, "I just say this stuff I  
don't execute it!"  
  
"Thanks a lot" he said disgustedly.  
  
"Aaw, it looks like you've got the big L with this one haven't you?"  
  
"You don't miss a thing do you?"  
  
"Look Hawkeye, the only advice I can give you is to take your time,  
thread softly with this girl. If she's been hurt as bad as you say well  
she's not gonna wanna rush into anything. Have patience. Be there for  
her!"  
  
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Trouble is I don't know if I can trust  
myself, you know, not to make a move!"  
  
"Well you've waited this long for her, a little longer won't hurt!"  
  
"Thanks Nina"  
  
"Oh my, its not very often I get one of those from you! Usually I just p  
you off all the time!"  
  
"Well the day's not over yet, there's still time!" he grinned.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye took Nina's advice. He played it cool with Margaret. Made sure he  
didn't come on too strong. It had now been five weeks since they had been  
reunited. He had made his way to Boston every weekend since. His father  
would just throw his eyes to Heaven, young love he would sigh. Hawkeye  
would come home from each weekend on a high. Then by the middle of the  
week he would be depressed because he missed her and by the end of the  
week he would be all excited again because he would be seeing her soon.  
"The boy is in a daze!" Daniel would say to Nina.  
  
This weekend Margaret had wanted him to accompany her to a fund raising  
dinner for the hospital. "Its formal so wear a tuxedo" she warned.  
  
He went straight to the hospital when he arrived. She was to be dressed  
and ready to go straight after her shift. He walked in already dressed in  
his tuxedo and waited for her by the nurses' station. He was by now used  
to the stares he received from Margaret's colleagues. He knew they would  
be whispering about him, what they were saying he didn't know but he  
didn't particularly care.  
  
"Hi Carla, you look lovely tonight!" he said as he noticed her approach.  
  
"Why thank you Hawkeye. You scrub up well yourself! Now if only my man  
would get here!"  
  
"When's your big day by the way?"  
  
"Two months from next Saturday. I just know I'm going to be the one  
waiting at the alter for him, he is always late!"  
  
Margaret emerged from the nearby nurses changing rooms. She wore a deep  
red evening gown. Hawkeye could barely contain himself as he looked her  
up and down.  
  
"You look absolutely amazing!" he said.  
  
"Thank you. Shall we go!" she smiled putting her hand out to take his  
arm.  
  
"See you later ladies!" Hawkeye said to the on-duty staff.  
  
"You're getting to be very popular around here you know?" Margaret said  
to him.  
  
"Yes but there's only one girl who's opinion I care about" he said  
smiling at her.  
  
They reached the car and he opened the door for her. He then sat in  
himself and before starting the engine he reached into the back of the  
car and pulled out a small package.  
  
"There's something I wanted to give you before we go, I thought you might  
like it for tonight!" he said handing the package to her.  
  
"What is it?" she said her eyes sparkling.  
  
She ripped open the package to reveal a beautiful pearl necklace.  
  
"Oh Hawkeye this is beautiful, I can't possibly accept this it's too  
much!"  
  
"Of course you can, here let me help you" he said as he tied it around  
her neck.  
  
"Oh, it's lovely. It goes perfectly with this dress!"  
  
"Yeah well I rang Carla to find out what you were wearing. It looks good  
but there's something missing!"  
  
"What?" she said surprised.  
  
"Maybe you should try it with these!" he said handing her another smaller  
box.  
  
Inside was a set of matching earrings.  
  
"There, that's it. Now you look perfect!" he exclaimed, his white teeth  
gleaming in the dark.  
  
"Hawkeye I can't possibly, this must have cost you a fortune. You're  
going to have to take them back!" she said insistently.  
  
"Now Margaret, weren't you ever told it's rude to return gifts?"  
  
"Yes but this! You can't afford to be spending money like this on me, it  
isn't right!"  
  
"Yes I can. It's not like I've anyone else to spend my money on. I mean  
pearls aren't really my father's thing!" he joked but could see she was  
still uncomfortable. "Look Margaret, I just wanted you to have something  
nice to wear for tonight. If it makes you feel any better then let's make  
it an early birthday present. But please, if you don't accept them you'll  
hurt my feelings!"  
  
"Ok, thank you so much! I really don't have a lot of jewellery. It was  
very thoughtful of you!" she said leaning in to give him a hug.  
  
"Well I'm a thoughtful guy" he smirked.  
  
A few minutes later they were on the road to the function. Margaret was  
rummaging through her handbag, "Damn!" she said quietly. "What's the  
matter?" Hawkeye asked.  
  
"Oh, you don't by any chance have any gum do you? I didn't get to brush  
my teeth!"  
  
"Yeah, there should be a pack in the glove department" he said  
  
"Great!" she said.  
  
Margaret reached for the gum when something else caught her eye. She  
pulled out a bottle of pills and began to read the label.  
  
"What are these?" she asked.  
  
Oh damn, I forgot I put those in there!  
  
"Ah tablets!" he replied trying to sound light-hearted.  
  
"Yes I know but what are you doing with them?"  
  
"I'm a doctor, we tend to carry things like that around!" he said  
jokingly.  
  
"Yes but these are prescribed to you!"  
  
Ah caught! Can't lie your way out of this one!  
  
"How long have you been on anti-depressants?"  
  
Hawkeye remained silent.  
  
"Hawkeye, answer me?"  
  
He left out a sigh. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Well the  
cats out of the bag now Benny boy, time to fess up!  
  
"I'm not on anti-depressants as such. I haven't taken one in ages."  
  
He kept his eyes on the road the entire time.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"There was nothing to tell. It's no big deal!"  
  
"Hawkeye, being put on anti-depressants is a big deal! Why didn't you  
tell me?"  
  
He bowed his head slightly, there was no getting out of this one easily.  
  
"I'm sorry. Look, let's just try to enjoy the night ok! I promise I'll  
explain everything later, everything! There's nothing to worry about  
honestly"  
  
"Ok" She gave in knowing there was no point in spoiling the night by  
pursuing this now.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye and Margaret danced the night away. To anyone watching they  
looked like a couple that was very much in love. They had no fear of each  
other now, they danced close enough to taste each other's breath. Both  
bodies trembled at the thought of getting even closer. Hawkeye wasn't  
sure how much longer he could go on denying his feelings for her.  
  
"I have to go to the ladies!" she said as they left the dance floor.  
  
Hawkeye took a seat beside Carla. "Good night wasn't it?"  
  
"Yeah" Carla agreed "You two certainly seem to be enjoying yourselves!"  
  
Hawkeye just smiled.  
  
"Hawkeye, can I be frank with you?"  
  
Ugh, that name always sent a shiver down his spine.  
  
"Of course!" he replied.  
  
"Well it's like this. When are you going to cut the crap and tell  
Margaret that you love her?"  
  
"What?" Hawkeye said raising his eyebrows in shock.  
  
"Oh come on. Everyone in this room can see you two are in love. Everyone  
except you two that is! Just tell her! She's nuts about you too you  
know!"  
  
"Do you really think so?"  
  
"Allow me to demonstrate. Hey Jeanine!"  
  
"Yeah" said Jeanine as she crossed the floor to stand beside them.  
  
"Do you think that Margaret and Hawkeye are in love?"  
  
"Duh!" she said. "A blind man could see that. Hey when are you two gonna  
get it together?" she said in Hawkeye's direction. Hawkeye just shrugged  
his shoulders.  
  
"Thank you Jeanine that will be all" Carla said as Jeanine walked away.  
"Now do you believe me, or do I have to ask the entire nursing staff?"  
  
"No that won't be necessary!"  
  
"So what are you gonna do about it?"  
  
"I don't know, I mean Margaret has never indicated that she wants  
anything more!"  
  
"Then what are you doing wasting your time coming up here week after  
week? Think about it!" she quietened down as she saw Margaret coming  
back. "Hi Margaret, having a nice evening?"  
  
"Yes how about you?"  
  
"I would be if I could drag my man away from the bar!" Carla replied.  
"Anyway I should go and try to get him home. See you guys!"  
  
"Bye" Margaret said.  
  
Carla gave Hawkeye a warning look behind Margaret's back as she left.  
  
"I really don't know what Carla and Jack see in each other. They spend  
most of the time fighting and the rest of the time not talking to each  
other" she laughed. "Are you ok?" she said noticing he was very pensive.  
  
"Hmm, yeah, fine!"  
  
"You look like you're on another planet!"  
  
"Sorry, guess I did a bit too much dancing, I'm a little tired!"  
  
"Why don't we head away, the crowds thinning out anyway?"  
  
"Ok" he said helping her into her coat. "Did you have a nice night?" he  
asked.  
  
"I had a wonderful night!"  
  
"Yeah, we have a lot of fun together don't we?"  
  
"Yes we do!"  
  
"Margaret?" he asked.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Ah, it doesn't matter!"  
  
Wimp he said in his mind. He just had no idea how to ask her. He was also  
dreading the conversation they would have later about the bottle of  
pills. He was hoping she'd forget but that was highly unlikely with  
Margaret.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"Oh my feet ache!" Margaret sighed as she opened the door to the  
apartment.  
  
"I told you to take the elevator!" he said from behind her.  
  
Margaret made no response, instead she kicked off her shoes and headed  
for the refrigerator. "What something to eat?" she shouted as Hawkeye had  
gone into the bathroom. "No I'm fine!" came the reply.  
  
When Hawkeye re-emerged, Margaret was lying on the sofa with a glass of  
water.  
  
"I just know I'm going to have a huge hangover tomorrow!"  
  
Hawkeye sat at her feet and began to massage her toes.  
  
"Well you're in luck, there happens to be a doctor in the house to take  
care of you!"  
  
"You're too good to me!" she said sleepily.  
  
Hawkeye was trying to decipher what she meant. Carla's words had been  
ringing around his head all the way home. He decided now wasn't the right  
time, he would wait until she was sober.  
  
"So are you going to tell me about those pills?"  
  
Damn she remembered.  
  
"You're too tired now, I'll tell you tomorrow!"  
  
"No I'm not!" she said sitting up, "Tell me now. I know what you're  
trying to do, I won't let you put it off any further"  
  
Hawkeye sighed as he walked over to take the armchair opposite her.  
  
"Alright fine!" he said sternly.  
  
"Truth is Margaret, I haven't been doing too well since I came home.  
Those first few months were, well, awful! My friends didn't seem to know  
who I was anymore. They stopped hanging around with me, life got pretty  
low. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I kept blowing up at my father  
for no reason! About all I could do was drink! I was heading for another  
break-down!"  
  
Margaret kept her eyes on him the whole time. He never once looked at  
her, she could tell he really didn't want to talk about it.  
  
"In the end basically I had all these people telling me to get help,  
telling me I was screwed up! Eventually it hit home and I gave Sidney a  
call!"  
  
He finally looked up. His eyes had become moist but he was holding back  
the tears.  
  
"And I've been seeing Sidney ever since, just once a month now. He really  
helped get me back on track. He put me on those tablets but honestly I  
haven't had to take one in months. I've been looking after myself now,  
I'm training, getting myself healthy, and then, I found you again!" he  
paused after this. Margaret could feel her eyes watering but she held  
back.  
  
"And you're doing much better now?" she asked.  
  
"Since you came back into my life I've just, I've been so happy! I'm  
laughing again! I'm enjoying life! You have no idea what that means to  
me. I never thought I could be so happy again! I still have trouble  
sleeping at night but everyday I can feel myself getting better and it's  
all thanks to you!"  
  
Margaret moved over beside him and put her arms around his neck.  
  
"Why didn't you tell me? You know you don't have to keep things from me,  
I was there, I know what you went through!"  
  
"I know, I'm sorry, I should have told you!"  
  
"Please talk to me Hawkeye! I'd like to think we could tell each other  
anything. I mean I'm always laying my problems on you there's no reason  
why you should feel as though you can't do the same with me!"  
  
"I know, and I promise the next problem I have I'll come to you first!"  
  
"Hey, I've a little surprise for you. Come here!" she said dragging him  
over towards the spare room.  
  
"See, I've cleared out all the junk so you have a proper bed to stay in  
now! Can't have you sleeping on the sofa forever!"  
  
Hawkeye smiled, "This is great" he said walking inside.  
  
"I guess we should call it a night, I'm wrecked!" Margaret said.  
  
"Ok, I'll see you in the morning!"  
  
"Goodnight" she yawned leaning in to give him another hug.  
  
Hawkeye spent the night tossing and turning, all he could think about was  
having her warm body there beside him. He knew he would have to tell her  
soon before it drove him out of his mind. 


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8 -I'm Confessin' that I Love You  
  
Once again Hawkeye left casually without saying a word. Margaret kept  
sending him mixed signals. One minute she would be laying in his arms on  
the sofa the next she would be saying things like 'you're my best friend'  
or 'I don't know what I'd do without a friend like you'. That damn word  
friend! Karen had used the same excuse to get out of dating him! What  
Carla said really stuck in his mind, she was absolutely right! What was  
he doing dragging himself up there week after week if he was never going  
to tell her?  
  
"Boy, you look depressed!" came Nina's voice knocking him back into  
reality. Hawkeye only barely managed a smile up at her. He said nothing,  
only stared into his coffee cup. Nina sat down opposite him.  
  
"I take it there's still no action on the love front then!" she said  
leaning her head in over the table.  
  
"Zilch!" he replied with a sigh.  
  
"You know when I told you to take your time, thread softly, let the girl  
know you care for her?"  
  
"Yeah?" he said without lifting his head.  
  
"Well boy if that girl doesn't know how much you care for her by now, she  
needs a clubbing over the head. And I might just do that!" Nina said with  
conviction.  
  
"You think I should tell her?"  
  
"Hell yeah! I mean look at you! You're absolutely miserable! If that  
ain't love then what is?"  
  
Hawkeye looked at her in bemused confusion.  
  
"I mean it! You have got to bite the bullet and tell her! You keep going  
the way you are and it is going to tare you apart! And besides lookin' at  
you moping around the place all week is beginning to depress me too!"  
  
"Trouble is Nina, I think I've drifted from being a potential lover, into  
the best-friend category in her eyes!"  
  
"Well there is only one way to find out!" she stated, punching the table  
lightly with her clenched fist.  
  
Hawkeye straightened his back, he looked at Nina with a new conviction in  
his eyes.  
  
"You know what? You are absolutely right!"  
  
"I'm always right!"  
  
"I have to tell her!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
"I have to tell her right now!" he said getting up off the chair.  
  
"What?" Nina shouted in shock as she watched him throw off his white coat  
and pick up his car keys.  
  
"I'm going to Boston!"  
  
"What about your patients?" she yelled.  
  
"Drag my dad away from his fishing, he never catches anything anyway!"  
  
"Hey wait one minute buster..."  
  
He was gone.  
  
"I hope she's worth it!" Nina said under her breath.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye drove like a man possessed, so possessed he'd forgotten to check  
if he had enough gas in the car.  
  
"Damn it!" he shouted on a deserted highway about ten miles from the  
Massachusetts border.  
  
"Crap, crap, crappity crap!" he screamed as he stomped up and down on the  
road and finished things off by kicking the back wheel of the car.  
  
"Ok, I can walk on, or I can walk back" he thought trying to recollect  
when he last passed a gas station. "Back would mean about four miles, on  
could mean any number of miles! Back we go!" he decided walking away from  
the car with his jerrycan.  
  
In all it took him nearly two hours to get back to the car. He had  
eventually managed to hitch a ride both ways and was now back on the road  
and approaching the outskirts of Boston.  
  
What am I going to say? She's going to think I'm nuts! he thought as he  
pulled up outside her building. For a while he just sat there in the car  
staring into space. He was beginning to lose his nerve, he knew as soon  
as he saw her, his emotions would take over and he would lose all sense  
of logic. I have to do this, come on Casanova! Whatever happened to that  
smooth talking charmer renowned around the 4077th?  
  
He finally picked up the courage to get out of his car and walk across  
the road into her building.  
  
I have to see her right now, this calls for the elevator! he thought  
pressing the call button for the elevator. Once the doors opened he took  
a deep breath and stepped inside.  
  
He immediately jumped back out of it.  
  
"Have I completely lost my mind?" he said as he walked towards the  
stairs. This girl sure had a strange effect on him.  
  
"Margaret?" he called from outside the door as he was banging. There was  
no answer. Hawkeye laughed to himself, she wasn't there. "Oh this is  
going better than I imagined!" he said sarcastically. Never mind, it gave  
him a chance to regain control of his senses, and his mind! He sat on the  
floor outside her door and waited, and waited. He didn't know what else  
to do.  
  
An hour and a half passed and there was no sign of her. Maybe she got  
called into work! In which case she could be there all night! He knew she  
was supposed to have the day off but in that line of work extra staff was  
always in need and you never knew when you could be called in. He got to  
his feet, the muscles had all tightened up.  
  
"Maybe I should check at the hospital" he decided as he began to walk  
away.  
  
"Hawkeye?" came a voice from behind him, "Is that you?"  
  
Hawkeye turned to see the confused face of Margaret looking back at him.  
She had obviously just gotten off the elevator. "Hi" he smiled.  
  
"What are you doing here? Did you forget something?" she said struggling  
to open the door.  
  
"Ah yeah, something like that!"  
  
"Well come in, have you been waiting long?"  
  
"No, I just got here!" he lied.  
  
Margaret walked over to the kitchen counter to drop the bag of groceries  
she was carrying. Hawkeye closed the door behind him and slowly made his  
way deeper into the apartment.  
  
"So what is it?" she asked.  
  
"Am, well, ugh!" he stuttered, "I wanted to talk to you, about  
something!"  
  
"What's the matter, is there something wrong?" she said with concern in  
her voice. She knew something must be really troubling him to bring him  
all the way here.  
  
"No, no. Well actually, yeah there is! Come here, sit down!" he said  
motioning towards the nearest chair. He felt he was ready, it was now or  
never.  
  
"Ok" Margaret said sitting in the armchair by the window. "What is it?"  
  
Hawkeye sat on the sofa and took a deep breath before he began.  
  
"What are we doing? You and me! Why do we keep doing this week after  
week?"  
  
"I don't understand, I though you liked coming here?"  
  
"I do, I do. But have you ever asked yourself why?"  
  
"Because we enjoy each others company? Because we have fun together.  
Because we're friends!"  
  
"Yes, yes we are. I mean we get on great together don't we?"  
  
"Where is this going Hawkeye?" Margaret could feel her stomach  
tightening. He was in a very strange mood and it made her nervous.  
  
"Well it's like this. I keep coming back here week after week for one  
simple reason, it's because, because I'm in love with you Margaret!"  
There he'd said it. "I have been for a long time, even while we were in  
Korea and I was going to tell you but then I went crazy and... aren't you  
going to say anything?"  
  
Margaret had stayed silent once he uttered those three tiny yet highly  
significant words. She had waited so long to hear them from him but now  
that she had she didn't know what to say. The silence began to worry  
Hawkeye. Finally she spoke.  
  
"You really love me?"  
  
"With all my heart! Look I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but  
that's behind us now right?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"And I know I don't have twenty percent of your father in me, I don't  
have ten percent of Scully, and thankfully I don't have any Frank Burns  
or Donald Jerk in me! I'm just one hundred percent me Margaret! But I  
promise to love you one hundred percent, one hundred percent of the time!  
I just know I couldn't go on any longer with the way things were it was  
killing me. I had to tell you. So what do you say? Will you be my girl?"  
  
Margaret stared out the window, anywhere would do as long as it wasn't  
his eyes. "I don't know what to say, this is all so sudden!"  
  
"You need time of course, I'll go and you think about it." He was  
somewhat deflated by her response.  
  
"Oh Hawkeye, you know I care for you so much and I think I love you to  
but..."  
  
"But what?"  
  
"How do I know I can trust you? How do I know you're not going to hurt me  
too?"  
  
"If you have to ask yourself that Margaret, then maybe I have made a  
mistake. I would have thought that by now you would know that you can  
trust me! I'm nothing like those other guys, you know that! I would never  
hurt you!" Hawkeye had been hurt by the accusation.  
  
"But how do you know that for sure? How do you know that one year from  
now you'll still feel the same?"  
  
"Because I've felt this way for over three years now, and instead of  
fading these feelings I have for you just grow stronger! Margaret why are  
you so afraid to trust me?" He was now kneeling in front of her, holding  
her hands in his.  
  
Margaret stayed silent. Hawkeye was crushed, she obviously didn't feel as  
strongly for him.  
  
He gently let go of her hands. "I should go!" he said as he stood up, the  
pain telling in his voice.  
  
"Will I see you next weekend?" she asked.  
  
"No, no I don't think I'm going to be coming here anymore!"  
  
"But why, we can't throw away everything we have!"  
  
"Oh what do we have Margaret? What am I to you?" He was angry now. "What  
am I some kinda lackey? I go to your functions and your friends' dinner  
parties or whatever. You just whistle and I come running well I can't do  
that anymore! I won't let myself be used. What happens when some guy you  
like comes along? Will it be so long Hawkeye, thanks for the memories? Do  
you think I feel at all? Do you not think that right now I'm falling to  
pieces here?"  
  
"No, it's not like that!" she cried.  
  
"Well whatever it is, it's over! No more, I can't do it! I can't play  
these games it hurts too much!"  
  
Hawkeye picked up his coat and headed for the door.  
  
"Hawkeye wait!" Margaret cried.  
  
He turned to look at her, a calmness had come him.  
  
"Listen Margaret, I want you to know that if you ever get over this fear  
you have, if you ever feel it would be worth giving me a shot, then I'll  
be waiting for you! No matter how long, if it's a year or twenty years or  
forty! Whatever, I'll be there. Just look for me in Crabapple Cove, I  
have no where else to go. Because you're it for me! Any other woman would  
be second best and I won't accept that. My love for you is real. I want  
you to know that."  
  
He moved away from her and had his hand on the door when he paused once  
more.  
  
"I'm sorry if I hurt you I never meant for that! The ball is now in your  
court Margaret, I won't bother you anymore. And if you never come looking  
for me so be it! I'll die a victim of unrequited love."  
  
With that he walked away, gently closing the door behind him.  
  
"Hawkeye!" He heard coming from the other side but he kept walking.  
  
"I love you!" Margaret whispered as she collapsed against the door and  
sat on the floor, tears streaming from both eyes.  
  
Hawkeye began to wipe away the tears that now fell from his eyes as he  
made his way back to the car. He was so sure she felt the same, they had  
been getting on so well together. It didn't seem fair, why did all the  
women in his life insist on leaving him in the end. He would never love  
anyone else, of that he was sure. "She was it!" he sighed as he sat in  
the car. "What do I do now?" 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9 -I'm Confessin' that I love You: Part Two  
  
"Well how do you think he is, he's in bits!" Daniel said across the table  
to Nina. "I've been walking around on tippy-toes all week for fear of  
setting him off!"  
  
"Oh damn, it's my fault, I convinced him to do it!"  
  
"No, no. He would have done it himself eventually anyway, you just helped  
hurry it on!"  
  
"Is he going to be ok?"  
  
"I hope so. He's made so much progress this past year, this really was  
the last thing he needed. He'd have been better off had he never met up  
with her again! I just hope he doesn't hit the bottle!"  
  
"I haven't seen him this bad over a woman since that Carlye one dumped  
him!" Nina said.  
  
"That was bad alright. But I have a feeling this one is going to be  
worse."  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
"Well he was convinced that she was 'the one'"  
  
"He thought Carlye was the one too. The problem with that boy is when he  
falls in love at all he really falls! He loses all sense of reality!"  
  
Nina and Daniel both took a sip of tea.  
  
"Yeuch, honestly, I don't know how you drink this herbal stuff, it's like  
drinking grass or something!"  
  
"And how would you know what that's like? You've been drinking way too  
much coffee lately anyway, this is better for you. So drink it and shut  
up!"  
  
"Yes doctor!" Daniel said in his sarcastic tone.  
  
"Don't you use that tone with me! What I don't understand is what went  
wrong. I mean according to Hawkeye they were getting on really well. You  
ask me that girl didn't know how lucky she was. She could do a lot worse  
than Hawkeye, a lot worse!"  
  
"Yeah!" Daniel agreed.  
  
"Excuse me!" came a voice from the other side of the reception desk.  
  
"Oh what is it? Can't you see we're busy?" Nina snapped.  
  
"Sorry I didn't mean to interrupt!"  
  
"Nina! Do we have to have another talk about your customer relations  
skills?" Daniel said timidly.  
  
Nina shot Daniel a killer look, then got up and walked casually over to  
the desk.  
  
"I'm sorry, how may I help you?" she said in the fakest sounding pleasant  
tone she could.  
  
"Could I possibly see the doctor!"  
  
"Of course you may. Just fill out this form and the doctor will be with  
you soon!" she smiled as the man took his seat. "How was that?" she  
snapped back at Daniel who just threw his eyes to Heaven.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Meanwhile, Hawkeye sat at home in the kitchen opposite a bottle of vodka,  
listening to the many voices that whizzed through his mind. 'Go ahead,  
have a glass, what does it matter now!' was the strongest thought in his  
head at that moment. It had been two days and Margaret hadn't called. Not  
so much as a call to see if he was alright!  
  
He kept trying to figure out where he had got it so wrong. Maybe it was  
the pills? She didn't want to take up with a pill-popper! But he had told  
her he wasn't taking them anymore, he had explained everything. She acted  
like she understood! Had it all been an act? Was she using him until  
someone better came along? No, that didn't sound like Margaret at all.  
She wasn't like that! Maybe she just didn't love him! Maybe it was as  
simple as that.  
  
In the end he grabbed the bottle of vodka, walked out the back porch and  
smashed it off the wall. "I'm not going to give in to you!" he shouted at  
the broken shards of glass. He then stormed off in the direction of the  
cliffs, he had to get out of the house.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Back in Boston, Margaret was getting an earful from Carla.  
  
"You what? and you just left him walk away? Are you completely insane?  
The best thing that has ever happened to you and you let it walk away!"  
  
"You don't have to yell at me believe me I've been doing enough of that  
myself!" Margaret replied as she downed another scotch.  
  
"And he said he'd wait for you?"  
  
"No matter how long he said!"  
  
"And that you were 'it' for him, and that his love would never die?"  
  
"Yep!"  
  
"But you do love him don't you?"  
  
"More than anything!" she cried.  
  
"Margaret, help me out here. It may just be the bourbon but I think I've  
lost the plot a bit. The man you love right?"  
  
"Right!"  
  
"Declared his undying love for you right?"  
  
"Right!"  
  
"And you basically told him to go and stuff it?"  
  
"Well when you say it like that you make me sound cruel!" said Margaret,  
who was slightly tipsy by now.  
  
"Well it was! What were you thinking? Were you drunk? Were you under the  
influence of some kinda mind distorting drug?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Well then why? It just doesn't make sense!"  
  
"I don't know why!" she cried, "I just got scared!"  
  
"Of what of Hawkeye? You're kidding me right? How could you be scared of  
that sweet, wonderful man who cares for you so much that he has willingly  
committed himself to a life of celibacy in the off chance you decide to  
change your mind and go after him!"  
  
"Stop it, you're making me sound like a crazy woman!"  
  
"Well you are if you let this man get away!"  
  
"I would be wouldn't I? I mean he's my world! I'll never love anyone the  
way I love him!"  
  
"Ugh, now you're just getting soppy!" Carla said tossing her eyes.  
  
"I've stuffed up big time haven't I? I don't know what came over me. I  
just couldn't say anything. He thinks I was just using him all this time.  
Oh Carla, what am I going to do? Face into a life of spinster-dom!" she  
slurred.  
  
"There's only one thing to do, you have to go after him!"  
  
"Wha?" Margaret exclaimed.  
  
"You have to go to Crabapple Cave or whatever and find him and tell him!  
Say 'Sorry about the other day but I kinda lost control of my mind but  
well now I've got it back and would really like to have your children!',  
or words to that effect!"  
  
"Yeah, ok, I can do that!" Margaret nodded.  
  
"Right then let's go!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Come on, right now!"  
  
"No, I can't go right now!"  
  
"What? Why?"  
  
"First I have to go throw up!" Margaret said as she ran for the bathroom.  
  
"Ok, we'll leave it 'till tomorrow then! All we need is for you to get  
there and then throw up at his feet! That would not make for a gracious  
apology!"  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye was sitting on the sand watching the roll of the tide. It was a  
cold day in Crabapple Cove and he sat with his arms tightly wound around  
his torso. Nina came up from behind and sat next to him.  
  
"You on a break?" he said without looking.  
  
"Yeah, I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to know how you were!"  
  
"Interesting thing the tide isn't it?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Well think about it, hundreds of waves roll in day after day and not one  
of them the same as the last!"  
  
"Fascinating!" she said in her stern sarcastic voice "But I did not come  
here to talk waves!"  
  
"Fine then" he said childishly.  
  
"I'm sorry about what happened with Margaret!" she said sincerely.  
  
"So am I!" he retorted.  
  
"At least now you know though!" She said knowing it was a stupid comment  
to make.  
  
Hawkeye laughed, "Oh yeah, things are certainly much better now that I  
know!"  
  
"And you can finally move on!" she added.  
  
"Humph, there is no moving on Nina. No matter what I'll never shake her.  
She will always be a part of me and even if I wanted to I could never  
kill the love I have for her, never!"  
  
"If you never kill the love then you'll also never kill the pain."  
  
"So be it! I'm well used to living with pain. But like you said, at least  
now I know where I stand! I'll see you later!"  
  
With that he got up, dusted the sand off his jeans and headed back  
towards the house.  
  
"Ain't no girl worth that!" Nina said shaking her head as she rose and  
made her way back to the office.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Margaret got the taxi to drop her right outside the house. She double-  
checked the address with the one Hawkeye had scribbled down for her, then  
paid the driver and dragged her suitcase up the drive towards the front  
door. It had been a lot harder to get there than she had imagined.  
Unsurprisingly, few people had ever heard of Crabapple Cove and it took  
some time to find a taxi driver that knew the way.  
  
Her palms became sticky the closer she got to the door, she was afraid he  
would just slam it shut on her face. She wouldn't blame him if he did,  
she had been unforgivably cruel to him. She just hoped he would at least  
hear her out, before shutting the door on her!  
  
Hawkeye sure wasn't kidding when he said how beautiful the place was.  
Although it was a bitterly cold day she still found the sea a mesmerising  
sight. She could already see herself living here, here with Hawkeye!  
  
This is it! She said as she knocked on the door, bracing herself for what  
might happen, but nothing happened, no one came.  
  
"Not home. Damn it!" she exclaimed. "Of course!" she said hitting her  
head, "He's at work!"  
  
She decided not to wait and headed straight to his workplace. She left  
her suitcase by the door and walked back in the direction of town. She  
hadn't the foggiest notion of where she was going but someone was bound  
to point her in the right direction, after all, everyone here surely knew  
the Pierces.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Nina walked casually back into the office, it was a slow day, so she took  
an extended break. Daniel was out on a house call and he need never know.  
As she walked in, she noticed a young blonde woman calling over the  
reception desk.  
  
"Can I help you?" she asked, immediately noticing that this woman was an  
out-of-towner.  
  
"Oh, yes I hope so!" the woman said as she turned around to face Nina.  
"I'm looking for a doctor Pierce, can you help me?"  
  
"You're in luck, we happen to have two of them! Would you be interested  
in the younger or the older model?" Nina said in her usual sarcastic way.  
  
"Oh" Margaret laughed, "I'm looking for the younger one, ah Benjamin  
Franklin!"  
  
Nina raised an eyebrow at the young woman "No one round here ever calls  
him that!" she declared, "But you're out of luck, today's his day off!"  
  
"Oh" Margaret said disappointed, "Well can you tell me where he might  
be?"  
  
"Not around here anyway that's for sure!" Nina was enjoying toying with  
this woman. Suddenly a thought occurred to her, blonde, beautiful, from  
out of town, looking for Hawkeye! "You wouldn't be Margaret would you?"  
she said slowly.  
  
"Oh yes, yes I am!"  
  
From the look on Nina's face Margaret could tell she was not happy to see  
her.  
  
"Come back here a sec, you and me need a talk!"  
  
"I really need to see Hawkeye!" Margaret said as she backed away towards  
the door.  
  
"Well you'll need my help to find him, so humour me, have a cup of tea  
with me first!"  
  
"Alright" Margaret said following Nina behind the desk. Nina motioned her  
towards a chair in the break-room.  
  
"Ok I'll get straight to the point!" Nina shot at her, "Just what are you  
trying to do to that boy?"  
  
Margaret was stunned by the accusation, "Excuse me!" she said.  
  
"Because I tell you he does not deserve to be treated that way. I have  
known Hawkeye Pierce since he was a teenager and though he gets on my  
nerves from time to time I can promise you, you will not meet a better  
man this side of the equator!"  
  
"I..." Margaret started only to be cut off.  
  
"I have worked alongside his father for over fifteen years, that boy is  
like a son to me, I altered his pants when he just kept growing out of  
them, I helped him pick out a suit for the prom, I know that boy inside  
out! He's a good boy, sincere, loving. He could never hurt you because I  
don't believe he even knows how!"  
  
"Yes I..." Again she was cut off.  
  
"And if that's not the kind of man you want then you need your head  
examined lady! There are women in this town who could only ever dream of  
having that man's love and I tell you this, they would fight you for  
him!"  
  
"Can I..."  
  
"So unless you're here to tell him that you love him, I'd advise you to  
push off because I don't want to see him hurt anymore than he already has  
been!"  
  
"May I say something!" Margaret said as patiently as she could.  
  
"Of course, why didn't you just speak up?"  
  
Margaret rolled her eyes.  
  
"I am here to tell him that I love him, and that I made a stupid mistake,  
and that I'm sorry, and that I want no one but him, but I can't very well  
tell him if I'm stuck here talking to you! Now where is he?" Margaret  
declared raising her voice to show she meant business.  
  
"You are? Well that's different? Ok, I met him a short while ago down at  
the beach and when I left he was walking back towards his house!"  
  
"He's not there. I already tried, there was no answer!"  
  
"Oh! Hmm. Hang on today's Thursday right?"  
  
Margaret nodded.  
  
"Well any Thursday that he is off he usually goes fishing, don't ask me  
why he's just funny that way. But that's probably where he'll be. You'll  
have to walk right down to the bottom of Main St., then off to your right  
there's a walkway that will lead you along the beach. Follow that for  
about a half mile and you should see a sort of wooden deck in the  
distance, that's where he'll be!"  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Didn't I just say that's where he'll be?" Nina said impatiently.  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"Then that is where he will be! Now go on, get going!"  
  
"Right!" Margaret said as she made her way swiftly to the door, "Thank  
you!"  
  
"Sure thing" Nina said. "Humph, second guess me!" she muttered as she  
gathered up a bunch of files, "I know that boy inside out I tell ya!"  
  
****************************************************************  
  
Margaret started to quicken her pace as she approached the end of the  
street. She could feel her heart thumping. She never felt this nervous  
before in her life. "There it is!" she said as she veered off to the  
right to follow the path that Nina had told her about. She started  
running now, she could feel that she was getting closer. "I should have  
worn something warmer!" she thought as the biting ocean breeze caused  
tears to run down her face.  
  
"Can't be much farther!"  
  
She stopped suddenly! She saw him! Off in the distance, fishing rod in  
hand and facing out to sea. He was wearing a woollen hat and a warm coat  
and seemed oblivious to the world around him.  
  
A solitary figure shadowed by the brilliant light from the horizon in  
front of him. Hawkeye came here for one sole purpose, to be alone. Harry  
the dog sat quietly by his side. Having overcome their initial  
differences, both had since become good friends and Harry rarely left  
Hawkeye out of his sight now.  
  
Margaret was out of breath by the time she reached them. She clasped her  
knees with her hands as she tried to catch her breath. Harry's ears had  
picked up as he heard her coming. He stood up and turned around,  
cautiously watching the figure approaching them.  
  
"Woof!" he left out a single warning growl.  
  
"What is it boy?" Hawkeye said turning his head to investigate.  
  
Hawkeye felt as though his feet had been nailed to the ground, he  
couldn't move.  
  
"Margaret?" he whispered.  
  
Margaret was still trying to catch her breath. "Hi!" she said shyly.  
Harry was by now circling Margaret trying to get a good sniff at the  
stranger.  
  
"Agh, what's that?" she yelled in fright as she noticed the brown and  
white fur-ball at her feet.  
  
"Harry stop that!" Hawkeye ordered and the dog dutifully obeyed. "That's  
Harry, my half-brother!" Hawkeye said.  
  
"What?" Margaret said not understanding.  
  
"Doesn't matter, wha... what are you doing here?"  
  
"Hmm? Oh, um, well..." Oh God I'm making such an ass of myself! Margaret  
thought as she tried to think back on the speech she had been rehearsing  
all the way to Crabapple Cove. In the end she just stared into his eyes,  
she could see pain and confusion in them, but most of all she could see  
love.  
  
"You said you'd wait didn't you?" she said smiling shyly, watching for  
his reaction.  
  
Hawkeye's eyes lit up but he proceeded with caution. He didn't want to  
make a fool of himself again.  
  
"Yes but to be honest I didn't expect you this soon! What's going on here  
Margaret?"  
  
"I am so sorry!" she blurted out. "I never meant to hurt you!"  
  
"Yeah well, thems the blows! My fault for misreading the signals!" he  
said without emotion.  
  
"But you didn't misread anything! I, I love you too!"  
  
"You do?"  
  
"Yes, with all my heart! Have done since Korea. I don't know exactly when  
it happened but you somehow sort of grew on me out there! And the more I  
got to know you the stronger I began to feel"  
  
"I don't understand!" Hawkeye said shaking his head "The other day you  
blew me over and out! What changed?"  
  
"Forget the other day, I was not thinking straight, I..."  
  
"It's a little hard to forget, you did smash all my dreams into a million  
pieces!"  
  
"I was crazy, I was, I don't know what I was, you just took me by  
complete surprise. It all seemed too good to be true! I didn't know what  
to say, I guess I just got scared. I kept thinking, what if I give myself  
to you and you go and do what all the other men in my life have done! I  
couldn't take that pain again Hawkeye, especially not from you cause  
well, you're 'it' for me too! I don't ever want to lose you!"  
  
Hawkeye allowed the smile that had been gathering to finally break across  
his face.  
  
"So does this mean that you've reconsidered my offer?"  
  
"If you'll give me a second chance?"  
  
"What do you think?" he said as he moved closer to her. "You don't have  
to be afraid of anything with me Margaret, I'm yours now and I'm never  
going to leave you!" He put his hand up to graze her cheek. "I've been  
hurt in the past too you know? But that's not going to stop me from  
having another go. This time I know it will last!"  
  
"How are you so sure?"  
  
He moved his hands to her shoulders and stared intensely into her eyes,  
"Because if you could stick three years of working along side me in that  
pressure cooker then I know you could stick a life time! You're the only  
woman who ever knew how to handle me Margaret! I've got no secrets with  
you, you already know exactly who I am! You've seen me at my worst and  
somehow you still manage to love me. If this can't last then nothing can!  
I've never in my life felt this close to anyone! Do you believe me now?"  
  
"Yes, I feel so close to you too, but I'd like to get a lot closer!"  
  
Hawkeye gathered her up in his arms. He embraced her with all his might,  
he wanted her to feel so secure in his arms right there and then that she  
would never want to leave them. "I'm so happy you came!" he whispered in  
her ear as tears began to trickle down his face. But these were different  
tears, there was no sadness, no bitterness in these tears, just pure,  
intense joy! "You saved me Margaret!"  
  
Margaret had longed to be held like this. All the men she had ever loved  
had never held her this way. She could feel the love trembling through  
his body, she felt safe, she felt loved! "I should have never let you  
walk away in the first place! I feel so foolish for being so afraid!"  
  
"We were both foolish, for wasting all this time when we could have been  
together. Margaret, you'll probably hear this a lot from now on, you  
confuse the hell out of me, but I love you!"  
  
"Well Hawkeye, you may drive me up the walls from time to time, but I  
love you too!"  
  
"Does this mean I can kiss you now?" he said placing his hand on her  
cheek.  
  
"Oh yeah!"  
  
Hawkeye smiled before leaning in to meet her lips. First contact was with  
her nose, then he moved down to her lips and ever so gently they kissed  
for the first time since Korea. As the kiss grew deeper he began to move  
his hands up and down her back until they came to rest on her hips. She  
had moved her hand up to cup the back of his neck and pull him in closer.  
Her other hand moved gently across his shoulder blades. They stayed that  
way for some time, it felt too good to let it end. Eventually Hawkeye  
broke his lips away just far enough to speak. He was now gently rubbing  
her back, "We ought to get you warmed up!" he said "Let's go back to the  
house and I'll get a great big fire started!"  
  
"Ok!" she smiled back at him.  
  
He wrapped his coat around her shoulders and together they made their way  
back along the sandy walkway. "What about your fishing gear?" she asked  
looking back.  
  
"Ah, I'll get it later!"  
  
"What if someone takes it?"  
  
"You got a lot to learn about Crabapple Cove! Come on Harry!"  
  
Harry immediately responded and ran on ahead of them as they walked.  
  
"Dad got Harry as a kind of substitute-son for when I was away!"  
  
"He replaced you with a dog? Not very flattering is it?"  
  
"No I guess not!" he laughed.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
"Hey Nina, anything strange or exciting while I was out?" Daniel called  
as he came in the door.  
  
"Ha!" Nina let out a sarcastic laugh. "Well we had a visitor!"  
  
"This isn't one of those times where I have to keep guessing who it was,  
is it?"  
  
"No, this is too big to keep to myself any longer! I have been dying to  
tell someone and wouldn't you know it, this would be the one day nobody  
needed a doctor..."  
  
"Nina who is it already?" Daniel was not a short tempered man by any  
means but Nina really knew how to push the wrong buttons!  
  
"Oh alright then! Hawkeye's fame fatale showed up here about an hour ago  
looking for him!" she said with satisfaction.  
  
"You're kidding!"  
  
"Would I kid you?"  
  
"What did you say, what did she want?"  
  
"Turns out she loves him after all and came here to patch things up!"  
  
"She does? She did? That's great!"  
  
"I thought so too so I sent her off to find him. Haven't seen either of  
them since!" she said raising an eyebrow.  
  
"This is wonderful, I gotta get home, I gotta see what's happened!"  
Daniel said as he turned to head for the door.  
  
"Hold it mister!" Nina boomed. "Just where do you think you're going?  
Would you not give them some space?"  
  
"Oh, I suppose you're right! I'll give them time to sort things out.  
Isn't this great? My little boy has got himself a woman!"  
  
"Joy to the world!" Nina said sarcastically as she filled out some  
documents.  
  
"Oh come now Nina, I know you're happy as well, come on! Let a little bit  
of that sunshine out!" he teased.  
  
Nina looked at him stony faced before breaking down into a big smile.  
"Our little Hawkeye's all grow'd up!" she screamed. 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10 -Dad, meet Margaret  
  
"Is that yours?" Hawkeye asked pointing to the suitcase that rested on  
the front porch.  
  
"Yeah, I came straight here so I didn't have the chance to check into a  
motel!"  
  
"So you're sticking around for a while?" he asked in surprise.  
  
"I took a week off work, just in case!" she smiled.  
  
"Great! And forget about checking into a motel, we've plenty of space  
here!"  
  
"Are you sure your father wouldn't mind?"  
  
"Are you kidding? He'll be delighted to have a female presence in the  
house. You can have the guest room, or if you'd prefer you could always  
share with me?" he said with that cheeky glint in his eyes.  
  
"You'd like that wouldn't you! The guest room will do fine!"  
  
"Ok but I'll live to regret it!" He said as he lifted the suitcase  
inside. "Good Lord Margaret! You did say it was one week didn't you?"  
  
"Yes!" she said confused.  
  
"Well what on earth is in this case it weighs a tonne?"  
  
"Oh you know, girl stuff!" she said throwing him a seductive smile.  
  
Margaret stood for a moment in the semi-darkness of the hall. Then slowly  
she made her way deeper into the house. It definitely had a very strong  
male presence. There was a lot of old furniture that Margaret reckoned  
had been handed down through the generations. Although the absence of a  
female presence was evident, the house had a very warm atmosphere. There  
was a lot of love in this house but there must also be a lot of pain  
hidden in those walls somewhere she thought to herself. She could never  
imagine what it must have been like to lose a mother. Even now she  
couldn't imagine her life without her own mother.  
  
"In here!" Hawkeye called from the living-room. "You have a seat there  
and I'll get the fire on!" he said pointing to the sofa. "Here put this  
around you!" Margaret took the blanket from Hawkeye and wrapped herself  
up securely. She took a look around her. The room was wall to wall with  
books. The furniture seemed old but was in good condition. She noticed  
that there seemed to be very few photographs around. There was one on the  
wall of Hawkeye holding his diploma and one or two more of people she  
didn't recognise, probably cousins or something.  
  
"Looks like I'll have to go chop some wood!" Hawkeye said as he knelt by  
the fireplace.  
  
Margaret followed him to the back porch keeping the blanket wrapped  
around her. She watched as he chopped a few pieces of wood out of the  
pile of logs that lay at the side of the yard. She felt as though she had  
stepped into another world. Life in the country was very different from  
anything she had ever experienced. Hawkeye was very different when he was  
at home. She couldn't put her finger on it, he just seemed more  
comfortable in himself. He was always trying to be entertaining in front  
of her friends in Boston but here, here he was just himself.  
  
"Hawkeye, who was that woman working in your father's place?"  
  
"Ah, you've met the charming Nina I see!" he laughed. "Don't worry, her  
bark is a lot worse than her bite!"  
  
"She certainly is a bit ah..."  
  
"Overpowering?" he offered.  
  
"Yeah, I guess that's the word! She speaks very highly of you!"  
  
"Does that surprise you? I'm a very likeable guy you know!" he said as he  
brought the axe down hard on another piece of wood.  
  
"Yes I've noticed that!"  
  
"She's a bit protective of me. She kinda filled in for my mother I guess  
when I was growing up. She seems a bit bad tempered I know but underneath  
it all she has a heart of gold! Well, that ought to be enough" he said  
straightening his back. "Let's get back inside!"  
  
Hawkeye had the fire blazing in minutes and Margaret was already  
beginning to feel warmer. "Would you like a hot drink, we've got it all,  
tea, coffee, some of Nina's herbal stuff which I wouldn't recommend, or  
hot chocolate? Or something stronger? How about a scotch?"  
  
"A scotch would be great!"  
  
"Here you go" he said handing her the glass as he took a seat beside her.  
  
"You're not having one?" she asked.  
  
"Ah no!" he said as he took her in his arms. "Actually I don't touch the  
stuff now!"  
  
"What? You don't drink at all?" she said sceptically.  
  
Hawkeye shook his head.  
  
"Not even beer?"  
  
"Nope!" he said.  
  
"How come?"  
  
"I didn't like the way it made me feel anymore. Out in Korea it felt like  
we had a reason to drink but here... I just couldn't justify it anymore,  
and I had started to abuse it a bit!"  
  
"How do you mean?"  
  
"I'm not an alcoholic" he said looking at her defensively "I just started  
to drink too much of the stuff, it wasn't healthy, so I stopped!"  
  
"Its ok, I'm not accusing you! Just as long as you're happy!"  
  
"Oh believe me baby there isn't a man in this world that's happier than  
me right now!"  
  
She leaned in to kiss him again. She loved the way he kissed, it was  
soft, tender, yet full of passion. Hawkeye met her lips, they tasted so  
sweet. He had kissed a lot of women in his time but somehow Margaret was  
different. She reciprocated him in every way. His hands began to wander  
as hers stayed cupped around his head. She pulled back slightly  
"Hawkeye?"  
  
"Yes" he replied as he moved to her neck. God that felt good! She wanted  
so much to rip off his clothes but resisted, "Can we talk?"  
  
Hawkeye pulled back and looked suspiciously into her eyes, "You're not  
planning on doing a runner again are you?" he asked.  
  
"No of course not, it's just...can we take things slowly? This is all  
happening so fast. I don't want to mess things up!" she looked at him  
pleadingly.  
  
"Margaret, you can't mess this up!" he tried to sound reassuring.  
  
"It's just that so many of my relationships have started off in bed and  
ended in disaster, I want it to be different this time."  
  
"So you're saying...no sex?"  
  
"Well, no, not altogether, just not right away!"  
  
"But there will be sometime?"  
  
Margaret laughed at his expression. He looked like a wounded puppy dog.  
  
"Yes, of course!"  
  
Hawkeye considered this for a moment, then nodding his head said "Ok, we  
wait, until you're ready! I can do that! I don't want to mess this up  
either you know!"  
  
"Thank you" she smiled.  
  
"So how long would we be talking about here a few days, maybe a week?" he  
asked.  
  
She shot two very cool eyes back at him.  
  
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" he said putting his hands up in an innocent  
gesture.  
"Honestly Margaret, I'll wait however long! We'll take each day as it  
comes!" he said gazing lovingly into her eyes. "Now where were we?" he  
said as he closed the gap between them. Margaret started giggling as he  
nuzzled her neck and then let herself go, completely at his mercy.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
"Ben, you here?" came Daniel's voice from the hall. "Down boy" he said as  
he put a hand out to fend off an excited Harry who had come to greet him.  
"Ben?"  
  
"In the kitchen dad! Hey come here, I want you to meet somebody!" Hawkeye  
shouted.  
  
Daniel walked into the kitchen and met with the smiling eyes of Margaret  
Houlihan.  
  
"Dad, this is Margaret. I said she could stay with us a few days, is that  
ok?"  
  
"Of course!" Daniel retorted. "So this is the famous Margaret!" he said  
as he moved in to give her a peck on the cheek.  
  
"It's lovely to finally meet you Dr. Pierce!"  
  
"Likewise, and please, call me Dan! You were right Hawk! She is a  
stunner!"  
Margaret blushed.  
  
"So what brings you to this neck of the woods?" Daniel asked as he sat  
down.  
Margaret looked to Hawkeye who stepped up to answer the question for her.  
  
"Well dad, she and I are going to have a try at being together!"  
  
"You are?"  
  
"Yeah, I knew she'd succumb to my charms in the end!" he said as he put  
an arm around her shoulder.  
  
"Well I think it's wonderful, Margaret, welcome to the family!"  
  
"Thank you!" Margaret said.  
  
"What's for dinner Ben?"  
  
"Well I thought maybe we'd all go out, as a sort of celebration. I've  
been telling Margaret about the lobster and..."  
  
"Great idea, you're going to love the lobster Margaret. Are you a fan of  
shellfish?"  
  
"Yes actually. I don't get to eat it that often."  
  
"Well then you've come to the right place. What time is the reservation?"  
Daniel inquired.  
  
"Eight o'clock!" Hawkeye replied.  
  
"Great, gives me plenty of time to clean myself up!" Daniel said as he  
rose from the chair. "If you two will excuse me, I'm gonna pick out  
something to wear!"  
  
Daniel exited the kitchen and slowly climbed the stairs. He had a smile  
firmly planted across his face. He was over the moon for Hawkeye, he just  
hoped this one would last.  
  
"He seems lovely!" Margaret said to Hawkeye. "Not too unlike his son!"  
she added. Hawkeye looked up at her. He had always felt his dad left  
pretty big shoes to fill in this town. There wasn't a single person that  
had a bad word to say about the man. Hawkeye always felt that he would  
never measure up to him. "Do you really mean that?" he asked Margaret.  
  
"Yes! No matter what you may think about yourself Hawkeye you are a nice  
person! And I don't care how long it takes someday I am going to convince  
you of that!"  
  
He smiled, very much appreciating what she had just said. Hawkeye was  
never willing to admit it but B.J. had been right when he labelled him  
insecure. The only place Hawkeye ever felt truly confident was the  
operating room, and he had even been robbed of that in the end.  
  
"Would you like to get ready? The iron is down in the basement if you  
need it!"  
  
"Yes I suppose I could. What should I wear? Is it formal?"  
  
"Well I doubt we'll ever bump into the Winchesters' there but wear  
something nice anyway, just for me!" he said as he pushed a lock of hair  
from her eyes.  
  
"I'll dress up if you will?" she added tugging at his belt. She loved it  
when he got dressed up, he looked so handsome in a suit.  
  
"Deal!" he said, kissing her forehead.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Daniel was ready first and was waiting patiently in the living room.  
Margaret came down a short time after. She was wearing a long black dress  
that showed off her curves and a little cleavage. She knew it would be  
right up Hawkeye's alley.  
  
Hawkeye was the last to be ready. He had to wait until Margaret was  
finished in the bathroom before he could go in.  
  
"Oh my, you look beautiful Margaret!" Daniel said as she came into the  
room.  
  
"Thank you!" she smiled. She was really amazed at the difference between  
Hawkeye and his father. He did not look at all as she had expected. He  
was a good few inches smaller and of a narrow build. His hair was thick  
and white. He didn't look his age at all with only a few telling wrinkles  
around his eyes. His skin was paler, not the sallow complexion that  
Hawkeye had. She guessed that he must have gotten most of his looks from  
his mother's side. Except the eyes and the smile, they were very  
evidently his father's she noted as Daniel now smiled in front of her.  
  
"What would you like to do while we wait?" he asked.  
  
"Oh I don't know. I'm sure he won't be long will he?"  
  
"Are you kidding? He's worse than any woman when it comes to getting  
ready! Likes to make himself real handsome! In other words he's vain!"  
Daniel said whispering the last part.  
  
"You don't have to tell me at all. That was very clear while we were in  
Korea!" Margaret laughed.  
  
"I've got some family photos! Would you like to see?"  
  
"Great!" Margaret smiled.  
  
"He'll kill me for this!" Daniel said as he left out an evil chuckle.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Ten minutes later Hawkeye casually walked down the stairs. He found them  
both in the living room, Margaret laughing gaily.  
  
"Oh God! Not the family album!" he sighed. Margaret was still laughing as  
he went to take a closer look, "Oh goody" he said sarcastically, "You've  
gotten to the nudey ones!"  
  
"Aaw, that's so cute!" Margaret sighed.  
  
"Can we go now!" Hawkeye piped up.  
  
"Oh but we haven't gotten to the ones with the sailor suit yet!" Daniel  
said childishly.  
Hawkeye stared quietly at his father.  
  
"Uh oh! If looks could kill I'd be a dead man now!" Daniel said to  
Margaret as he gathered up the photos and placed them back in the box.  
"I'll just get my coat!" he said.  
  
Margaret wiped the tears away from her eyes and took a look at Hawkeye  
for the first time. "You look very handsome!" she said still smirking. He  
was wearing a black suit with an open neck white shirt. That little bit  
of rebellion was still in him she thought as she noted the absence of a  
tie. He looked gorgeous, black suited him but the white shirt looked  
extremely well against the backdrop of his tanned skin.  
  
"Thank you, I try my best!" he said confidently. "Now stand up so I can  
get a better you at you my lady!" he said taking her hand.  
  
He gave her a wolf whistle as she twirled in front of him. "That is one  
sexy looking outfit" he said as his lips grazed her ear. She was wearing  
the set of pearls that he had given her.  
  
"Alrighty, let's go!" Daniel said as he returned with his coat.  
  
**************************************************************  
  
They had just sat down to eat when a telephone call came requesting a  
doctor.  
  
"It amazes me how they always seem to be able to find me!" Daniel sighed.  
  
"Oh come on dad, if you're not at home you're at the bar playing cards,  
and if you're not there you're here! Of course they know how to reach  
you, you're too predictable!"  
  
"Actually Hawk, the lady is requesting you!" the waiter said to Hawkeye.  
  
"Oh, it must be Sheila!" Hawkeye said to his father as he got up to take  
the call.  
  
"Sorry about this Margaret!" Daniel said.  
  
"Oh its ok, I'm well used to being around doctors, I know it's a twenty-  
four hour job!" she replied.  
  
"This Sheila is a single mother. She has an awful lot of trouble with her  
eight year old son, he can get a bit violent at times for no reason,  
tares the place apart.!"  
  
"How awful!"  
  
"Yeah I know. Hawkeye's the only one that can calm him down. He's got  
some kind of connection with the kid. Somehow he can get through to him  
when no one else can!"  
  
"Do they know what is wrong with him?"  
  
"No, they've taken him to psychiatrist after psychiatrist, no one can put  
a label on it. Poor woman, her husband left her after Sam, that's the  
kid's name, got too much to handle. As you can imagine she depends a  
great deal on Hawkeye's help."  
  
"That's so awful, the way a man can just abandon his family like that!"  
  
"Sorry folks I'm gonna have to go. Sam's acting up again, he has the  
kitchen wrecked and is now working his way through the living room! I'll  
probably be a while" Hawkeye looked at Margaret apologetically.  
  
"That's ok, gives Margaret and I more time to get to know each other  
right?"  
  
"Right, we'll be ok Ben!" Margaret said.  
  
Hawkeye gave her a strange look. "That's the first time you've called me  
that! Anyway I'd better be off. Bye, love you!" he said kissing her on  
the lips.  
  
"Oh, I love you too son!" Daniel said jokingly.  
  
"I'm still mad at you for this evenings little slide show" he said waving  
a finger at Daniel.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Daniel and Margaret talked all throughout the meal, mainly about what she  
had been up to with herself and memories of Korea. Daniel asked her about  
what had happened to Hawkeye out there, about why he ended up in a  
psychiatric hospital. He hadn't dared broach the subject with his son.  
  
"It's hard to pin it down to one specific thing, you have to realise we  
were under constant pressure over there, and you know Hawkeye, he takes  
everything so personally." she said sidestepping the question.  
  
"But something must have happened?"  
  
Margaret shook her head, "He just snapped. I really don't think I should  
be the one telling you this Daniel!"  
  
"You're right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward  
position. I just worry about him you know!"  
  
"It's ok, I understand. Truth is a lot of things happened out there,  
Henry got killed, then Trapper left shortly after. They were all very  
close friends I know it really affected him. The trouble with Hawkeye is  
that you never know how he really feels 'cause he masks all his feelings  
with humour and stupid stunts! I don't know if he has ever really grieved  
for Henry. Things like that can build up inside a person. I think that's  
what happened in the end, all these little things that happened to him  
out there built up until he finally snapped!" Margaret didn't want to  
mention the baby. She felt it was Hawkeye's place to tell his father not  
hers.  
  
"I guess so. He just always seems so strong like he could handle  
anything. I just don't know what goes on in his head anymore Margaret.  
It's like the war has put this gap between us, we don't seem to be able  
to talk like we used to! I guess I have myself to blame."  
  
"You can't blame yourself for the way he is, he's a grown man!"  
  
"Yeah, but he learned all those masking tricks from me! I never told him  
his mother was dying you know? I just couldn't do it. How do you explain  
something like that to a ten year old kid? I know he's still cut up about  
that. Trouble is I was never very open to him about my feelings. I kept  
on trying to be strong for him. As a result to this day, he still keeps  
everything locked up inside. I never showed him how to open up!" Daniel's  
voice cracked a little as he fought to maintain control of his emotions.  
  
"I know he thinks the world of you, he talked about you all the time in  
Korea. I'm sure he just doesn't blame you for anything. The war is a  
difficult thing to talk about, especially with people who weren't there.  
Hawkeye isn't the only one who doesn't talk about it you know? I myself  
have never talked to my mother about the horrible things I've seen. He  
doesn't tell you because he loves you, he doesn't want to fill your head  
with the horrible images we all carry around with us"  
  
"I appreciate that but this problem we have goes back farther than the  
war. Even when he was a child it was always his mother he went to first.  
I think that when he was ten, we both missed out on an important  
opportunity to deepen our relationship. I turned away from him and it has  
affected him ever since"  
  
Margaret was growing increasingly uncomfortable, she wasn't used to  
someone being that open, especially someone who only knew her a couple of  
hours. "Well then maybe you should be telling him this instead of me!  
Tell him how you feel!"  
  
"Right and I can tell you exactly what would happen, he'd make a joke, I  
would smile and we'd both walk away! We've been running in that same  
circle all our lives!"  
  
"Well then it's time to break that circle. Don't blame yourself for  
whatever may be wrong with Hawkeye, I can assure you it was the war that  
did this to him, not you!"  
  
"Have you any idea what it feels like to see your own child in so much  
pain and know there's nothing you can do to help!" Daniel said looking  
directly into her eyes. He had the same penetrating look that Hawkeye  
had, that helpless puppy-dog expression.  
  
"Nothing hurts more than the pain of a loved one!" Margaret agreed.  
  
"And all I can do is sit there and watch. You know what he does? He'll  
sit outside on the porch swing, he could be there for hours, just sitting  
there not doing a thing! He won't even stay in the same room as me! I  
don't know what to do Margaret!"  
  
Margaret had no idea things were this bad in the Pierce household. She  
put her hand out across the table and clasped his.  
  
"You don't have to worry about him anymore, I'm here now and I'm gonna  
take good care of him, you'll see!"  
  
Daniel smiled, "I'm so sorry. This was supposed to be a nice meal and  
I've gone and made us all depressed"  
  
"No this was supposed to be a meal where we got to know one another  
better and I think we've done that. I'm glad you could talk to me like  
that, it makes me feel more welcome!"  
  
"And welcome you are my dear. I know you're the best thing that could've  
happened to him! The second you came back into his life... it was like a  
miracle and that's no exaggeration! He started smiling again. You have no  
idea what it means to see my boy smile again. I am so glad you changed  
your mind and came out here!"  
  
"So am I." she agreed.  
  
"Thanks for listening to me going on like that, I didn't realise I had  
so much to get off my chest! I could never talk to anyone around here  
like that, not even Nina. She'd just blab it around!" Daniel laughed.  
  
"It was my pleasure!" Margaret smiled. "Maybe you can return the favour  
someday!"  
  
********************************************************************  
  
All in all, it had been an enjoyable meal. Margaret was beginning to  
really like the elder Pierce. She could see why Hawkeye was so fond of  
him, he was such a gentle, sensitive man, polite and well mannered. She  
never once felt as though he was judging her. He had a lot of the  
characteristics of Colonel Potter she thought, fatherly, caring and  
forthcoming. She felt immediately at home in the Pierce household. Still  
she thought there was a great deal of loneliness in the man. It wasn't  
fair that such a good man should have been robbed of his wife like that!  
  
It was approaching ten o'clock when they got in the door. Hawkeye was  
still not home.  
  
"You were certainly right about the shellfish here, it was delicious!"  
Margaret said.  
  
"Oh if you think that was good wait 'till you taste some of Ben's home  
cooking. The kid's a whiz in the kitchen!"  
  
"So I've heard!"  
  
"Between you and me, I think I missed the food the most while he was  
away!" Daniel said with a wink. "I'm kidding of course. But seriously he  
is good! I don't know where he got it from, certainly wasn't me! It must  
be the Italian blood in him! Would you like a drink?"  
  
"No thank you I'm fine!"  
  
"Ok, well make yourself at home anyway, if there's anything you can't  
find just rummage around. I'm going to hit the sack. You need a full  
nights sleep to last a full day with Nina. I believe you two met!"  
  
"Oh yes, we met alright! I think I'll wait up for Hawkeye"  
  
"I wouldn't bother Margaret, he could be there all night!"  
  
"Really? Well I'll wait up a little while anyway."  
  
"Ok, night!" Daniel said as he went up stairs.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
"Ok, that should do it!" Hawkeye said as he placed Sam into his bed. He  
had managed to calm the child down enough to slip him a sedative.  
  
"Thank you so much Hawkeye, I don't know how I'd do this without you!"  
Sheila cried.  
  
"You know his condition is getting worse?" She nodded in agreement.  
"Listen I've got a friend who's a psychiatrist, I could give him a call?"  
  
"We've been to psychiatrists Hawkeye, none of them can help him!"  
  
"But this guy is very good, honest, he has years of experience. I really  
think he could help you!"  
  
"I don't know!"  
  
"You have to get some help Shelia, you can't go on this way. When was the  
last time you had a check-up?"  
  
"I don't know, but I'm fine really. Just a little tired now and again!"  
  
"Sheila, I think you're in terrific shape for a woman that's been through  
what you have. But you can't let your health suffer. What happens if you  
get really ill? What do you think will happen to Sam then? He needs you!"  
  
"They wouldn't take him away would they?"  
  
"Look, I don't want to scare you I'm just worried about you. Promise me  
you'll drop by the office tomorrow so I can take some bloods will you?"  
  
"Ok"  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"I promise!"  
  
"Good, now let's get this place cleaned up!"  
  
"You don't have to!"  
  
"I know, but I want to!" He gave her a reassuring smile.  
  
"But don't you want to be getting back to your lady-friend?"  
  
"What... how? You've been talking to Nina haven't you?"  
  
"Yes, she told me where I might find you tonight since you weren't home!"  
  
It never ceased to amaze him at how fast news spread around the Cove,  
then again once Nina got a hold of a piece of juicy information you may  
as well publish it in the paper. The woman was an incurable gossip!  
  
***************************************************************  
  
It was twelve-thirty before Hawkeye got home. He hoped his father hadn't  
embarrassed him too much while he was gone! He quietly opened and shut  
the front door and tip-toed towards the kitchen. The faint light coming  
from the living room caught his eye and he made a quick detour.  
  
He saw Margaret sitting by the reading lamp leafing through some  
photographs. "She waited up for me!" he smiled to himself.  
  
"Hey" he said.  
  
"Hey you're back!" she smiled as he placed a soft kiss on her forehead.  
"What happened to your face?" she asked noticing a scratch across his  
forehead.  
  
"Oh its nothing, Sam just got a little violent. What are you up to?" he  
said as he nestled in beside her.  
  
"I was just looking through your photographs, you don't mind do you?"  
  
"No" he said warmly as he snuggled into her.  
  
"Is that your mother?" she asked holding up a photograph of a young woman  
with long dark hair and the unmistakable features of Hawkeye.  
  
"Yes" he nodded.  
  
"She's very beautiful"  
  
"Well you didn't think I got my good looks from my father did you?"  
  
"Oh you!" she said, rolling her eyes.  
  
Hawkeye took the photograph from Margaret. A wave of sadness swept across  
him as his thumb gently caressed the outline of her face.  
  
"Tell me about her?" Margaret asked noticing his change of mood.  
  
"Um, ok! Her parents were Italian immigrants who didn't speak a word of  
English. She was just a baby when they came to America. Her father  
eventually started up his own restaurant in New York. Fast forward a few  
years and she met my father at a conference in Manhattan. He was there as  
a young medical student and she was there as part of the catering staff.  
It was love at first sight for him and after chasing her for a few weeks  
she agreed to a date and the rest as they say is history!"  
  
"What kind of a person was she?" Margaret wasn't sure how far to push  
things but he seemed comfortable enough talking about her.  
  
"From what I remember she was a very strong individual. My mother could  
handle anything. My father you see, he's sensitive, he bruises very  
easily but she was strong. Even when she was sick she always stayed  
positive though she knew she was dying. She never lost her sense of  
humour or her will to live. At least that's what I've been told anyway. I  
didn't actually know she was dying at the time" he said with some degree  
of bitterness.  
  
"What happened to her?" Margaret asked as she rested her head on his  
chest.  
  
"Cancer" he said taking a deep breath. "Cancer killed her. She was so  
funny! I think that's what attracted them to each other, they both had an  
incredible sense of humour. My father, he was the joke teller but my  
mother did imitations. She would take off all the movie stars or the  
other people in town. She always made me laugh! She ah..." his voice began  
to break as he suddenly became very emotional. "She was also very proud  
of her Italian background" he continued, regaining his composure. "She  
made sure I could speak Italian and would tell me all about her family  
and where they were from."  
  
"She sounds like a remarkable woman, I'd like to have known her."  
  
"Yeah so would I." he said ambiguously.  
  
"What do you mean?" Margaret asked.  
  
"Well that's the one thing I regret the most, that I never got to know  
her as an adult. The only memories I have of her are those of a child. I  
never got to have a real adult conversation with her. In a sense I really  
never knew her at all. I don't know what she was passionate about, what  
her dreams were, her views on politics... all those little things that are  
unimportant to a ten year old. She was my mother, she did all those  
motherly things" he paused for a moment, his eyes remaining fixed on the  
woman in the photograph.  
  
"I did see her shortly before she died. My father took me to see her at  
the hospital. Of course I didn't know at the time that that would be the  
last time I would ever speak to her. That was my dad's idea of  
protection, not telling me! I remember being left alone with her and she  
had this look in her eye, this knowing look. Of course it makes sense now  
but at the time I thought nothing of it. She told me that she would be  
going away for awhile but that I was not to be sad. She said that if I  
ever needed to talk to her all I had to do was to look up to the sky and  
that she would hear me. I thought at the time that this was all very  
strange but then of course when I found out she had died it all made  
sense. But do know the funny thing is that to this day even as a grown  
man, I'll still look up into the clouds and talk to her! I know it's  
childish and weird but it's all I've got. I just feel that it brings me  
that little bit closer to her!"  
  
"I don't think it's childish."  
  
"Of course I don't actually talk to the clouds anymore, people think I'm  
crazy enough as it is! I just love the peacefulness that comes over me as  
I watch the sky. Do you ever find that? The sky is so at peace. I mean  
why wouldn't it be, it's thousands of miles away from this place!"  
  
"And what about you? Are you at peace Hawkeye?" Margaret asked boldly as  
she raised her head to look at him.  
  
"What do you mean? I'm fine, especially now that I've got you!" he  
smiled.  
  
"I think a lot of things have gone unsaid between you and your father  
over the years that may still be niggling at you inside."  
  
The smile faded from his face. "You deduced all this from having known  
the man for one day?" he said cynically.  
  
"He's very worried about you. He blames himself for everything that is  
wrong. He says he can't talk to you anymore, that you shut him out, that  
you've always shut him out."  
  
"Hasn't he been busy tonight! I can't believe he laid all that on you!"  
he said looking away from her.  
  
"Don't be angry. He's desperate Hawkeye, he thinks he's losing you!"  
  
"That's silly, doesn't he know how much he means to me? I love him, I  
love him to bits!"  
  
"Then please talk to him, just give a little bit. You don't have to tell  
him everything just tell him something!"  
  
"It's not that easy. It's like I said he's so sensitive. It would hurt  
him more to know the truth!"  
  
"It couldn't hurt him anymore than it already is!"  
  
"He really feels that way? I wish he'd just tell me these things!"  
  
Hawkeye had been fighting hard to hold back the tears but they now rolled  
softly down his face. Margaret decided to stop talking and instead just  
held him tightly while he silently cried.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
It was some time later before Hawkeye decided it was time to go to bed.  
Margaret had fallen asleep on his chest. Her warm body against his and  
the gentle beating of her heart made him reluctant to move. He watched  
her in the dull glow of the reading lamp, unsure what he had done to  
deserve her. He really felt that finding her again had saved his life and  
he never wanted to let her go.  
  
"You're my lucky-charm!" he whispered to the sleeping form in his arms.  
  
Margaret groaned as she began to wake up. "Ssh" came a voice from out of  
no where. She woke up to find herself in Hawkeye's arms as he carried her  
up the stairs.  
  
"Hawkeye?" she mumbled, "What time is it?"  
  
"It's late" he whispered as he landed her on the bed.  
  
"I fell asleep!" she moaned.  
  
"Ssh! Go back to sleep. I'll see you tomorrow!"  
  
"Goodnight!"  
  
"Goodnight sweetheart!"  
  
He leaned in and gave her a tender kiss on the lips before pulling the  
blankets up over her. He then headed for his own room closing the door  
behind him.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"Burr! It's getting a bit too cold to be meeting like this!" Sidney said  
as he started running on the spot to get warm. He was having his monthly  
meeting with Hawkeye on the beach. It had been two weeks since Margaret  
had shown up in town.  
  
"Not used to being by the sea this time of year are you?" Hawkeye  
laughed.  
  
"I'm not used to being by the sea any time of year. So how have you  
been?"  
  
Hawkeye threw one last stone into the sea before turning to face Sidney.  
  
"I'm good!" he replied.  
  
"How's work?"  
  
"Work is good, I'm enjoying the pace and getting to know my patients!"  
  
"Do you miss the big city lights at all?"  
  
Hawkeye sat down on an abandoned lobster cage. "Sometimes!" he said  
honestly.  
  
"Oh?" Sidney said raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah, sometimes I really miss the surgery but... I don't know" he said  
shaking his head.  
  
"Would you ever consider getting back in the game?"  
  
Hawkeye shook his head before answering Sidney. "I don't think so Sid!  
Missing it and actually getting back into it are two very different  
things. I have a good life here!"  
  
"And how are things with Margaret?"  
  
"Oh she's fantastic Sid" Hawkeye sprang up, his eyes immediately lit up  
at the mention of her name. "I still can't believe she's mine! I feel so  
lucky!"  
  
"She certainly seems to have had a positive impact on you!"  
  
"You don't know the half of it! When I'm around her it's like all the bad  
stuff in my life melts into the background and everything is focused on  
her. I can't explain it, this feeling I have when I'm with her, I'm just  
so happy! I'm always happy!" Hawkeye beamed at Sidney.  
  
"I have to admit Hawk you are like a changed man these past few weeks.  
How are you sleeping?"  
  
"Oh, well I still get the dreams and it still takes all night to fall  
asleep but I'm coping with it!"  
  
"So this is the big 'L' is it?" Sidney said winking at Hawkeye.  
  
Hawkeye nodded and smiled, "I'm going to marry her Sid!"  
  
Sidney smiled back at Hawkeye and gave him a pat on the shoulder, "I'm  
happy for you Hawk, you deserve it!" His face then turned serious as he  
stepped away from Hawkeye.  
  
"Hawk, I'm going to let you go!"  
  
"What?" Hawkeye said.  
  
Sidney looked at him and nodded, "That's right! The time has come. I've  
brought you as far as I can, you can take care of yourself now. You don't  
need me to hold your hand anymore!"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Look at you? You are a functioning human being again are you not? And  
now you've got Margaret to look after you, you don't need me! You should  
be proud of yourself Hawk, you beat the war! You did it!"  
  
"Yeah, I did didn't I!"  
  
"You sure did!" Sidney gave him a light punch on the shoulder.  
  
"So this is it? Our last session?"  
  
"That's right!"  
  
"Just as well, you were getting too expensive anyway!" He quipped.  
  
Hawkeye walked Sidney to his car for the last time.  
  
"I'm going to miss you Sid!"  
  
"Well if you ever need me you know I'm just a phone call away!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
"And hey, don't forget my invite to the wedding!"  
  
"You bet!"  
  
"Take care of yourself Hawkeye" Sidney said sincerely.  
  
"I will... or at least Margaret will anyway!"  
  
Hawkeye stared warmly at Sidney for a while before enveloping the man in  
a hug.  
  
"Thanks for everything Sidney. If it wasn't for you I think I'd be dead a  
long time ago, I mean that!"  
  
"You're a lot stronger than you think Hawkeye, I may have but the  
thoughts in your head but you executed them. Well I better get going,  
I'll leave you with one last piece of advice, pull down your pants and..."  
  
"Slide on the ice!" Hawkeye laughed finishing the sentence.  
  
"Goodbye Hawkeye!"  
  
As Hawkeye watched Sidney drive away he felt as though a great weight had  
been lifted from him. "I'm sane again!" he smiled making his way back to  
the house.  
  
Hawkeye was finally ready to start his new life, a new life with  
Margaret, free from Korea and everything else that tried to hold him  
back. It had taken a long time for him to learn to let go but now that he  
had he felt stronger than ever. He was ready to settle down, ready to  
marry!  
  
He had been thinking a lot about his father. He noticed for the first  
time how old his father had gotten. "I must have put him through hell" he  
thought.  
  
After talking with Margaret, Hawkeye realised he had to make more of an  
effort to communicate with the man. As he walked back into the house he  
noticed his father was watching him from inside. "Well now is as good a  
time as any!" he decided as he went in to sit beside him.  
  
"Sidney gone then?" Daniel said looking up as his son entered the room.  
  
"Yeah, actually he's gone for good, that was our last session"  
  
"That's a good sign"  
  
"Yeah. Hey dad, what was mom like? I mean really like?"  
  
Daniel was taken by surprise. They never really talked about her anymore.  
  
"Your mother? Well now she was some woman! Let me see, where to begin..." 


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11 -Meet the Parents  
  
Margaret and Hawkeye were approaching their six month anniversary. So far  
their relationship had gone from strength to strength. They were still  
commuting between Boston and Crabapple Cove, only being able to see each  
other at weekends most of the time.  
  
The first time they slept together had been completely unplanned. They  
crashed in the door of her apartment, all over each other. Hawkeye was  
working his way around her neck when Margaret said,  
  
"Hawkeye, remember when I said I wanted to wait?"  
  
"Yeah!" he managed to say between bites.  
  
"Well I don't want to wait anymore!"  
  
Hawkeye stopped what he was doing and looked at her. "Are you sure?" he  
asked looking into her eyes.  
  
"Yes!" she replied.  
  
Without having to ask twice Hawkeye scooped her up in his arms and made  
for the bedroom. All the passion that had been building up between them  
spilled out into what was a special night for both. For Hawkeye, it had  
been a long time and he was nervous she could tell. Neither spoke  
throughout it, they kissed and held each other and made sweet, passionate  
love through the night.  
  
The following morning they lay together, warm skin glowing in the sun  
light. Margaret's head rested on his chest while he gently rubbed her  
naked back and kissed her shoulder. "We should have done that a long time  
ago!" he whispered.  
  
Margaret smiled shifting her head so that she was now looking into his  
eyes. "Yeah!" she agreed kissing him on the lips.  
  
"Want to do it again?" he asked, a mischievous gleam in his eye.  
  
"Oh yeah!" Margaret agreed and started giggling as he tossed her on her  
back. Kneeling over her he slowly bent down and kissed her tenderly on  
the lips.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
"She wants me to meet her parents!" Hawkeye said to Daniel and Nina in  
the break-room.  
  
"So, what's the big deal?" Nina asked.  
  
"You don't know her father! Her mother is fine, I met her but her father!  
He's a whole other kettle of fish! A world war one and two veteran and a  
real hard-ass!"  
  
"I'm sure he can't be that bad!" Daniel said.  
  
"Ha! I didn't tell you about the time we met in Korea did I? Let's just  
say I did not make a very good first impression! He's going to hate me I  
know!"  
  
"He might surprise you, maybe he has changed!" Nina offered.  
  
"Yeah, and he's probably forgotten he ever met you. Just turn on the  
charm you'll win him over!" Daniel added.  
  
"I wish I shared your optimism!" Hawkeye retorted.  
  
***********************************************************  
  
"Please Hawkeye!"  
  
"Look Margaret, if I'm going to met your father then I am going as  
myself. That means NO TIE" Hawkeye said as they argued over what he was  
wearing to the meal with her parents.  
  
"This is very important to me Hawkeye, I want him to like you!"  
  
"And you think a tie is going to make a difference?"  
  
"It shows that you've made an effort. Please do this for me!"  
  
"Margaret I won't change myself for him. He's either going to like me for  
who I am or not at all!"  
  
"Ugh, you can be so stubborn. All I ask is that you do this one small  
thing for me but oh no, it's the principle of the thing!" Margaret said  
in a mocking tone.  
  
"I don't appreciate that tone!" Hawkeye said coolly. "I just hate ties, I  
always feel like I'm gonna suffocate!" He looked into her cool blue eyes  
knowing that he was getting no where. He took a deep breath before giving  
in. "Alright I'll wear the stupid tie but just this once!"  
  
"Thank you!" Margaret said, "Sorry about before!"  
  
"It's amazing, we haven't even met your father yet and already he's  
trying to break us up!" Hawkeye said with a smile.  
  
"Oh try and not be so...you know...confrontational! And call him Colonel, he  
likes that!" Margaret shouted as she applied her lip-stick.  
  
Hawkeye rolled his eyes, "It wouldn't matter if I got down on my knees  
and kissed his feet, he's still not going to like me!"  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye and Margaret stood outside the restaurant waiting for her parents  
to arrive. Hawkeye was getting nervous, he wanted Al to like him, for  
Margaret's sake. "So what time did the grand jury say they'd be here?"  
  
Margaret gave him a stern look, "My parents should be here any minute.  
And please keep the wise cracks to a minimum would you? My father has no  
sense of humour!"  
  
"Ok, whatever you say!" Hawkeye was growing tired of Margaret's  
behaviour. All day it seemed he could do nothing right. She kept picking  
at him over one thing or another. But he bit his tongue and smiled  
through it trying to keep her calm. He knew this was a big deal to her,  
her father's approval meant everything.  
  
"Oh my God here they come! How do I look?"  
  
"Beautiful!"  
  
"Mom, dad, hi!" Margaret said as she hugged her parents. Hawkeye kept his  
distance as her father glared at him over Margaret's shoulder. "Mom, you  
remember Hawk...ahh...Ben!"  
  
"Yes of course, it's lovely to see you again Ben!"  
  
"Likewise" Hawkeye said as he gave her a hug.  
  
"Dad, this is Ben. He's my ahh...boyfriend!"  
  
"Colonel!" Hawkeye said putting his hand out.  
  
"Shall we go inside?" Al said ignoring Hawkeye.  
  
"Yes, ok!" Margaret said. She looked at Hawkeye and shrugged her  
shoulders.  
Hawkeye left them all in before him, "So far so good!" he said  
sarcastically under his breath.  
  
Hawkeye took Margaret's coat and then pulled out the chair for her. So  
far he was doing everything right, he referred to Al as 'colonel' and was  
the perfect gentleman. Al had yet to acknowledge his existence but apart  
from that everything was going well. Once everyone had settled into their  
chairs there followed an awkward silence. The calm before the storm,  
Hawkeye couldn't help but think. Alvin 'Howitzer Al' Houlihan sat  
diagonally across from Hawkeye.  
  
"Here are the menus, I will return shortly to take your order" the waiter  
said.  
  
"Thank you!" Hawkeye noticed that Al wasn't looking at his menu. In fact  
he was actually staring intently at Hawkeye. Take no notice he's just  
trying to unnerve you! he thought as he buried his head in the menu.  
  
Margaret's mother made an attempt to break the silence, "So Ben, are you  
still working away in Crabapple Cove wasn't it?"  
  
"Yes that's right. I am working away"  
  
"Has your father retired yet?"  
  
"No, he'll keep working until the day it is physically impossible for  
him!"  
  
"So" Al's voice came booming from out of no where, "This is what you left  
the army for!" he said to Margaret while nodding in Hawkeye's direction.  
Here we go! Hawkeye thought as all eyes were now fixed on Al.  
  
"I left the army because I wanted to. Ben wasn't even in my life then!"  
Margaret said defensively. Hawkeye was surprised at how strongly she  
stood up to her father, she really had become so independent since Korea.  
Go Margaret! He said in his mind.  
  
"Well I hope he's worth it!" Al retorted.  
  
And here was I thinking this would be an unpleasant evening! Hawkeye  
thought biting his lip.  
  
"Dad please, don't be like this. We came here tonight so that you two  
could get to know each other!"  
  
"I already know everything I need to know about this man!"  
  
"Colonel, I know we got off on the wrong foot in Korea but couldn't we  
start again tonight? You know, clean slate?" Hawkeye said diplomatically.  
  
"No one's talking to you, this is between me and my daughter" Al snapped.  
  
"Ah-ha" Hawkeye said deciding to shut up.  
  
"Don't you speak to him that way" Margaret said standing up for her man.  
  
"Let's all try to calm down here shall we?" Margaret's mother  
interjected.  
  
"I love him!" Margaret said right into Al's eyes.  
  
"Do you even know who he is? I mean who he really is?"  
  
"Of course I do!" Margaret was beginning to get angry. Hawkeye sat there  
as Alvin made attempt after attempt to assassinate his character. He  
clasped Margaret's hand under the table as a sign of strength.  
  
"I've looked you up Captain! Do you know he has a record as long as my  
arm filled with nothing but charges and arrests? Insubordination, conduct  
unbecoming an officer, drunk and disorderly conduct, it goes on and on!"  
  
"That information is private!" Hawkeye said through clenched teeth, "How  
did you get a hold of it?"  
  
"I have my contacts Pierce. You know it amazes me how your butt never  
wound up in the stockade! You were a disgrace to your commission. I lost  
count of the number of times you were court marshalled but nothing ever  
stuck to you did it Pierce? If I was your CO you would have been booted  
out of the army a long time ago!"  
  
"And I would have been eternally grateful." Hawkeye said smugly under his  
breath. "Look whatever happened in Korea is irrelevant here tonight" he  
said as calmly as he could.  
  
"Oh is it?" Al responded.  
  
"Yes it is dad. I know all about Hawkeye's past, remember I was there  
too! He is nothing like that, he is a responsible and well held member of  
the community."  
  
"I just think it is important that you know what kind of a man you threw  
away your career for! For example, did you know he was incarcerated in a  
mental institution out there?"  
  
You bastard! Hawkeye thought desperately trying not to lose his cool.  
Everyone was silent. Hawkeye was stunned. What a lousy thing to say! he  
thought. All he could do was stare at the table, he did not wish to meet  
the eyes of Margaret or her mother. He had no comeback for this. He felt  
so ashamed. There was no way he was going to sit through a whole meal,  
taking nothing but insult after insult from this man. He slowly rose to  
his feet,  
  
"Excuse me I think I should leave."  
  
"Hawkeye no, please stay" Margaret pleaded.  
  
"No I really think I should leave before this gets unpleasant" he said  
looking directly at Al, "I'll see you at home" he whispered to Margaret  
as he kissed her cheek. "Goodbye Lillian, it was nice seeing you again!"  
  
And with that Hawkeye walked away from the table.  
  
"Dad how could you! How could you be so cruel!" Margaret cried.  
  
"Stay here, I'll be back" Alvin said as he got up to follow Hawkeye.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Hawkeye was already pulling his tie off as he made his way through the  
foyer. The whole evening had been a waste of time, not that he had  
expected anything else from her father. He was still reeling from the  
shock of Alvin's comments. "Incarcerated, makes it sound like I was in a  
strait-jacket!"  
  
"Pierce!" Alvin shouted from behind Hawkeye.  
  
What does he want? Hawkeye turned around to face him.  
  
Alvin drew up close to Hawkeye. He was a tall man and looked Hawkeye  
square in the eyes.  
  
"Just thought you should know tonight was only an introduction, I could  
destroy you! So stay away from my daughter you hear!" he said sternly.  
  
"How did you get to be so nasty?" Hawkeye asked.  
  
"I'm not kidding you little punk. You're no good for her, she deserves  
better and I'm going to see she gets it! Face it, if you can't even last  
through a meal with me what hope have you? You've got no backbone,  
running away so quickly! You're pathetic!" he snarled.  
  
Hawkeye laughed in his face. "You think I'm leaving because I'm afraid of  
you? Mister big bad wolf! Don't make me laugh."  
  
Hawkeye squared up to the man and met his gaze with the exact same  
contempt that Al held in his eyes. "Get this Al, you don't scare me one  
bit! I think you are nothing more than a bitter twisted and selfish old  
man. I came here tonight with an open mind, ready to meet you half way  
but you weren't even willing to do that. I sat there and I took  
everything you said about me on the chin. I never said one bad word about  
you. You on the other hand came here tonight with the sole purpose of  
sabotaging your daughter's own happiness. How does that make you feel?"  
  
Alvin was taken aback. This young man was standing up to him, that's not  
how it was supposed to work.  
  
"You already had your mind made up about me. Were you ever going to take  
the chance to get to know me? Because the truth is you don't really know  
me at all. All you know is a few statistics held in a little file that is  
now completely insignificant. Yeah, I messed around a bit while I was in  
Korea but you must remember I was a doctor not a soldier. As a doctor I  
was always professional. I did the job I was sent there to do and I did a  
damn good job too."  
  
Alvin remained silent. Hawkeye was beginning to enjoy his rant.  
  
"And the reason I am leaving now is not because I'm scared of you, it's  
out of respect for Margaret. She thinks the world of you and I was not  
about to get into a war of words with you because she would be the one  
that would get hurt, not you or I!"  
  
"How dare you speak to me that way you smug little..." Alvin began, a storm  
gathering in his eyes.  
  
"I'm not finished, anyway you're one to talk, the way you spoke to me  
back there was unforgivable. I don't care what you may think of me I  
didn't deserve that! And you wanna know something else? I love you  
daughter and I am not about to stop seeing her I don't care how much you  
threaten me! So either like it or lump it pal, but don't come out here  
and play the heavy on me. At the end of the day you are the one who will  
lose out!"  
  
"What makes you so sure of that?"  
  
"Because if it comes down to a choice between you or me, Margaret would  
choose me! And you would wind up a sad lonely old man. Look, you don't  
have to like me, just tolerate me, for Margaret's sake. It's not worth  
losing your daughter and I know she would hate to lose you. The last  
thing I ever wanted was to come between you. So what's it going to be?  
Whatever you decide you won't break us up!"  
  
"We'll see about!" Alvin said as he turned to walk away.  
  
Hawkeye tossed his head in anger, damn asshole! How'd he get a hold of my  
file!  
  
Alvin rejoined the two ladies. "Where is he?" Margaret was becoming more  
agitated.  
  
"Gone!" Alvin replied. "Margaret I am telling you the man is no good,  
he's mentally unstable..."  
  
"Stop it! Just stop it! You don't know the first thing about him! While  
you were snooping through his file did you happen to take a look at his  
medical record? No I thought not because if you did you would have seen  
that he was probably the finest doctor in Korea! He saved thousands of  
lives out there! But you never look at the good stuff do you dad? It's  
always the bad. Well I'm not going to let you destroy this, I love him  
and I am going to stay with him. Now if you'll excuse me, I've lost my  
appetite!" Margaret said getting up and storming away from the table.  
  
"Maggie!" Alvin cried after her.  
  
"Oh let her go!" Lillian said. "You've done enough for tonight!"  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Margaret raced out the front door searching desperately for Hawkeye, he  
couldn't have gotten far! She looked around her trying to guess which  
direction he had taken when suddenly she saw him. He was across the road  
sitting on a bench with his back to her.  
  
Quickly she crossed the road almost getting run down.  
  
"Hawkeye, I'm glad you're still here!" she said breathlessly.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked in surprise. He was glad she had  
followed him. He didn't want to be alone right now.  
  
"I'm so sorry about tonight. He's...he's just an ass!"  
  
"It's ok. Actually I think things went pretty well considering"  
  
"What?" she said in disbelief.  
  
"Well there was no blood spilt!"  
  
"Yeah I suppose that was good! What did he say to you?"  
  
"Oh nothing much. We had a little man to man chat as it were. Basically  
I'm no good for you!"  
  
"Nonsense, you didn't take him seriously did you?"  
  
Hawkeye took a few steps away. "Well I don't know, a lot of what he said  
was true, I am not good enough for you Margaret"  
  
"Bull!" she cried as she sat down on the bench watching him.  
  
"No he's right. I mean some rich guy in a big car could just swing by  
here a sweep you off your feet at any minute!"  
  
"Oh come on!" she rolled her eyes.  
  
"So I guess we have to do something about it. We can't go on this way!"  
he said looking into her eyes.  
  
"What do you mean?" she was beginning to get worried, was he about to  
break up with her?  
  
"Yeah I've been sitting here thinking of a way around it and there is  
only one solution!"  
  
"What is it?" He was beginning to freak her out, he seemed in a very  
strange mood.  
  
"I'm gonna have to marry you!"  
  
"You what?" she asked getting to her feet.  
  
"Yep, it's only way to stop some rich charmer from running off with you.  
Once I get that ring on your finger I'll be able to say 'keep moving  
guys, she's with me!'"  
  
Margaret observed the playful look in Hawkeye's eyes. "Are you serious?"  
she asked, half thinking it was a joke.  
  
"I am! Marry me Margaret! Marry me before someone steals you away! I told  
you you were 'it' for me! And I know I'll never have much of anything but  
will I do anyway? Do you think you could stick a poor country doctor?"  
  
She searched his eyes for some hint of mischief but there was none, just  
deep sincerity.  
  
"What do you say? Will you be my wife?" he asked once more searching deep  
inside her eyes.  
  
"Of course I will you moron!" she laughed.  
  
"You will? You'll marry me?"  
  
"Yes!"  
  
"She said yes!" Hawkeye said to a confused passer-by. "She said yes!" he  
shouted as he picked her up and twirled her around.  
  
"Here!" he said as he pulled a small ring box out of his pocket, "Try  
this on."  
  
"You already had the ring?" she asked in surprise.  
  
"I've been carrying it around for days, waiting for the right moment but  
I've just realised that moment doesn't exist. You just have to go for it  
and hope for the best!" he smiled at her. He couldn't contain his  
excitement, he had been waiting for this moment a long time.  
  
And so had Margaret. He placed the ring on her finger, that finger that  
had been naked for far too long. It was a little tight but that could be  
easily fixed.  
  
"It's beautiful" she croaked as tears began to escape her eyes.  
  
"You like it?" he asked.  
  
"Yes. I love you so much you... oaf" she said as she hugged him.  
  
"I love you too" he said returning the embrace. "So should we tell your  
father now? I know it would really make his night!" he said sarcastically  
to her.  
  
"Mmm, how about we just go home!" Margaret said with a wink.  
  
"Oh I know what that means! You just can't get enough can you?"  
  
"No, I'm a slave to your love!" Margaret said in her own sarcastic tone.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
"You see?" Lillian said to Alvin from across the street as they watched  
the young lovers embrace. "He's good for her Alvin, I've never seen her  
so alive, just let her be happy, please?"  
  
Alvin remained silent as he watched his daughter. She was undeniably  
happier than he had seen her in a long time, maybe it was time for him to  
let her go!  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
Three months had passed since that night. Margaret had had no contact  
with her father since. He refused to acknowledge their relationship so it  
looked as though Col. Potter would be giving her away again. She  
pretended that it didn't bother her but Hawkeye knew she was hurting. All  
she ever wanted was her father's approval but once again he left her down  
and once again she blamed herself. She knew he had heard about their  
engagement and she hoped that as the wedding drew closer he would come  
around but it appeared as though he had washed his hands of her.  
  
They avoided talking about it. Behind Margaret's back, Hawkeye had  
secretly tried to make contact with Alvin. Margaret's mother and himself  
attempted to open negotiations with him on several occasions but Alvin  
refused to back down. It was futile, he would never give them his  
blessing.  
  
Apart from that the rest of the wedding plans were going well. B.J. was  
overjoyed when he heard the news. "I always suspected there was something  
between you two!" he said over the phone as Hawkeye broke the news. He  
was also honoured to be Hawkeye's best man. "I promise I won't embarrass  
you too much in the speech!" he joked.  
  
Margaret's sister was maid of honour. So far Col. Potter, Mildred, Radar  
and his wife and even Charles had all said they'd be there. "I can't  
believe Radar has been married for the past three years!" Hawkeye said  
once he'd gotten off the phone. "I always told him he'd meet a good  
woman!"  
  
When Col. Potter first heard the news he couldn't stop laughing. "Take me  
now Lord I've seen it all! Pierce and Houlihan getting married! Why I  
remember a time when I was afraid to leave you two alone in a room  
together. Ye used to fight like cats and dogs! Oh, I'm kidding, I always  
thought you two'd make a great couple underneath it all. I wish you both  
only the best and Mildred and I'll be there with bells on!"  
  
Unfortunately no one could contact Fr. Mulcahay. As far as everyone knew  
he was still in Korea. Hawkeye had wanted him to be the one to marry  
them, he always had a soft spot for the priest. He had meant a lot to him  
in Korea. Hawkeye always found him amusing and thought he was the sanest  
man he ever met.  
  
Klinger was also proving difficult to find and it seemed unlikely that he  
would make it to the ceremony.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
It was three nights before the wedding. Hawkeye, Margaret, Daniel, Nina  
and Lillian sat around the dining table playing poker. Margaret had given  
up her job and moved in with the Pierces full-time. She wasn't working at  
the moment but there were plans for her to start in the practice after  
the wedding helping Nina out.  
  
Her mother and sister had been visiting more and more often as the  
wedding day approached. They helped Margaret out with all the plans and  
by now everything was under control.  
  
So tonight they all relaxed with a game of poker in anticipation of the  
big day.  
  
Hawkeye had just laid down a full-house when a knock came to the door.  
"Who could that be at this hour?" Daniel said.  
  
"Probably someone looking for a doctor" Hawkeye said as he got up to  
answer the door.  
  
Hawkeye was stunned to silence when he saw who stood at the other side of  
the door. Finally he spoke, "Colonel Houlihan!" he said in shock.  
  
"Hello Pierce. I've come to ah... to meet you half way" he said with an  
uncomfortable smile.  
  
"Oh, ok" Hawkeye said still in shock, "Not to kill me but to... ah never  
mind. Please come in!"  
  
"Thank you. I should have called but I couldn't wait any longer. I... I  
miss her you see."  
  
"Well she misses you too. So does this mean you've changed your mind?"  
  
"Pierce, you were right that night at the restaurant. I went there with  
no intention of getting to like you. I decided to take an instant hate,  
it saves time you see. Well I was wrong. You said that if it came down to  
it she would choose you and it seems you were right. I love my daughter,  
I really do. And I miss her. I only ever wanted what was best for her but  
it seems that all along she knew herself what was best. I don't know if  
you realise how hard it is for me to stand here and say these words, I've  
never been good at expressing myself emotionally. I'd like to say I'm  
sorry, I'm sorry I misjudged you and I'm sorry for what I said that  
night. And I'm sorry for hurting my little girl but if the invitation  
still stands I'd like to make it up to her by walking her down the isle  
on Saturday."  
  
"Really? This is great. She's going to be ecstatic!"  
  
Hawkeye couldn't believe that this was the same man he had met all those  
months ago. It was as if he had had a humility transplant. He could see  
the man was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed. He had to admit it  
took a lot of guts to show up like that and then to apologise on top of  
it.  
  
"Hey Al, what do you say we start over with a clean slate?" Hawkeye said  
offering his hand.  
  
Al took the younger man's hand and smiled "That's a deal!"  
  
Hawkeye returned the smile, "So does this mean I get to call you dad?"  
  
"Let's not jump the gun shall we!" Alvin joked.  
  
"Well come on in, everyone's in the sitting room. Are you a poker man?"  
  
"As a matter of fact yes I am" Alvin said as Hawkeye led him through the  
hall.  
  
"Hey, look who I found out on the doorstep!" Hawkeye announced.  
  
Everyone look up at once. Margaret felt the colour drain from her face.  
What was he doing here? Was he trying to stop the wedding?  
  
"Daddy?" Margaret cried as she cautiously moved towards him.  
  
"Maggie my dear!" he said as he wrapped his arms around her.  
  
"What are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
"Well if I'm not mistaken there's a wedding about to happen and I'm  
supposed to be giving the bride away!"  
  
"Really? You're going to be there?"  
  
"Of course sweetheart, I wouldn't miss it for the world!"  
  
"Oh thank you so much Dad, this means so much to me. I'm so happy, it's  
going to be perfect now isn't it honey?" she called over to Hawkeye who  
stood in the doorway watching her with his arms crossed.  
  
"It sure is!" Hawkeye answered. 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12 -Unfinished Business  
  
Hawkeye leant back in the chair so that only the two back legs made  
contact with the floor. He stretched his arms over his head until he  
heard a crack. The roll of laughter outside brought his attention back to  
the window he was sitting in front of.  
  
Outside, five year old Maria, named after his mother Marianne, was  
running her grandfather ragged as she ploughed through the piles of  
leaves he had been carefully raking up all morning. Hawkeye smiled at the  
scene and then drew his eyes up towards the sky, "I wish they could have  
known you" he whispered to the clouds.  
  
Hawkeye still remembered the day Margaret had announced she was pregnant.  
He was filled with a mixture of immense joy, excitement and fear. He had  
no idea how to be a father. Ever since Korea he had never even thought  
about it. But then little Maria came along and changed everything.  
Holding her for the first time he knew it was going to be ok, he knew he  
was going to be ok. Margaret was a natural mother.  
  
Ah Margaret, he was a lucky man and he knew it. Margaret sacrificed so  
much to be with him. She stuck with him through all the bad times when he  
would experience a relapse and fall into a deep depression. She gave up  
her job, her life in the city, she would have even given up her father if  
she had to. But thankfully Alvin was now a regular guest at the Pierce  
household. He and Daniel would take the boat out and go fishing, they  
never caught anything but it didn't matter.  
  
Yes he was a lucky man. He had a beautiful wife and two beautiful  
children. Benjamin John or BJ as he was more commonly known was born two  
years after Maria. Right now the three year old was having a nap on the  
sofa behind Hawkeye, his gentle snoring the only reminder that he was  
there.  
  
Hawkeye focused once more on the blank sheet of paper in front of him and  
began to type:  
  
My name is Benj....  
  
"Ah crap!" He pulled the sheet out of the typewriter, balled it up and  
threw into the wastebasket that was now full of similar sheets that had  
met the same fate. He started once again on a fresh sheet:  
  
Tommy Giles was my best friend. I knew him since grammar school. We  
played together as kids and we fought over the same girls as teenagers.  
Now he lay bleeding on the operating table in front of me and there was  
nothing I could do. One of the bullets had penetrated his chest right  
near the heart, he was dying. The last thing he ever said to me was "I  
heard the bullet!" The irony in his voice was wasted on me at that  
moment.  
  
"Scalpel" I cried knowing I was wasting my time. "I need help here!"  
  
"Pulse is fading" the anaesthetist announced.  
  
Tommy was my best friend and I watched him die, that was nothing unusual,  
I watched kids die all the time. Kids died long before Tommy got there  
and they continued to die long after he was gone.  
  
I sit here today a survivor, writing and thinking of all the things Tommy  
should have in his life by now, a wife... children, just like all those  
thousands of other kids we left behind.  
  
Tommy gave his life for this book and having read it I can now see why.  
It was never enough for him to sit in a cosy office, miles from the front  
typing out the words 'War is hell' over and over. Tommy always needed  
proof. He paid the highest price for it in the end, dying alongside the  
boys he was writing about.  
  
He left us with this book as a constant reminder of what war really is;  
just mindless, senseless destruction. Sometimes you hear the bullet and  
sometimes you don't! That's what war is. I think Tommy understood that  
too in the end.  
  
There is no right way to end this book just like there is no right way to  
end a war. The important thing is that we do end it, once and for all.  
  
The next time you hear the politicians talk about waging war, think of  
Korea and think of Tommy Gillis. Then think of the hundreds of thousands  
of other people who died out there and say "No more!"  
  
Hawkeye read back over what he had just written. His emotions were  
beginning to take over and he had to stop. He didn't want to pour too  
much of his own feelings into this book, after all it was Tommy's book  
and he didn't want to take from it.  
  
He had only picked up the courage to read the book a month earlier. Once  
he started he couldn't put it down. It felt strange reading his old  
friends work. He hadn't read anything of Tommy's since high-school. There  
was no doubt he was a gifted writer.  
  
The book almost tore Hawkeye apart at times as the imagery became far too  
real for him. It brought him back to places he never wanted to go again  
but he read on. The very last page was particularly poignant. Hawkeye  
figured he must have written it the night before he died in some foxhole  
while thousands of Chinese lay on the horizon waiting to attack at the  
first evidence of dawn.  
  
"Daddy, mommy says your lunch is ready!" came the voice of his five year  
old cutting through the noise of the mortar shells that now filled his  
head.  
  
"Ok sweetie, I'll be write there!" he replied as he began gathering up  
the sheets he had written. He placed them at the back of the book under  
the chapter heading 'Sometimes you hear the bullet'.  
  
"What are you doing?" she asked curiously.  
  
"Oh just taking care of some unfinished business!" he said picking her up  
and resting her on his knee. There was no doubt she was a daddy's girl,  
he spoiled her rotten at every opportunity. And why shouldn't he? She was  
something that eight years earlier he would have never imagined having in  
his life. It all seemed so long ago now, the days when he would go off to  
the cliffs and drink a whole bottle of scotch to himself. The memories  
caused him to go into a trance-like stare.  
  
"Daddy, are you sad again?" Maria asked in all her innocence.  
  
"No baby, I'm not sad anymore!"  
  
In truth, finishing Tommy's book was almost therapeutic. He felt the  
demons that had been clinging to him since Korea were losing their grip  
one by one. All the faces he carried in his memory of all the boys that  
he had worked on began to fade, even Tommy's. The guilt he carried eased,  
he felt that although he could not save all those boys, at least he could  
make sure they would not be forgotten by getting this book out there for  
the public to read. And he could think of no better way of honouring his  
friend's death than to oversee the publication of his first and last  
book.  
  
There were some demons of course that he would never shake, the image of  
that lifeless baby still occupied many of his dreams, and Henry would  
drop in too from time to time. It was always the same, Henry was hanging  
from a cliff and Hawkeye would try to pull him up but he could never  
reach him and in the end he always fell.  
  
"Come on, we better go down stairs before Mommy has a fit!"  
  
The little girl ran out in front of him. He picked BJ up on the way out  
and gently placed him on the sofa downstairs. BJ hated to wake up alone  
so they always kept him near by.  
  
"Mmm, something smells good!" he exclaimed as he grabbed his wife around  
the waist and nuzzled her neck.  
  
"Yes it does, now sit down and eat before it gets cold" Margaret ordered  
pushing him off her. "Maria don't play with your food like that!"  
  
"Did you get the book finished?" she inquired.  
  
"Almost" was his simple reply.  
  
Hawkeye laughed to himself as he watched the kitchen scene in front of  
him. Daniel had some strings of spaghetti hanging out of his mouth and  
was pretending to be a sea-monster for Maria.  
  
"So that's where she gets it from!" Margaret cried in exasperation.  
  
"No doubt about but I am a lucky man" he thought as he stood there  
watching his family.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
Later that night Hawkeye woke suddenly from his sleep. He had managed to  
wake Margaret too with his tossing and turning. She could see he was  
shaking and visibly upset.  
  
"What is it?" she asked wiping the sleep from her eye.  
  
"I just had a very strange dream." he said staring straight ahead.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked as she placed a reassuring arm  
around his shoulder.  
  
"I... I was hanging from a cliff, I couldn't climb back up and then..."  
  
"What?" She was used to hearing his dreams by now. Although she never  
enjoyed being woken in the middle of the night she never the less always  
made sure she would listen to him. She knew he drew great comfort from  
small simple gestures such as that.  
  
"Then Henry appeared, he just appeared at the top of the cliff and he  
reached down and pulled me up!"  
  
"What do you think it means?" she asked. This was a new twist to his  
Henry dream.  
  
"Rule Number One!" Hawkeye whispered.  
  
"What?" Margaret asked not fully understanding.  
  
"Nothing, it doesn't matter, go back to sleep!"  
  
Margaret snuggled in close to Hawkeye and fell back to sleep. Hawkeye on  
the other hand remained wide awake. "Rule Number One" he thought to  
himself as a smile came across his face. He understood the dream, it was  
Henry's way of telling him it was ok to move on, that he didn't have to  
feel guilty about his or anyone else' death anymore.  
  
Following Tommy's death Henry said the most profound thing that Hawkeye  
had ever heard him say. He said that in all wars there are certain rules,  
Rule Number One is that young men die and Rule Number Two is that doctors  
can't change Rule Number One.  
  
All along Hawkeye had been trying to save Henry when really it was Henry  
who was trying to save him.  
  
"Thanks Henry" he said softly as he closed his eye and fell fast asleep.  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
-*-*- Well that's it, all finished, my very first fanfic. As Frank Burns  
would say, "I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed bringing it to  
you!" As always emails and comments are welcome.  
  
Thanks for reading.  
-*-*- 


End file.
